Humor columnist H. Paul Bruncke is a former teacher who lives in Gleneden Beach
Write him at hpaulbruncke@centurytel.net.

Paul's surface water is the tops
[Posted Feb. 21]

My wife and I are lucky to be residents of Gleneden Beach, which is part of the KGB-LB Water District, because we drink the best tasting water in Oregon. How do I know that? Because the OAWU said so. That is the Oregon Association of Water Utilities. To be specific they said it was the best surface water, which means it doesn’t come from wells. Go to the KGB-LB office and see the plaque.
• • •
Remember that Joe’s Arms and Ammo has a special this month. With every purchase of a pistol you get a black hooded sweatshirt, and a mask.
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You are looking at the breakfast menu in a restaurant and hidden in the lists of items is a booby-trap. Pay attention to the item called “Biscuits and Gravy” because it can lead you to great trouble. If you order this item you might get some watery liquid poured over biscuits that are three weeks old and harder than a rock. On the other hand, the chef might take three cups of flour and mix it with a little grease and possibly a few pieces of sausage and pour it on your biscuits. Are you old enough to remember school paste that came in gallon jars and the teacher would distribute with a tongue depressor? That’s what this gravy tastes like. You might get sausage pieces as big as golf balls or they might be non-existent. I’ve warned you. Good biscuits and gravy is great, bad ones are disgusting, How can you know in advance? Again watch out. Maybe you should ask the waiter for a sample?
• • •
Just a note about the Coronado Shores Walkers, also known as the CSBC Suicide Club. These folks walk the streets every day except Sunday and when they walk they spread out across the street and walk with their back to the traffic. I think that they teach second graders to walk facing traffic. There must have been some kind of disconnect.
• • •
A recent trip to the Kum-Yon’s restaurant in Newport found me staring at the largest pile of orange chicken that I had ever seen. My wife kept stealing the orange slices that were found around the plate. You know that we filled boxes with our delicious food and dined on it at home for days. If you’re heading south on Hwy. 101, you’ll find Kum-Yon’s on the right-hand side, just before the Yaquina Bay Bridge. It’s just past my wife’s favorite coffee spot, namely Dutch Brothers. Kum-Yon’s has been getting great reviews for years. They do a lot of takeout business.
• • •
Let us discuss the fact that service personnel in the Pentagon wear camouflage uniforms. Does this mean that they are hiding from their secretaries? If this is so, the uniform should display an arrangement of mahogany and marble scraps instead of desert vegetation. All you would-be designers, let’s get on this.
• • •
Moonstruck Chocolates are back at Wine and Romance at the Salishan Marketplace in Gleneden Beach. You can’t buy individual pieces anymore, but there are handy boxes of four. I am especially fond of the Bailey’s truffles. These folks know their wines and the entire marketplace is full of interesting shops.
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What would happen if the people who run the laugh-track machines for sitcoms didn’t have any sense of humor? Would everyone be left to laugh all on their own. Possibly, the sitcoms would dry up and fade away for a lack of real humor.
• • •
Surftides has been one of the outstanding oceanfront resorts in Lincoln City for many decades. Some years ago they built a wonderful restaurant, which is currently called Mist. It is open for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and many of its tables offer a great view of the ocean, all the way to Cascade Head. My wife and I recently enjoyed a very fine lunch of halibut fish and chips. The prices are moderate and the service is friendly. See you there.
• • •
If you are speeding through Lincoln Beach, and are hit by the urge to have a latté, keep your eyes open. Big Mountain Coffee Company is located in the building just south of Thriftway Market. My wife thrives on their lattés and I buy their roasted beans for my grinder and new De Longhi brewing machine. The folks are very helpful and friendly and your urges will be taken care of. Drive up window available.
 

TV filter is a primary concern for Paul
[Posted Feb. 7, 2012]

I believe there are devices that enable parents to block TV programs they feel are inappropriate for their children. Couldn’t this technology also help the rest of us, in the midst of our political deluge, with news programs, debates and ads filling the airwaves? We could invent a system that will automatically switch those programs off and substitute, possibly, Shirley Temple in “The Little Rebel.” I believe that this could be refined so that it could be sold to either Democrats or Republicans. For example, the Democrat would be spared the smiling face of Mr. Romney, forever.
•   •   •
Are you ready for the next level of reality show? I am talking about 5-year-olds in their kindergarten classroom. First episode: The boys have “captured” the playhouse and are denying the girls access to the kitchen utensils. The cameramen can’t stand up for three days after filming inside the playhouse.  Second episode: Two mothers representing opposing kid soccer teams get into a hair pulling contest in the classroom. Third episode: the entire class protests the nutritive value of Ding Dongs. Fourth episode: Crossing guards and bus drivers argue, before the state legislature, that they should be able to carry side-arms.
•   •   •
I was looking through a magazine at a doctor’s office and I found a four-page ad promoting travel to Thailand. The spread included about a dozen pictures. I was struck by the fact that the total number of people in the photos was four, while other pictures that I have seen of Thailand had millions of people on the streets. I guess that travelers don’t want to be bothered by local citizens.
•   •   •
I have always been amused by the coverage of snowstorms on the Portland TV stations. The moment that a snowflake falls there are teams of reporters and cameramen placed all over the metropolitan area. This year they did one better. They placed these teams on the roadsides two days before a single snowflake fell.
•   •   •
In my last column I introduced you to the Sandy Phoenix Cell Phone Company, currently covering the confines of Chadron, Neb. In order to expand the company, we are offering the following deal: first three months free followed by our usual $145 monthly payment. We usually put this in small print.
•   •   •
The huge conglomerate called Sandy Phoenix Industries encourages you to send in your ideas for new inventions. We will decide whether it is saleable or not and inform you. Don’t be surprised if your idea that we rejected goes on the market two months later. That’s the way big business operates.
•   •   •
Having lunch every Tuesday with friends presents problems. Since we go to a different restaurant each week, we are confronted with menus and the decisions they require. By far the biggest decisions are to be made at Lee’s Chinese Restaurant, opposite the D River Wayside in Lincoln City. There are three sections of special lunches, each containing about 20 items, and with “choose two of the above” or “three of the above” there are millions of possible combinations. It is staggering. Of course, you can always order one of the combinations. If you want a preview, they have a menu in the big fat telephone book. It fills two pages. I have never been disappointed by the quality or the quantity of food at Lee’s.
•   •   •
In my opinion, there is a big divide in women’s sports, relative to grace and athleticism. In tennis and golf, women display grace and power. The same is true for swimming and gymnastics. But when it comes to basketball, they become kamikaze-crazed projectiles. There doesn’t seem to be an ounce of bodily control as they hurl themselves at the basket. Kobe Bryant never looks like that.
Editor’s note: The Oregon Coast TODAY is pleased to announce next week’s guest columnist. A 6-foot-2 forward in the Women’s Professional Basketball Association will discuss her views on rural Minnesota, afternoon television scams, lunch portion sizes, the poor quality of modern pop music and the London Review of Books.
Publisher’s note: Yes, the editor of the TODAY does play basketball. And, yes, she’s good.
•   •   •
There are a number of restaurants on the Oregon coast with great ocean views such as Tidal Raves, Georgie’s or the Adobe, but on an equal par is the Surfrider. Just north of Depoe Bay, this dining room overlooks the Fogarty Creek wayside. Here you can enjoy delicious food while you watch eagles and whales. There is also a lounge with Oregon State Lottery slot machines for your pleasure.



No kitschy gift this, this kitchen Ninja
[Posted Jan. 24, 2012]

Do you know what log truck drivers get for their birthdays and for Christmas? They get lots of colored lights to put on their trucks. It makes them happy.
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The people of  Roswell, N.M., have assured me that when they find Bigfoot, the Yeti will have President Obama’s birth certificate. I have faith that this will happen.
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I enjoy cooking, and my family knows it. For Christmas I received a wonderful gift: a new type of blender called the Ninja Master Prep. This device has the motor on the top and comes with two containers, large and small. The large container has a double cutter system, making chocolate shakes into frothy drinks. This blender was recommended by Consumers Reports, which gave it top rating in its holiday issue. I checked at Macy’s, Target and Amazon, but found the best price was at the local Bi-Mart. It is extremely easy to clean.
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It takes a lot of courage to start a restaurant on the Oregon Coast at the beginning of winter, but if you can develop a winter clientele the summer will be pure gravy. The folks at The 101 Burger have taken on this challenge. Absolutely fresh and never frozen is the motto at this café, which took over the space formerly filled by the Beach Dog Café, on SW 50th St. in Lincoln City. My wife and I watched the owner place a potato in a device on the wall, pull the handle and cut our fries, which he then prepared for frying. You can get a burger with up to four patties, in a variety of fry-drink combos. The prices are right and the food is full of flavor. The locals are coming in, and the future looks bright for The 101 Burger.
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I am predicting that in the future there will be no movie, music or athletic stars, and the reason is simple. Schools have ceased teaching cursive writing and because of this, outstanding people in the entertainment business will not be able to sign autographs. No autographs means that fans have no reason to follow celebrities. The fan who asks for a T-shirt to be signed will only be able to stand and watch, as the star continues on their way.
• • •
Guess what? There is a new café next to the Depoe Bay Post Office called Peg’s Bistro. I’ve always been puzzled by the word bistro, so I peered in the window and read the menu. It features burgers and delicious-sounding sandwiches. The hours are 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Wednesday through Saturday. Peg’s husband Richard assured me that fresh is the operative word and that the breads come from the Depoe Baykery. They are developing a morning group of locals who come for coffee and scones, etc.
• • •
Clothing stores are managed from afar by administrators who make high-level decisions. Too high, I think. Let me give you an example. One April day I went to Macy’s in the Mall of America in the Twin Cities, and since I was a bit cold I was looking for a sweater. The above-mentioned administrators had decided that no one in Minnesota wanted a sweater in April, so I was shown exactly two of the ugliest sweaters that I had ever seen, in a men’s shop that was as big as our local Safeway store. On another occasion I went to the local Van Heusen store in the fall, to buy a shirt. I like short-sleeved shirts and I found nary a one. Administrators decided that Oregonians don’t wear short-sleeved shirts in the winter. Remember that administrators don’t have much to do except to play golf.
• • •
I am hoping that my wife and I will be able to take a couple of days to enjoy the views of the surf at The Adobe in Yachats. They have packages that include breakfast or dinner, or both. This is one of the best views on the Oregon Coast and the town has many good restaurants and art galleries. Although we missed this year, we usually attend the Thanksgiving dinners, which include a salad bar, a plated meal and a beautiful view.



'Titanic' sail will be a gimmick to remember
[Posted Jan. 11, 2012]

It would seem that on April 8, 2012, a ship named the HMS Balmoral is going to sail from South Hampton, England, to recreate the voyage of the Titanic. They will sail to the location of the disaster and even have the same menu as the night of the iceberg collision. Now, I am wondering just how true they are going to be to the actual events of that night. Will the passengers be loaded into lifeboats or thrown into the ice cold water? Will all of them be pulled out? According to reports, the tour is sold out.
•  •  •
I guess that I am not a true blue Oregonian, because I think that the Trail Blazers in particular, and the NBA in general, are about as exciting as watching raindrops falling off of ferns in the forest. This is what I see on TV. A team makes a basket and immediately runs to the bench for a time out. Then seven or eight assistant coaches in their $1,000 suits jump up and stare off into space. The TV switches to eight or nine commercials. Now well rested, the other team passes the ball into the court and walks down near the basket. They make one or two passes before the star shoots a basket, and then someone calls another time out, with more commercials. I guess watching raindrops is more exciting.
•  •  •
Have you seen the slogan that appears endlessly on TV: “Chevy runs Deep”? I will explain to you what this cryptic saying denotes. This means that Chevy is deep “in your pocket.” This reminds me of the slogan, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Which means that Las Vegas deals in gambling money and it stays there. No matter how hard you try, Las Vegas gets to keep the money.
•  •  •
Next year, there will be an addition to the bowl game schedule, namely the Sandy Phoenix Bowl. The sponsor is yet to be named, but the location is set at the 500-seat field of Two Dot, Mont. The local Grange members are busy grading a landing field north of town for the influx of jets. The Two Dot Hotel is renovating all of its 12 rooms. The chamber of commerce is bringing bands from as far away as Havre and Cutbank for the parade. We all hope that the BCS committee will pick two great teams for the contest. Pray that it doesn’t snow.
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We were going to take a full page for this item, just as you see in major newspapers, but the budget wouldn’t handle it. The Sandy Phoenix Mint is offering a wonderful opportunity to add to your coin collection. If your last name begins with any letter from A to Z, we will send you five nickels that we guarantee were used in the slot machines at Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut. Just send $29.95 plus shipping and handling for your genuine nickels. Remember, your neighbors will be really jealous.
•  •  •
Two Dollars for breakfast? Wow! What a deal. Chinook Winds Casino Resort wants you Boomers to enjoy their newly-refurbished buffet on Tuesdays. Just get your Boomer card and remember that there are many tournaments that will be taking place at the same time.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Communications is announcing it latest and best deal. For $1.99 you can get a cellular phone and for an additional $1.98 per month unlimited cellular service. Our tower has been erected in Chadron, Neb., and covers about 100 square miles. We are hoping to expand to other states in the near future.
•  •  •
Some months ago, gold was selling for almost $2,000 per ounce and dealers were telling everyone that it was going to go to $5,000. As of this writing gold was in the mid $1,500s and heading nowhere. All of you that bought at $2,000, don’t go out in the backyard and dig it up yet.
•  •  •
All of you Lincoln County folks are probably wondering: if LinCom farms out its emergency dispatching, will it end up in the Willamette Valley, or maybe India? Example: “How may I help you? Is Cutler City near Singapore?”


College QBs, 28, have Paul seeing red-shirt
[Posted Dec. 28, 2011]
Eulogy: During the past 20 years thousands of tourists and coastal residents have enjoyed the great food at the Hilltop Inn in Lincoln City. The restaurant featured the best wait staff around and wholesome food, including a very stringent gluten-free menu. As of 3 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 11, the restaurant ceased to be. We all wish Judy La Freeda and her staff the best in the future and we will miss this great feature of the Oregon Coast.
•  •  •
During the college football season I encountered two games in which the quarterback was 28 years old! What have these people been doing for 10 years? When they graduate (if ever) they will be too old to play in the NFL. I’ve heard of red-shirting, but this is ridiculous.
•  •  •
I recently took a caregiver class and the instructors mentioned a resource called 211, which is a non-profit organization that directs people to community resources in Oregon and southwest Washington. Merely dial 211, and you’ll reach people who are ready to help you with a multitude of problems. I saw an article in the Oregonian concerning animal owners who use 211 to get help for their pets; it turns out that many of those folks need help themselves. If you are interested, try typing “211” into your search engine. You’ll find a lot of information there.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Pharmaceuticals announces a new drug. This drug will cure your hangnails, but there are a few side effects. These would include: heart attacks, jaundice, arthritis, 15 kinds of cancer, sudden loss of breath, malaria, and palsy. The FDA has not had a chance to test the product, but we are sure that it will be an OTC product soon. Meanwhile you can buy it from your local drug pusher (unless he has accidentally tried some himself).
•  •  •
I have an app on my iPhone called Ask. People write in with questions and other folks try to answer the questions. I find that both the askers and the answerers are really stupid and their use of English is deplorable. I guess these people are products of the American education system. Wow!
•  •  •
It is a sad commentary on the American cultural scene that 13-year-old girls dictate the musical tastes of the country, and that their decisions are not based on musical competence but on cuteness. Remember: when I hold up the cue card that says “Applause,” you all should scream. Thank you, robots.
•  •  •
Recently I was traveling, at dawn, along the Oregon Coast past Heceta Head Lighthouse. I had the opportunity to see the light in action, sweeping the ocean and the rocky shore. Every Oregonian should have this experience once in his life.
•  •  •
Did you know that all sports panelists have to go to imperative school? This is because every panel discussion has to include words such as MUST, HAS TOO, GOTTA, CAN’T WIN WITHOUT, etc. They all line up and make their predictions. Then the game is played and none of the things they required actually occur, yet one team wins and one loses. No one ever goes back and analyzes what they said to see if it came to pass. It would be too embarrassing to find out that they don’t know what they are talking about.
•  •  •
A high school in Washington decided to have all of the students address letters to their parents. The school provided the envelopes, but the students still had trouble addressing them. One biology teacher decided to give an example on the board and wrote his own address. Guess what? Three of the letters were delivered to his house.
•  •  •
Our Dish Network service comes with a great array of SiriusXM music. One of my favorites is the music of the 40s, which I use as background while I do the daily Oregonian puzzles. The music of Charlie Barnett, Stan Kenton and the stylings of June Christy, Jo Stafford, The “Liltin” Martha Tilton and hundreds of others, are truly great music for me. If you are not familiar with these names, I feel sorry that you weren’t around in the 40s.






They oughta outlaw auto-correct
[Posted Dec. 14, 2011]

My iPhone drives me crazy. It loves to replace words in my texts. I wrote the term “root beer” and it changed it to “epithet.” When I wrote “epithet” it wrote “router.” Somewhere in Malaysia there is a person with a rudimentary knowledge of English entering words in a software program for Apple, and getting paid for it!
•  •  •
My son passed this story to me under the cover of darkness. He got it from an unnamed source.
A man was caught killing a spotted owl, and arrested. When he appeared before the judge, the man pleaded that he was poor, and was only trying to feed his family. The judge decided to let him go, but first asked the culprit a question. “I would like to know: how did the owl taste?” After a moment the man replied, “It tasted a lot like bald eagle.”
•  •  •
Wine and Romance, at the Shops at Salishan, is currently featuring a new candy company: Extreme Chocolates, from Salem, Ore. My wife and I had some truffles that had been rolled in cinnamon, and were delicious. The folks at Wine and Romance are very knowledgeable concerning wines and their makeup. Stop by and visit the other interesting stores there, too.
•  •  •
Between the thousands of folks occupying various cities and the people in line overnight before Black Friday, a great portion of the United States population was living in tents. The Occupy Portland people must be quite rich because they didn’t even try to salvage their tents and possessions before the police moved in.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Payday Loans wishes to announce the following huge deal, designed for desperate people. Instead of the usual 300 percent interest rate offered by most payday loan companies, we offer loans at only 299 percent. Remember, you can also borrow against your home, car or children.
•  •  •
During college football games, there are usually ads for Allstate Insurance. They brag that they have given $2.5 million to colleges and universities for scholarships since 2005. Since there are a little over 4,000 colleges and universities in the United States, that means they have donated about $100 per school. Not very impressive for a giant corporation. Remember they also have those nets behind the goalposts.
•  •  •
My wife and I have a favorite shoe store in Florence, Ore. It is in Old Town, in a former movie theatre, and is called On Your Feet Footwear. The service is first rate and the range of footwear is wonderful. Visit these ladies next time you are in Florence.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Technologies is busy preparing a request for government funds to underwrite a gigantic research project. You have heard of the Big Bang Theory and you have wondered how this all came about. So have we. Our proposal involves running tests starting with little bangs and working up to big bangs. We would start by shooting a cap pistol followed by a firecracker, then a cherry bomb, then a stick of dynamite, an A-bomb and a hydrogen bomb. We are working on the next step. It would only be a matter of time. And a little money.
•  •  •
Around Thanksgiving there was a string of storms that brought huge waves and swells. On one of those days, a fellow resident of Coronado Shores encountered a couple trying to walk on the beach near the neighborhood cabana. A large wave tried to drag this couple back into the ocean, and the resident came out to offer aid. The couple said that they only wanted to walk on the beach, but I don’t think they understand: You don’t walk on the beach under those conditions. My wife and I have lived in this area for 34 years and every year, someone has been killed by the waves. Use your good sense.
•  •  •
The Coronado Shores Beach Club has been visited several times recently by a hungry bear, who loves to eat the food left out for birds. On occasion he peers into windows. I also followed a coyote down Balboa Ave. early one morning.
•  •  •
If you watch the television stations based in Portland, you have probably noticed that there are more mattress stores than there are fish in the sea. There must be a tremendous mark-up on those items, to get so many people involved in selling. Of course you can make thousands selling a big piece of foam and calling it a mattress.



How do you like them apples?
[Posted Nov. 29, 2011]

It could very well happen. By the time that this column is printed, the supply of Honey Crisp apples will have been exhausted. The only thing that might slow down their sale is the price, $2 a pound. Now I am going to tell you a secret that I hold which embellishes these apples: eat them with a slab of sharp cheddar cheese. If you have read my column in the past you will know that I am a devotee of apple pie with cheddar cheese. Not hot pie, but cold, with cold cheese. Some people heat apple pie and then cool it off with ice cream. I am not in that corner. For me the cheddar emphasizes the flavor of the apples as complementary colors enhance one another. If you have not tried Honey Crisp apples before, you owe it to yourself to try them. The word “crisp” is the key.
•  •  •
There is a new restaurant on the Lincoln City scene. Colleen Hickey is bringing a vegan menu to the forefront with her Collage Foods, which shares a space with the Cyber Garden Café in the Oceanlake area. Colleen’s restaurant is only open Friday and Saturday evenings and reservations are recommended. Colleen has been in the food business for years and understands the special requirements of vegans.
•  •  •
Alan Welsheimer sent this to me some months ago and with one slight deletion I present it to you.
- People born before 1946 were called the Silent Generation.
- People born between 1946 and 1959 are called the Baby Boomers.
- People born between 1960 and 1979 are called Generation X.
- And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y? Y should I get a job? Y should I leave home and find my own place? Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours? Y should I clean my room? Y should I wash and iron my own clothes? Y should I buy any food? Etc., etc.
•  •  •
As a member of the OGA, the Oregon Golf Association, I get a quarterly periodical called the Pacific Northwest Golfer. In the latest issue there is an article about the golf course at the Glacier Park Hotel in East Glacier, Mont., where a number of very famous people have played. I have first hand knowledge of the second through eighth holes, since I worked at that hotel for two summers in my college days. Having little or no money, the employees would walk through the woods to the second hole and start playing, out of the prying eyes of the golf pro. We had to stop at the end of the eighth hole, before we came into view of the pro shop. It is a nice little course with a well-defined rough. I recommend it.
•  •  •
In the mid-19th century a woman named Isabella Beeton wrote articles about homemaking in London, England. In 1861, the articles were gathered together and published as “Mrs. Beeton’s Book of Household Management.” It is currently in print, in paperback, by Oxford World’s Classics. It has 600 pages of recommendations that are interesting and at times hilarious. There are recipes, rules covering servants, how to maintain a stable, what to include in a kitchen and on and on. It is a book to pick up and read a little at a time, to see what life was like in 1860s London.
•  •  •
We have a new addition at our house. It is called Philips Lifeline and consists of a button on a cord around my wife’s neck that activates a device next to the telephone. A man in Massachusetts answers, asking about your problem and summoning help. His voice carries at least 200 feet. Even when I was at the other end of the house and around the corner, we could hear one another easily. We obtained it through the Home Health service, from our local hospital. After two free months it costs $37.50 a month. It’s nice to know that when I am at the store, my wife still has a way to call for help.


Paving paradise to put up a parking lot?
[Posted Nov. 15, 2011]
Sandy Phoenix Phantom Boat Works wishes to announce a new innovation in the world of leisure boating. You’ve seen the marinas, filled with boats day after day. It’s obvious that these boats are status symbols, and that they are hardly ever used. Our company has designed a bottomless boat that is just a superstructure, with a hull that only goes down 12 inches from the deck. You can tie this pseudo boat up, and then brag to your peers that you have a 32-foot cruiser. Only you will know that it can’t go anywhere.
•  •  •
I recently finished a book by Thomas Hardy called “The Woodlanders,” written in 1887. At the end of the book I found the following little humorous excerpt: The bark-ripper said, I knowed a woman; and the husband o’ her went away for four-and-twenty year. And one night he came home when she was sitting by the fire, and thereupon he sat down himself on the other side of the chimney-corner. “Well,” says she,” have ye got any news?”-“Don’t know as I have,” says he. “Have you?”-“No,” says she, ”except that my daughter by the husband that succeeded ‘ee was married last month, which was a year after I was made a widow by him”-“Oh- aanything else?” he says. “No,” says she. And there they sat one on each side of that chimney-corner, and were found by neighbors sound asleep in their chairs, not having known what to talk about at all.
•  •  •
Who had 72 days in the Kardashian Separation Pool?
•  •  •
The City of Lincoln City uses the “Field of Dreams” system of siting their parking lots. It seems to consist of: “If you build them, they will come.” It seems that the city builds them and no one has come so far. Of course, there are two days a year when the lot in Taft is filled, the Fourth of July and the day of the Sandcastle Contest. Most of the lots would appear to be a good place to dump derelict cars.
•  •  •
Are you familiar with the German word, “kitsch”? It means tasteless art or a cheap reproduction of good art. I recently read the term “pathetic kitsch.” On the same day I saw two wonderful examples of pathetic kitsch in a catalogue. They were a crystal Santa and a crystal snowman by Thomas Kincaid, who has filled the word with mediocre junk. When I taught the History of Art I had a rule that anyone who mentioned Thomas Kincaid in class would get a failing grade. As to catalogues, we have been deluged this fall by catalogues containing mountains of kitsch. Somewhere I bought something by mail from a catalogue and they sold our name to everyone. I have a hunch that it was the Vermont Country Store. I would estimate that we have received 50 different catalogues and North Lincoln Sanitary Service has done a great business in recycling.
•  •  •
Do you get the feeling that the purpose of TV programs is to show you commercials? Any entertainment content is purely an accident. As I scroll through the guide on our Dish TV controller I am amazed at the number of programs that are merely ads for some extremely poor products. Who are the people that spend their day watching ads on TV? I am afraid to think about these folks.
•  •  •
There are three restaurants in Lincoln City that open at 6 a.m. and they have a mixture of personalities for employees. At one restaurant the waitress stood and stared out the window at my car at 6:05, without making a move toward unlocking the door. At another café, when I pull into the parking lot at 6 a.m. the waitress pulls in behind me. Taking the chairs down off the tables and making the coffee comes sometime later. The Hilltop Inn always opens on time, because there are many surly customers making sure the door gets open on time. Many years ago, a restaurant in Depoe Bay opened early for breakfast. One day I sat down and ordered my breakfast and about 15 minutes later the waitress came to my table and told me that she just talked to the cook and he was on his way from home. This was before cell phones.


Hashing over good potatoes
[Posted Nov. 2, 2011]

When watching college and NFL football games, you are subjected to a barrage of advertisements. As you look around the arenas, you see ads plastered everywhere. I’ve noticed just one place that is free from ads: when the young women report from the sidelines. Someday, that’s going to change. Some bright person is going to decide that this is a great place to insert an ad. I might give you an example. “This is Betsy on the sidelines. You might notice that I am wearing the new lipstick from Acme cosmetics that contains special ingredients that keep my lips warm when I’m out here in the cold. Remember that if you are an outdoor girl, you can rely on Acme.”
•  •  •
Recently I saw an old movie on television that I originally saw in 1946: “The Beast With Five Fingers.” The beast is a severed hand that crawls around, like The Thing from “The Addams Family,” and kills people. It has two bones showing at the wrist area. I saw this film with three of my friends one night in a theatre about 2 miles from my home. When the film was over we decided to walk home, although it was a very dark and windy night. I will always remember that walk with the trees blowing in front of the streetlights. I never saw many horror films after that film. I take that back. My wife and I saw a film where a human spine was walking around. We were at a drive-in theatre in northern Minnesota, and at one point in the film we were supposed to honk our horns to drive the spine away. Oh well, that was the 50s.
• •  •
I feel that it is ironic that people who claim that they are White Supremacists are those that constitute the dregs of the Caucasian Race, as for example the couple who killed people in Washington and Oregon recently.
•  •  •
Holy cow! Has the food service in hospitals improved! During my wife’s recent stay at OHSU she found that the old method of pushing a cart down the hall and dropping off a tray in each room is passé. Oregon Fresh is the food source at OHSU, and the patient is given a menu with multiple entrees, salads and desserts. They dial a five digit number, place their order and tell the folks when they want their meal, which is delivered right on time. There is a food person on every floor. The food is great and my wife got hooked on their salmon, and flan.
•  •  •
I love my iPhone except for one thing. I has a nasty little trick of changing words in my text message after I write them. I wrote the word “sudoku” and it magically it changed it to “susumu,” whatever that means. As I write this column even the spell checker is confused.
•  •  •
Everyone in Oregon knows that the hash browns at the Otis Café are the best there are, but now I have discovered a close second: the hash browns at the Golden Touch Restaurant on Barbur Boulevard in Portland. Parboil, peel and shred is the system to produce soft and delicious potatoes. I have been eating at this café for years and have always received good food.
•  •  •
Every time you watch college football games, you can see thousands of men who have the same goal, to get to the NFL and become rich. How many are going to make it to the NFL? Probably only a few hundred. What is going to happen to the rest of these players, many of whom might not get a degree? They all can’t become sports announcers, so that is a dead end. I am going out on a limb and predict that within five years 80 percent of the seniors will have a rap sheet. Check it out.


Ding-dong! The dessert bell is ringing
[Posted Oct. 18, 2011]

Sandy Phoenix Technologies is currently working on robotic sportscasters. These robots would sit behind a curved desk and with their arms six inches above the counter top and their arms extended 12 inches apart. They would utter inane sports comments as programmed, announcing their predictions periodically. ESPN could save millions of dollars with these robots replacing over-the-hill sports figures. Programmers would merely input the day’s or week’s games, and the random number generator would make predictions. In tests, the robots have a much better average of predicting winners.
•   •   •
Have you ever had a Ding Dong at the Blackfish Cafe in Lincoln City? Whipped cream, raspberry syrup and the chef’s special chocolate cake mean heaven in anybody’s lexicon. When I ate there last, the fish and chips that preceded the Ding Dongs were outstanding; instead of the usual tartar sauce, we enjoyed remoulade. The fish rubbings, the most recent Blackfish Café art exhibit, were very interesting and colorful.
•   •   •
The Beach Dog has accomplished the short move from SW 50th St. to their new location on Hwy. 101. They have completely redone the old Tups Tavern in a bright and airy manner, and the food is just as great as ever. If you ever refer to TripAdvisor on your computer you will see that the Beach Dog is listed number one among restaurants in Lincoln City. This is quite an accomplishment in a town full of excellent eateries.
•   •   •
In an effort to improve my physical well-being, I have taken up walking the track at the Lincoln City Recreational Center. I do this at 5:30 a.m. because at that time there are only a few elderly people to pass me as I walk. The track above the gym floor is beautiful and well maintained. At the time of this writing I am contemplating purchasing a year’s pass to this facility – if director Gail Kimberling will let me.
•   •   •
I always enjoy the attempts that Las Vegas makes to emulate Europe. Paris, Venice, etc., are constructed with sheetrock and Formica to imitate the beautiful marble and sculpted wood of the Renaissance. If you are busy putting your pension into a slot machine and puffing on a cigarette, you probably don’t pay much attention to the surroundings.
•   •   •
Sandy Phoenix Technologies is currently working on an electric car that doesn’t require recharging. The Ampere runs on AA cells. As you drive along and you run out of electricity you merely go into your nearby mini-mart and purchase 1600 Energizer AA batteries. Carefully remove the dead cells and take them to a recycle plant and install the new batteries and proceed down the road. Current estimates say that the car should go 10 to 15 miles at a speed of 60 mph. Our engineers are trying to reduce the number of cells to 1580. Remember that the Ampere has the number of AAA towing etched into the dashboard.
•   •   •
Samaritan Health Services has five hospitals in the area including facilities in Newport, Lincoln City, Albany, Lebanon and the flagship location in Corvallis. In addition to these, there are a number of clinics. On the campus at Corvallis is a wonderful addition called the Mario Pastega House. This facility is able to house family members while their loved one is being ministered to at the Corvallis Hospital.
I had an opportunity to stay there overnight and I was overwhelmed by the services provided. Outside my window was a beautiful garden and gazebo. Inside, the kitchen had lockable storage areas for each room, where families could store their food and then prepare it. A beautiful living room with fireplace and dining area, and a complete laundry facility, completed the offerings. The price for a night’s stay is $20. Donations are accepted. People in the area donate food for those that need a little extra.
•   •   •
Dave Price has done it again, maintaining his position on the leading edge of technology and marketing. With my new iPhone, I was able to download the app for Forkfly and find all sorts of deals at area businesses. Of course, I gravitated to the restaurants and found some very appetizing deals. You will find an ad about this new service in this issue.



Thankfully, this place is a real Grind
[Posted Oct. 4, 2011]

There is an egg product on the market that sells for double the usual cost of a dozen, and offers real yet unspecified benefits. If you are well off and wish to impress your peers, you might buy these eggs. Sandy Phoenix Farms wishes to introduce our new $5 egg, which is the best on the market. For only $60 per dozen you can dazzle your neighbors with your food acumen. Of course, if you buy our product, “The Yolk’s On You.”
•  •  •
As I watch college football games, I am amazed at the size of the marching bands at each game. I believe that the goal of the music directors at major universities is to have a band so large that it can march on the field and spell out antidisestablishmentarianism.
•  •  •
I would like to congratulate the company that has been erecting the new bridge just north of Salishan on Hwy. 101. Through very careful planning they have managed to keep delays down to an absolute minimum and to finish the bridge well ahead of schedule. All of us who live south of Lincoln City say “thanks.”
•  •  •
Can’t someone invent a syrup bottle that is cleanable? After the waitress places your plate of pancakes in front of you, you always reach for a bottle of syrup – and you can’t let go because the bottle is so sticky. I might say that this is disconcerting. Maybe the manager should have the staff fill the bottles in the morning when they are awake, instead of the last thing at night.
•  •  •
Now the Sandy Phoenix is going to take you into the locker room of the NFL Gorillas. In the corner is lineman, No. 70, who is tying his shoes. He finishes and lets out a yelp of victory and then the entire team rushes to his locker area to give him high-fives. On the other end of the room, the quarterback No. 7, has pulled his shirt over his head and down to his belt line. The team notices and rushes over to give him high-fives. During the ensuing game, the defense gives out high-fives because they stopped a run after only 20 yards, although they are losing by 60 points. Such is the world of sports.
•  •  •
I would like to say some nice things about Pacific Grind, which has become an institution in the Taft area of Lincoln City. This combination of coffee house and café has been in existence for some time, but only recently have my wife and I begun to frequent this outstanding food purveyor. The lattés are excellent, but it is very difficult to sit in your car at the drive-up window, with the wonderful aromas floating into your car, and fight off urges to buy everything on the menu.
We have tried the breakfast burrito and chicken, and veggie salad sandwiches, which come with a variety of extras at a very good prices. Everything has been excellent. Our next experiment will be to call ahead and order our sandwiches, now that we have a menu prominently displayed in our car. An added note: there are many cafés in the Lincoln City area with outdoor seating, but the only one that seems to be in actual use is on the veranda at Pacific Grind.
•  •  •
I love to play golf, and some of my best experiences on the Oregon Coast have been at the newly-redesigned Crestview Golf Club in Waldport. Check out their website, crestviewgolfclub.com, or ask a local for directions, because the course is tucked up on a hill above downtown Waldport. I must warn you that the greens are very tricky, with lots of undulations. I believe that it was redesigned by the same firm that designed Bandon Dunes. There is room for houses amid the fairways, but the downturn has put that plan on hold.
•  •  •
The J. D. Power Company is always giving awards to companies for excellent products, but could you tell me who pays J.D. Power to do this? Could it be that the manufacturers pay for these awards? Consumer Reports is a non-profit and takes the word of thousands of members to rate products. This seems, to me, the better way to go.
 

The skinny on the obesity epidemic
[Posted Sept. 21, 2011]

There is a new addition to the dining scene in Depoe Bay, namely Thai Bay. To a great view of the Depoe Bay harbor, the owners have added a wonderful menu that I found to be very readable. That has been a problem in the past, when I have visited Thai restaurants. Thai Bay places the dishes in categories that are very easy to read. Now to the food: this is food that is so tasty that each forkful calls for another and another. Our friends had the flaming beef and my wife and I had the fried rice with chicken. The portions were more than generous. Each serving had many different fruits and vegetables that blended well. The prices were very reasonable. Look for the restaurant on the South end of the Depoe Bay bridge, next to the Irish pub.
•  •  •
When I was a boy, ice cream came in quarts and pints, and because of its shape the quart was called a brick. There was an ice cream parlor on Rice Street in St. Paul, Minn., that made an ice cream cone called a skyscraper. The cone had a square opening at the top. The clerk would take a pint of ice cream, cut it into fourths and place one in the top of the cone. Hence the name, “skyscraper.” This was one of my favorite spots in my pre-teen years. Let it be known that my mother lived to the age of 93 mainly on Dairy Queen hot fudge sundaes.
•  •  •
I understand that in a few years, half of our nation’s population will be listed as obese.
I will explain how this has come about. We are a nation of sports spectators who sit idly in the stands and eat hot dogs, beer, peanuts, cotton candy and nachos by the barrel. The only spectators who actually move are those at golf matches. Of course, if you aren’t at the stadium you are in front of a TV watching the sport. And even a larger array of foods are available, including the famous 6-foot long sub sandwich. Maybe neighborhoods should have intramural sports contests. Something light and fun.
•  •  •
These days, we feel bad about people who do stupid things. You don’t go hiking along the Iraq/Iran border unless you are stupid. You don’t step over the railing at Niagara Falls or Vernal Falls in Yosemite unless you are stupid. You don’t hike alone in Yellowstone, where the grizzlies live, unless you are stupid. Add those that fall off cliffs and hike Mt. Hood in a snowstorm. I could go on and on, but, I won’t.
•  •  •
I occasionally watch NASCAR races (for a few minutes) and I am amazed by the announcers who yell into the microphone in a very excited manner, while we all watch the cars monotonously go round and round. They have to yell because the producers of the program pipe the noise of the cars into their booth. Is it true that NASCAR tickets cost $100? That’s what I heard. That’s $99 more than I am willing to pay. Come to think of it, make that $100.
•  •  •
The other day we received a postcard in our mailbox, addressed to a stranger with our address, from Payless Shoe Source. We have had this box for 17 years, which means that Payless is buying mailing lists with names that are at least 18 years old. Lots of luck, Payless.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Consultants is hoping to get a contract with the NCAA to provide a reasonable guideline for punishing athletes who commit crimes. The following is an outline of our proposal.
1. Injuring a person while intoxicated — A stern reprimand.
2. Holding up a mini mart — A very stern reprimand.
3. DUI hit-and-run resulting in death — One game suspension.
4, Murdering the Coach — Sit out one season.
5. Cheering for the other team — Expulsion.
•  •  •
Here is a café that you have probably never visited. It is called the Garden View Café and it is in the Samaritan Hospital in Corvallis. It only has about five tables, but the food is excellent and the price can’t be beat. The customers were very helpful when my wife and I came for lunch, and directed us to what we needed. There is also a cafeteria just around the corner.
 





Swing into fall golf, with these handy tips
[Posted Sept. 6, 2011]

Sandy Phoenix Golf Swing Analysts offer a complete service to the golfer. Having observed the professional announcers dissect each golfer’s swing, we have arrived at the following rules for the proper swing. At the peak of your swing, your right forearm should be pointing at the North Star, you feet should be on the 45 parallel and the blade of your seven iron should be in your back left pocket. If you follow these rules, you will be a number one ranked golfer in no time. Further ideas can be obtained by attending our 6-day workshop, which includes lodging and meals for only $25,000 at our new course in North Dakota.
•  •  •
Let’s talk about Harry and David. A group of rich people bought the company and then loaded a lot of debt on the company so that they could all buy yachts. Then they declared bankruptcy. Now the court has decided that the pension plan for all of the faithful employees is too burdensome, so the U. S. government, in the form of the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation, will have to pick up the plan, and you and I get to pay the pensions of the Harry and David retirees. Meanwhile the Eastern money people will be sailing around in their yachts. Many of the Harry and David employees will be lucky if they ever see their pensions.
•  •  •
On a recent flight from Minneapolis to Portland Delta airlines had an in-flight movie. As I looked around the cabin, I noticed that hardly anyone was watching the movie. Everyone had an electronic device of his or her own, be it a laptop, iPad, Kindle, or what have you. They were all busily working at these for 1,500 miles. I did my share but I like to look out the window and spot where we are. I’m a geography nut.
•  •  •
If you read fashion magazines you will note that the best designers include in their ads the names of cities that cater to the rich such as Beverly Hills, Palm Springs, Palm Beach, etc. In keeping with this tradition, Sandy Phoenix Designs are featured at the following stores; The Two Dollar Store in Two Dot, Montana, Cash and Carry in Buffalo Center, Iowa, Jake’s High Class Clothes in Hope, Arkansas, and The Godfather’s on the Jersey Shore. Sandy Phoenix Designs are fashioned for women from 7 to 86. Our chief designer will be graduating from middle school this coming year.
•  •  •
My wife and I live in an area that is inhabited primarily by retirees. I should tell you that we don’t have an ice cream truck that drives around the blocks. Instead we have a liniment truck. You can hear the neighbors yelling, “It’s the liniment truck, It’s the liniment truck.” Of course most of the time the truck is gone by the time they get to the door.
•  •  •
A recent trip on 99W found us dining at J’s 99 Grill in Monmouth. Good food, friendly service and moderate prices. Then on highway in Philomath my wife and I discovered that the Dairy Queen kids meal is just right for us. This consists of a cheeseburger, small fries and small drink and fills my needs but a Mini Blizzard completes my wife’s meal. This DQ has room for only one car at the ordering sign others must wait in the street.
•  •  •
During the summer a group of slightly older gentlemen meet at the Chinook Winds Golf Course on Friday mornings to try and wrest the prize money from the Mayor. This is possible because Tom Correia and Jack Doyle give their services to the league. We all want to thank this pair for their good work.
•  •  •
Each year during the weekend of the Martin Luther King Holiday a very large carving show is held at Chinook Winds Casino. I for one always look forward to this impressive show and I can’t wait to view it in 2012.
•  •  •
This writer has been told that The Beach Dog Café is moving to the former Tups location. I predict that this will take some months for Sonia to move all of the dog pictures. I still believe that she should mount the pictures according to breed. Of course this would have to include the breed called Heinz 57.

Bridge with these egos? Too far.
[Aug. 26, 2011]
I’m planning on making my first million dollars. I’ve been watching the program “Hoarders,” in which people have entire houses filled to the ceilings with junk. My plan is to sell these folks case-lots of air fresheners. It would probably take a case per room. These folks seem bent on buying anything and everything so I’ll be standing at their doors. I have my eye on a Rolls Royce.
•  •  •
The other day on the news, I saw the following item: Russia has suggested that, when the space station ends its usefulness, it should be dumped into the ocean instead cluttering up the sky. How many billions of dollars have the United States, Russia and 12 other nations spent on this toy? On the other hand, we’ve kept a lot of engineers off the unemployment rolls.
•  •  •
I was having some chocolate pudding the other day, with its usual accompaniment of saltines. Yes, I said saltines. I’ve always found the salty taste goes great with the sweet chocolate. Remember in my previous missives that I have promoted the addition of cheddar cheese to apple pie. Now I would specify that shredded cheddar wouldn’t do. It must be a slab of cheese. Also, I don’t like the pie heated. Cold pie, cold cheese. Try it, you will love it.
•  •  •
In the “O” section of the Sunday Oregonian is a column devoted to answering questions about bridge. I will give you some inside information. Those letters are not written to get knowledge, they are written to show off the writers’ knowledge. I would imagine that those egos are miserable people to play with.
•  •  •
I mourn the loss of one of Lincoln City’s best restaurants, namely the SerendipiTea tea room. My excursions there with my sister and my granddaughters have been the highlights of their trips to the coast.
•  •  •
Some of the better restaurants on the coast have special dinners, with various courses accompanied by the correct wines. My tastes are a little more plebian. With my appetizer course I prefer an A & W root beer, vintage November. With the entrée I favor Barqs, from the early spring of 2009. Of course the dessert will be accompanied by a robust Henry Weinhard’s root beer. Do I detect a bit of flintiness?
•  •  •
At the time of this writing the stock market has been going up and down from 600 to 400 points a day. Guess who is making all the money? You are right, the stockbrokers. If they can get everyone to sell their stocks one day and buy them back the next they make money both ways. You will notice that they are not bragging about this. My advice is to buy stocks that give good dividends and sit on them. Some people rush out and buy gold. To them I say lots of luck. That’s like walking through a mine field.
•  •  •
There’s a new addition to the food scene in the Lincoln Beach-Depoe Bay area. I’m referring to the brand new Depoe Baykery (notice the tricky name). With a long and distinguished resume in the Lincoln County food industry, the folks at the bakery are turning out some delectable items. My wife immediately gravitated to the macaroons and found them delicious. The Bismarcks were filled with delightful fruit flavors and the French bread was superior. They open at 6 a.m. and close at 3 p.m., except on Sunday, when they open at 7 a.m. We were impressed by the shiny new kitchen, which is plainly visible to the customers. Plenty of parking and it is a stone’s throw to the Lincoln Beach Thriftway.
•  •  •
Just a little way south of the bakery is Jack’s Steaks and Seafood restaurant, which has a growing clientele and very fine food. Try their special potato chips with your meal. The servings are generous and the service is prompt. You can’t ask for more.
•  •  •
There are many people who spend their time worrying. Among these are those that say that blind people can’t hear electric and hybrid cars. I have a Prius that makes little or no noise, but the many people in our area who walk with their backs to the traffic always hear my tires scrunching on the pavement. It is quite loud and they always head for the side of the road.


Paul's cups never runneth empty
[Posted Aug. 12, 2011]

It has come to the attention of this reporter that the NCAA is preparing a sanction against State University because, during the 1924 football season a water-boy for the team failed to maintain a “C” average in his studies. Therefore the NCAA is stripping the school of its championship for the 1924 season. A group of six men in black suits and traveling in a limousine will march up to the school and demand the trophy be returned. As it turns out, none of the members of the team are still alive.
•  •  •
Thinking of opening a restaurant on the coast? Let me give you an idea of the turnover found in this business. Arby’s in Newport is now a credit union. Cap’n John’s in Lincoln City is now a car parts store. Also in Lincoln City, The Hilltop Inn was originally Cliff’s and then Denny’s, La Roca in Lincoln City was once called Closed Mondays and KFC in is now Oscar’s Mexican restaurant. A Dairy Queen in the Taft area of Lincoln City became Shucker’s Oyster Bar. The Bay House in Lincoln City was once called Twin Chimneys. Tups, now closed, has had a number of names. Shirley’s in Lincoln City originally was the Sip-N-Sand and then Richen’s, Lovin’ Spoonful was the Avanti, and the Mazatlan in Depoe Bay had a previous life peeking at the ocean. This is but a partial list of changes that I have observed in the past 34 years. You can make it in the restaurant business, if you find a niche. Seafood seems to be popular.
•  •  •
In 1929 the Lincoln County School District built a new elementary school near the D River and Devils Lake, and called it Delake School. For decades little children were educated there, including a number at the hands of my wife. Some years ago the children were divided between two other schools and Delake was closed. Members of the community with foresight started a drive to have the school purchased by the city and turned into a multi-faceted culture center. This was accomplished, and during the last few years the managers of the center have raised nearly a million dollars to upgrade the school in a wonderful fashion. Running a cultural center takes a lot of money, but it seems the city is having second thoughts. The city has a recreation center, a culinary center and a glassblowing center, and it seems to me that the Lincoln City Cultural Center offers something that visitors are looking for. The bottom line is not the be-all and end-all.
•  •  •
Now, I am a loyal customer of Park-N-Fly at the Portland airport, but recently they really tested my fortitude. I flew from Portland on July 6 and I was hoping to use the $7.99 coupon that is usually found in the travel section of the Sunday Oregonian. I opened the paper and found that the coupon expired on June 30 and none appeared in the next issue. I resorted to the Internet and found a coupon for $8.95, which I used upon my return. The next issue of the Oregonian had another $7.99 coupon. Do you think that they did this on purpose? I will remain true to Park-N-Fly because I think that they have the best security.
•  •  •
Remember when Buick owners all had a bar across the back seat filled with hangers holding their leisure suits and Hawaiian shirts? Well, there are still a few of these around. We all know that almost every bit of clothing is wrinkle free these days. Back in the early days of our marriage I found that if my shirt wasn’t “no iron” that it would disappear into the laundry basket and never come out again. I would imagine that thieves who lurk in motel parking lots love to find those clothes bars full of clothes.
•  •  •
One of the finest attributes that a waiter or waitress can have is the ability to keep your coffee cup filled when you are trying to wake up at breakfast. I would like to nominate Leslie and Nahum, at the Hilltop Inn restaurant in Lincoln City, as the best cup fillers that I have encountered in my travels. They are not only super efficient, but they have great senses of humor and keep the customers happy. Stop in and check this out.


Insurance ads: Hustle, and Flo
[Posted July 13, 2011]

Please explain to me how five or six automobile insurance companies can all announce that if you switch from one of the other companies you will save $400. This is a physical impossibility. Their main goal is to get you to call and then they can give you a sales pitch that sounds wonderful. Remember that if you switch from your present company to Sandy Phoenix Insurance you will save $10,000 a year. However I do like some of the GEICO television ads.
•  •  •
For some reason I received a catalogue from the Vermont Country Store. It is filled with items from my youth: candies, baked goods, articles of clothing, what-have-you. I ordered six assorted jars of jams and relishes and although they were a bit spendy they are delicious. One of the jars was green tomato piccalilly just as my mother used to make. It’s spicy but tasty as a condiment. Check it out, on the Web.
•  •  •
I belong to a few organizations that rely on volunteers and they all have one problem in common. The base of volunteers is shrinking. The Oregon coastal communities are filled with retired citizens with time on their hands. You and I can name a hundred organizations that need volunteer help. If you are just sitting in your living room staring at the ocean, pick up the phone and volunteer with your favorite charity. They are waiting for your call.
•  •  •
Recently there have been ads on TV for Western Sky Financial featuring either a Native American man or woman who will lend you money. I went to Google and found that Western Sky Financial consists of one man living on a reservation in the Dakotas. If you borrow money, the loan is transferred to Cash Call in California, a company that is not a favorite of the police or the Better Business Bureau. If you borrow money from Western Sky Financial you get to pay 139 percent interest on the loan. What a deal! Wouldn’t you think that television channels have a moral requirement to not publicize such loathsome lending?
•  •  •
Could you tell me why it is so chic today to look like a slob? Men don’t shave. They wear their hair straight up like a fright wig propelled by tons of gel. Women wear their sweaters down to their fingernails, their hair slashed randomly on the ends and possibly bright orange or green. Nothing is coordinated and the ultimate goal is to wear every color of the rainbow. Of course, ugly and coarse tattoos are all the rage. It would seem that the old goal of attracting men has dissolved into trying to impress other women with their complete lack of style. Well, I got that off my chest.
•  •  •
I read recently that in the future cars will fly. I can imagine a driver talking on the cell phone and flying into the 15th floor of the KOIN tower.
•  •  •
I enjoy the food and ambience at the Surfrider, just north of Depoe Bay. The dining room is situated above Fogarty Creek State Wayside and the choice tables overlook the ocean. It is humorous to watch people try to get closer to the windows, even though they have already been seated. Recently I observed an elderly couple, who had been seated about 8 feet from the windows, ask to change to the corner table that had just been vacated. The bus girl said “OK” and the movement of all their dirty cups and glasses began. Many restaurants which overlook the ocean have rules about changing tables because of the extra work. What was odd about the elderly couple was that they seated themselves at the first table, with their backs to the ocean. My wife and I have enjoyed the food at the Surfrider for 34 years and always take guests there to dine. We try to spot the eagle across the bay.
•  •  •
I learned many years ago that the primary reason that two people marry is because of propinquity, that is, nearness. You are more likely to marry the girl in the office than your pen pal five states away. I know. I married the teacher on the floor below mine in the school. I read something that backed up my theory. Here it is. “If you got a girl in another town, you ain’t got no girl at all.”

Fish taco fans flock to aquarium
[Posted June 28, 2011]

You are undoubtedly familiar with the small sign that hangs on the motel doorknob, saying “Please do not disturb.” The folks at the Three Rivers Casino and Hotel in Florence have their own version. Their sign says, “Please do not disturb unless my Keno numbers are called.”
•  •  •
A few miles south of Waldport is the Oregon Coast Garden Center. The inventory is staggering and well planned. Enormous greenhouses are on every side and the staff is more than helpful and courteous. We find that an annual trip to this nursery is a must.
•  •  •
I have devoted thousands of hours, in my life, to watching big league baseball on TV. I have come to the following conclusion: 50 percent of the time, the batter has decided to swing, or not, before the ball is ever thrown. How else can you explain a lunging swing at a ball thrown in the dirt? Is there another reason that the batter would watch the first pitch fly over the middle of the plate, while he pretends to assess the pitcher’s fastball? Check this out. You may agree with me.
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix Motion Picture Company will soon be in production of a remake of the 1959 movie musical “Li’l Abner.” We’ll be updating the sequence about Sadie Hawkins Day, which features young unmarried women chasing bachelors and marrying them. In our rendition, the girls will be driving NASCAR racers and the men will be driving 1959 pickup trucks. Stupefyin’ Jones will, of course, be played by Betty White. General Bullmoose will be played by Justin Bieber, but he will have to bulk up.
•  •  •
Let us imagine that you wish to dine at the South Beach Grill, inside the Oregon Coast Aquarium in Newport, but you don’t wish to pay the entrance fee just to enjoy the great food. You don’t have to. Just tell the staff at the entrance gate that you’re only there to eat, and they’ll let you through. Steve Wilson and Sean McCart, of The Bay House in Lincoln City, have contracted to operate the aquarium’s restaurant. Their South Beach Grill makes beach food, inspired by Southern California and Hawaii, and fish tacos are the specialty (mahi mahi or shrimp). Steve told me Tuesday that my favorite, Loko-Moko (or Loco-Moco) is on the menu. As a final note: my wife and I recently celebrated our 51st anniversary and my birthday at The Bay House. We had a wonderful meal.
•  •  •
Since 1962 I have had a gas company credit card, which I have paid off every month. Around the first of this year, my friends suggested that I pay via the Internet and I took their advice. Recently I had the opportunity to contact the company and after entering my card number a recorded voice began to tell me about my account. I was stunned to find that I had a late fee of $20. When I finally spoke to a human being, he informed me that I had also been charged $3 interest. After my explanation, he removed these fees. I advise that you monitor your Internet accounts carefully. I can tell you, that credit card will no longer be in use.
•  •  •
My granddaughter, Grace, the eighth grader, has a friend named Emma. Emma created a sandwich that I had never seen before: white bread, sliced turkey, Swiss cheese, and miniature pretzels. I perceive that the young generation is very creative.
•  •  •
When you want to find out about a highway in Oregon you call 511. The middle of June I called to find out about Hwy. 126, between Eugene and Bend. The recording advised that I carry chains or traction devices. When I went to the Oregon Department of Transportation’s road advisory website, tripcheck.com, I checked the road cameras of that area – and I couldn’t see a single flake of snow. When do they change the recorded messages? In the spring, I have traveled down Interstate 5 and seen those same warnings on temporary signs, when there is no snow on the ground.
*     *    *
I recently saw a Ziggy cartoon featuring a man in a chair, in front of a TV. A voice on the TV says, “The following program was made possible by people who must think you’re a gullible idiot.”


Flannel options weather sheet storm
[Posted June 15, 2011]

How about barbecue in Toledo, Ore.? I would refer you to Stu Miller’s Pig Feathers BBQ (330 S. Main St., 541-336-1833). This reporter found that a half order of baby back ribs was a mere $5.50 with a wide variety of sauces, from sweet and smoky to hot, hot, hot. There’s one side dish that I must mention: their wonderful baked beans are the best I’ve had. The menu includes burgers and a very wide assortment of wings. On our visit, the dining room was populated with local patrons. Toledo folks know where to dine.
•  •  •
It has come to my attention that the education departments of the southern states have unified the requirements for graduation from high school. The test involves only one question. Spell NASCAR. If you can do this, it’s off to college.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Playground Safety Inc. wishes to announce the newest items in our catalogue. We have observed that do-gooders are busy trying to cushion children from any disaster, and believe that within a few months all playgrounds will require children who swing and teeter to wear helmets. Sandy Phoenix now has a complete line of playground helmets and swing safety belts. We also sell large pieces of 3-inch foam that will completely cover the playground, to provide soft landings. We haven’t worked out what happens to the foam when it rains.
•  •  •
Heading for Arizona in the next year? My wife and I have a tip for you. Located about 40 miles northwest of Phoenix is the city of Wickenburg. We have made two trips to Wickenburg, primarily to enjoy the Desert Caballeros Western Museum. This is a first class tourist stop that was built by the local citizenry. We also recommend the Hassayampa River Preserve, a few miles outside of town. It has a museum and a number of nature trails that help you learn about local flora and fauna. We took a trail around a small lake and viewed a variety of waterfowl. This is the closest thing to an oasis that we have encountered.
•  •  •
Recently, the news media reported that a couple living in Australia are raising their children as sexually neutral. I can visualize the child, at about age 10, standing in the airport looking at two doors marked “Men” and “Women,” with a puzzled expression on his/her face.
•  •  •
I have noted that the new Leaf electric automobile can travel about 100 miles on a charge. Last January my wife and I spent three days driving 1,100 miles to Palm Springs. If we were driving a Leaf the trip would have taken 11 days. Looks like Leaf owners are going to have to own another car for trips.
•   •  •
I thoroughly enjoy warm sheets on the bed. Now there are two possibilities: jersey and flannel. I am going to give you a tip about jersey sheets. They grow and grow every day following laundering. Pretty soon you have the top sheet all over the floor and a tangled mess. Stick to flannel. Satin is out of the question.
•  •  •
Could someone explain to me why, week after week, the new jobless claims are 400,000? Never more, never less. I suspect that the person in charge of keeping track of this number is out playing golf and calls his secretary from the 10th tee and says, “Put in the same number as last month.”
•  •  •
Each day I switch to CNBC to see what the Dow Jones Average is. Crowded onto the screen are six or seven people, who are called upon to give expert opinions about why the market is up or down. They use a secret language that includes Small Caps, Large Caps and Hedge Funds. These people talk very fast and loud and quote many numbers and assure you that you can become a millionaire if you play the stock market. My advice is go to the nearest casino and put your money in the slots. They pay off better.
•  •  •
Do you dream of being on “American Idol?” Here are a few tips about appearing on stage. Clutch the microphone in your left hand with the end almost in your mouth. With your right hand you reach out to the front and point your finger at the crowd. Now go into a half crouch, legs spread wide. Finally, scream into the microphone, almost on key, and the higher the note the better. You can’t lose.


Water bottles could have gyre consequences
[Posted June 1, 2011]

Are you familiar with the name Curtis Ebbesmeyer? Mr. Ebbesmeyer lives in the state of Washington and has written a very popular book called “Flotsametrics and the Floating World.” You might have heard that somewhere between California and Hawaii is a huge area of floating plastic as big as Texas. Dr. Ebbesmeyer now says that there are eight of these areas in the world. You might remember when a ship from the Orient broke up in the North Pacific and athletic shoes washed up on beaches all over the West Coast and Hawaii. Ebbesmeyer started charting where these items washed up, and used this data to build his “flotsametric” theory, which has culminated in the above-mentioned book. I know that you cherish your ability to buy water in plastic bottles and show off your health regimen. Remember that your bottle will probably end up floating in the Pacific Ocean and choking fish.
•  •  •
I have a nominee for the most obnoxious personality on television. He appears on talk shows, such as “The View.” His name is Mario Cantone and he is beyond irritating. Send in your nominees.
•  •  •
It is very easy to sit down in a restaurant, grab the menu and go immediately to the list of entrees. I would recommend that you pause at the top of the page and look over the appetizers. The list is usually very interesting and ends in an appetizer sampler, a little of everything. The portions are usually just right for an older person, and it leaves more room for dessert. You should consider ordering appetizers as a meal. At least one restaurant chain is promoting this idea – check it out. You might like it.
•  •  •
Perhaps you had the opportunity to be in Fargo, N.D., during the week of May 8 through May 15? If so, you probably visited the Fargo-Moorhead Visitors Center and had some time to view a Yard Shark with an 8-horse Briggs and Stratton engine. What you saw is the most famous wood chipper of all time. It appeared in the motion picture “Fargo,” with a human leg sticking straight up out of it, and more blood than a bull ring. The folks in Fargo decided to use this piece of Americana to promote tourism and borrowed it from the owner, Milo Durben, who was on the film crew of the movie. I thank my sister Marilyn for alerting me to this event.
•  •  •
While you are enjoying a wonderful breakfast or lunch at The Beach Dog, in the Taft area of Lincoln City, you can try to convince owner Sonia that she should rearrange the hundreds of dog pictures by breed. Sonia and Roger have built a base of local customers together with the tourists who are staying nearby. I have always been amazed at their ability to adjust the menu for specific tastes or capacities.
•  •  •
Those of you living on the Central Oregon Coast have a jewel of a store in Newport. The Franz Bakery store, one block west of Hwy. 101 and one block nortth of Power Motors, sells day-old bread at fantastic prices. I really enjoy Franz Western Hazelnut bread and toast it each morning. I buy a number of loaves and freeze them, and save a lot of money. They have many products in the store, in addition to their various breads.
•  •  •
I’ll bet you have always wondered how we get gluten-free flour, which has recently become very popular. I am going to tell you of a secret process, which I recently uncovered. Hundreds of years ago the Glutens found themselves at war with their enemy. I can’t tell you the name of the enemy because they have a whole team of lawyers. The Glutens still remember this war, and their aversion can be used to the miller’s advantage. Here’s the process. Place the flour with the glutens on a big table. Halfway across the table, make a big slot, about 6 feet deep. On the other side of the moat, place a large number of their enemy. The Glutens will rush their nemesis across the table and fall into the slot. And that’s how you get gluten-free flour.


Miracle of berth: No marina is ever empty
[Posted May 18, 2011]

The Sandy Phoenix Document Company would like to announce its complete line of Certificates of Authenticity. Perhaps you have noticed the many commercials on TV for spurious items and complete fakes that come with certificates of authenticity? With our new line of documents, you can go around your house and paste them on everything that you own. Your neighbors will be astounded that your toaster is completely authentic, of course if it weren’t, it wouldn’t toast anything. See our ad on TV and call for your set of certificates for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling.
•  •  •
Wonderful things come in small packages and Boursin Cheese is one of these. I found that this cheese has a wonderful flavor and I enjoy putting it in omelettes, as it melts to just the right consistency, full of herbs. Watch out, it is very crumbly.
•  •  •
When you watch sporting events that take place near a body of water, you usually see a shot of a marina. The amazing thing is that those marinas always seem full of boats. Do people buy cruisers and sailboats to line them up at docks? If they do not plan to use them, would they let me borrow one, to cruise around Puget Sound? I’ll pay for the gas. I have a theory that all of these owners are standing out on a golf course watching a tournament in their shorts. And aren’t really sure where their boats are.
•  •  •
Summer is here and some of us are going to fly away from PDX and are wondering what to do with our cars. You can stay at some motels and for a few dollars extra you can leave your car for up to two weeks in their parking lots. They have TV cameras, but is anyone watching? You can leave your car in the economy lot, but their vandalism record is not good. This leaves Park N Fly, which I have used repeatedly. I take one look at their big fence and 24-hour staff and their coupon on the Internet and I say go for it.
•  •  •
I am an avid fan of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” on the Food Network, but I have one big question. Repeatedly, the featured chef will make a marinade or sauce, and the preparation will include about 15 different spices and condiments. Don’t these flavors counteract each other and end up with something blasé? Guy Fieri always makes a good face and pronounces the mixture a big success. Are you faking it, Guy?
•  •  •
Almost every car made today has a hybrid model. I find it difficult to find out any statistics regarding the difference between the mileage of the regular model and the hybrid model, or any information about how the hybrid drive is accomplished. I looked up two Ford cars that have hybrid models and I couldn’t find any information about the differences. I believe that the manufacturers don’t really want to sell the hybrid models because they avoid mentioning them in their advertising. So the question is: How does the Camry Hybrid differ from the Camry and what is the mileage difference for the extra money? Ask your friendly car salesman.
•  •  •
Lee’s Chinese Restaurant at the D River in Lincoln City has a long history of fine food. A recent meal at the café produced some of the best egg flower soup that my wife and I have ever experienced. It had a wonderful broth and great seasonings. Our meals were equally well done and we both ended up with take-home boxes (a testament to good food). I am a fairly regular customer at this café and I always see local friends when dining. Here is a tip, as locals know where to go.
•  •  •
I like a variety of jams, jellies and honey on my Franz Western Hazelnut breakfast toast. When it comes to honey my very favorite is meadowfoam honey, which I find occasionally in various supermarkets. Meadowfoam honey tastes like vanilla and comes from the meadowfoam plant that is grown for its oils (also used in cosmetics). I just discovered that the Flying Bee Ranch in Salem sells meadowfoam honey on the Internet. Turn on Google and check it out.




Bulking up Bieber, and other schemes
[Posted May 5, 2011]

The current trend, it seems, is to make motion pictures only with the biggest box office stars. And, since it appears that the film industry has exhausted every new idea and would rather re-make the classics, The Sandy Phoenix Feature Film company wishes to announce a new production. We propose the production of “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” starring George Clooney as Brick, Betty White as Maggie the Cat and Justin Bieber as Big Daddy. To save money we are going to film this picture in Vancouver, British Columbia, at the Super 8 motel. Look for an opening this fall. In the interim, we will be busy getting Bieber to bulk up.
•  •  •
Every day, we are confronted by scams, in the newspapers and on TV. If the scammers are able to manipulate numbers to make it appear that the customer is going to get a great deal when actually they are getting robbed, they are way ahead. For example, a reproduction of an old $50 gold piece is being sold for $9.95 and has 14 milligrams of gold on it. Because most people don’t have a clue as to the amount of gold this represents, they are duped into buying the coin (plus paying an unnamed shipping and handling). When I wrote this item, gold was selling for $1,450 an ounce. Converting to 14 milligrams we find that the coin is covered with 65 cents worth of gold. You can admire your coin while you sit next to your Amish electric stove, which you supposedly receive free. Watch out for the shipping and handling, and the motherboard, on that one.
•  •  •
As you pass through the alcoholic beverage aisles of the supermarket, or through a wine shop, are you overwhelmed by the sheer number of labels and varieties? I see wine columns in newspapers and magazines, but as far as I am concerned this always muddies the playing field. They tell you that this or that wine is a great buy, but where do you find it?
•  •  •
I am a very happy that north Lincoln County has such a great hospital and such a fine crew of doctors, nurses, technicians and other staff members. I recently had the opportunity to visit the emergency room on three separate occasions, in one week, and Drs. Ogden and Orton saw to my needs with wonderful expertise. The staff operated as a team, well versed in the care of my malady.
•  •  •
Summer is here and it is time for athletically inept parents to force their children to play sports that they themselves failed. Have little Joan or Jimmy hit a soccer ball with his/her head, or crouch in the T-ball field and pretend to be interested. Meanwhile, the children can be completely ashamed of their parents swearing and directing bad language at umpires, the other teams and their parents. I feel that children of today have huge crosses to bear.
•  •  •
I have been a fan of HBO series, such as “The Sopranos” and “Big Love,” but I was very disappointed in the recent production of “Mildred Pierce.” I’ve watched the original Joan Crawford film over the years and truly enjoyed it. The HBO version changed the ending and babbled on for hours. Reelzchannel bought the rights to something called “The Kennedys” and then promoted it to death. They are trying to get their money back from something that was turned down by other channels. The more they advertise the farther you should stay away.
•  •  •
In last week’s Oregon Coast TODAY, Isaac Asimov’s Super Quiz tested our knowledge of the American Civil War. Question No. 9 was, “Surrender took place at this site on April 9, 1865.” The answer was Appomattox Court House, Va.
You can fool most of your friends, however, if you ask them a slightly different question, “In what building did Lee surrender to Grant, to end the Civil War?” The answer is not “Appomattox Court House” but in the living room of a private home, on the main street of a village in Virginia named Appomattox Court House.
It’s true. Norma and I have been there.
The fine print on TV is anything but
[Posted April 21, 2011]

It seems that for some people the sound of a tsunami warning siren means “Let’s go down to the beach and see the big wave.”  They are called idiots.
•  •  •
Occasionally, in the Oregonian, one finds full-page ads for Amish stoves. They are powered by a 750-watt lamp and contain a mother board. I was not aware that the Amish people used electricity or computer components. Some are advertised as free, but the copy says they are reconditioned and that you have to pay for the computer components, the cost of which has been curiously omitted from the ad.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Optical Corporation wishes to announce two new products. The first is an extremely powerful magnifying glass, and the second is an extremely powerful microscope. Both are called Super Duper Magnify. These items are to be sold only to lawyers who are engaged in the work of producing the small print at the bottom of the TV screen in ads. In this copy you will find that no matter what happens to the product the manufacturing company is never responsible, and that purchasing the product includes costs that are not mentioned elsewhere else on the screen. For this type of work, most companies hire lawyers who have flunked ethics and have no morals whatsoever.
•  •  •
I was watching the Houston Open and I picked up my road atlas to see where the tournament was being held. It was actually held in Humble, Texas, a suburb of Houston. My eyes strayed to the left on the map and I noted an intriguing point of interest, just west of Humble. What fascinated me was its name: The National Museum of Funeral History. I’ll bet you can’t wait to visit that place.
•  •  •
Shopping for shoes? Here is a tip. If you are in or near Florence, I suggest that you head for On Your Feet Footwear. This store is found in a remodeled theater in Old Town. My wife and I have been buying shoes from this store for a number of years, and have found both an excellent selection and courteous staff. I’m sure you will find something to tickle your fancy, and if it is not in stock they will order it for you. There are many great restaurants nearby.
•  •  •
Are you familiar with the Adobe Resort in Yachats? My wife and I usually spend a couple nights there each year and thoroughly enjoy the accommodations and the fine food. The restaurant has one of the best views in Oregon. The placemats explain the interesting history of the area. The staff is great and they have designed a wonderful menu. For those of us who can’t eat a big meal, they will split the order and present it on two plates for an additional $7.50. The same thing goes for breakfast, for $3.50. One evening, my wife and I shared a wonderful coho with gorgonzola. For breakfast, we split an order of apple gingerbread pancakes. We never miss the Thanksgiving dinner, which is served to approximately 500 people.
•  •  •
These days, sporting events are opened with huge flags that cover the football field or, in the case of the NCAA tournaments, the basketball court. The Sandy Phoenix predicts that in the year 2013 they will have a flag so big that it will cover the entire Rose Bowl, thereby suffocating the entire audience.
•  •  •
Right now, a man in Arizona is on trial for manslaughter, after three people died in a sweat lodge that he provided. What amazes me is that these people paid $10,000 to climb into this poorly-made tent.

Leaf it to the auto industry
[Posted April 6, 2011]

The Sandy Phoenix Financial Partners Co. wishes to announce a new product. If you are afraid of putting your money in stocks and bonds, and banks worry you, the logical idea is to bury your money in the backyard. Sandy Phoenix has invented a graph paper product, which you can use to draw an outline of your yard and pinpoint the location of your hoard. Sandy Phoenix has added a safeguard in the form of a carbon paper under your diagram. The idea is to make the drawing and send the carbon copy to SPFP, and we will put it in safekeeping, just in case you lose your copy. P.S. We have a shovel and your address.
•   •   •
I recently purchased two Paula Deen Company omelet frying pans at Fred Meyer. They have copper bottoms and wow!, do they ever heat up fast.
•  •  •
Recently I was watching the Golf Channel early in the morning and they had the European PGA on, live. It was the Sicilian Open. Now, be aware that this is a very tough competition. At the end of Friday’s play, the cutoff is established. If you don’t make the cut, your body will be found the next day stuffed in the trunk of a 1937 Packard sedan. If your caddy kisses you full on the mouth, never turn your back on him.
•   •   •
I cook a couple of dishes that require noodles. When you go to the store they have wide noodles, extra wide noodles, twin, standard, queen and king size noodles. Doesn’t anyone have thin noodles? If wide noodles are unmanageable, think of these bigger sizes.
•   •   •
There is a barrage of ads on TV for various colleges that almost guarantee you a very high paying job upon graduation, and that they will help you finance your learning. Almost daily, there are articles about the fraud connected to some of these schools, how they get you hip-deep in government loan debt without a job to show for it. Get smart and investigate your local community college. The courses are endless, both in the classroom and online. There are people at these colleges who are sincerely interested in your ability to get a good job, and not in seeing how far you can get in debt. I was a faculty member at Oregon Coast Community College. I know whereof I speak.
•   •   •
As you read this item it will become very clear as to when this event happened. I purchased a loaf of Franz Jewish Rye Bread and on the end of the loaf was a sticker that said “Happy St. Patrick’s Day.”
•   •   •
In January, when we were in California, we were in the waiting area at the Palm Springs Airport, watching for the arrival of my sister from Minnesota. I needed some cash and I spotted an ATM. A moment before the cash came out into the tray I looked down and saw that there was a $20 bill already there. Someone had accidentally left a bill in the machine. I decided that this machine paid better than the slots at Agua Caliente Casino in Palm Springs.
•   •   •
Much of the auto industry news today concerns electric cars: GM’s Volt, Nissan’s Leaf and others. Did you know that in the 1920s, one quarter of the cars sold were electric? My grandmother had an electric car in those years and it had a novel steering mechanism, namely a tiller. A bar on a pivot came down in front of the driver and you directed the car by pushing or pulling the bar. I thought that the human race was supposed to learn from history. Obviously we don’t.
•   •   •
Repeatedly, on the news, we see rebels in Third World countries celebrating victories by firing their AK-47s and other automatic weapons up into the air. Here is my question: Don’t those bullets ever come down? It would seem that the laws of physics demand that the shells will accelerate as they fall. I don’t see everyone wearing a helmet. Does anyone keep track of causalities from these displays?

Argument for bag ban, cut from whole cloth
[Posted March 23, 2011]

The Sandy Phoenix Pharmaceutical Company wishes to announce a new product, Superduperantihydro pills. These pills come with the following warning. If you have a violent reaction to this medication, don’t call your doctor. Instead, call your lawyer and rewrite your will, making Sandy Phoenix Pharmaceuticals the sole beneficiary of your will because you don’t have long to be around. Sandy Phoenix will bear the cost of your lawyer’s fees. Sandy Phoenix carried out extensive field tests of this product in Third World countries, and we found it to be 100 percent effective in terminating a number of major diseases, as attested by the survivors.
•  •  •
Once there was a man to whom life had been unkind. He had dropped out of college, his wife left him, he had the winning lottery ticket and lost it, no girl would go out with him, and he spent all his money on doctors and psychiatrists. In order to get back at the world for all his misfortunes, he invented the crew cab and made everyone extremely uncomfortable.
•  •  •
Oregon is considering banning plastic bags, and requiring that people pay for paper bags. Recently on the TV news, a woman was interviewed and complained that she couldn’t afford to pay for paper bags. Neither the woman nor the TV reporter mentioned that every store sells cloth bags that you bring to the store, fill and use again. I was sitting in front of a Fred Meyer store one day and saw that at least 50 percent of the people entering the store were carrying cloth bags. We currently have three cloth bags, enough for any shopping venture.
•  •  •
Guess what? It is almost time to start the golf season. The Friday morning golf league at Chinook Winds Casino Resort is always looking for golfers to play nine holes and enjoy the companionship of some fine folks. There is a new format this year. Check it out. Has anyone played the course at Waldport? In the last few years it has enjoyed a wonderful transformation. Try it.
•  •  •
I am going to present you with a hypothetical problem. Imagine that an NBA player becomes enraged by a heckling fan. He reaches in his shorts, pulls out a handgun and kills the heckler. Here are some alternatives for you to ponder.
1.The coach should suspend the player for one game.
2. The coach should suspend the player for the rest of the season.
3. The NBA should not consider him for the NBA Hall of Fame.
4. The court should let him off with a reprimand and 20 hours of community service.
5. The family of the heckler should forgive the player.
6. The player’s handgun permit should be suspended.
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix School of Journalism wishes to announce the most sought-after class in our catalogue. The course, Asking Inane and Redundant Questions, is very valuable for TV reporters. We have added a new section to the class, in which we teach TV news personalities how to talk for hours during breaking news without having any information whatsoever. We also teach these media folks how to laugh and tell jokes immediately after reporting a disaster or killing.
•  •  •
If you travel up and down the Washington and Oregon coasts, you will know there is a very nice chain of Mexican restaurants named Mazatlan. From Aberdeen, Wash., to Newport, these family-owned restaurants serve great food at reasonable prices. My family has eaten in at least five of these landmarks and the menu items are very consistent from café to café. The staffs are genial and if you pay attention you might find some coupons for dollars off. The Mazatlan at Depoe Bay has an ocean view.
•  •  •
If you are lucky enough to live in the Lincoln City area, be alerted that on April 28 the Cascade Head Music Festival will be presenting the Portland Baroque Orchestra in concert at the Lincoln City Cultural Center. The orchestra’s last appearance in Lincoln City brought a standing ovation, and everyone can look forward to wonderful music performed by internationally-known musicians.

Surprises by the Spoonfull, in Lincoln City
[Posted March 8, 2011]

Are you the manager of a government bureau or a large corporation? Are you having trouble with your software? Do you feel that it is inadequate? Sandy Phoenix Software can be the solution to your problem. Our sales staff will come to you and sell you the greatest software you could ever imagine. Although it sounds expensive just think of how your many offices will operate with our integrated system. Here is a warning. After a year of our on-site presence you still won’t have a system and you will be presented with a new bill that doubles the cost of the system. Since you are already up to your ears in debt for the system you will have to agree with the new price. During the third year you still won’t have a system and the price will double again. Remember if you try to get your money back you will have to send your lawyers to Bermuda. Watch out, our guard dogs are vicious, and the fence has razor wire on top.
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix Sports Office is inaugurating a new pool. We will take any amount of money that you wish to bet, and the object of the pool is to guess in what year advertisers will start to spray-paint ads on the greens at all PGA events. Remember you heard it here first.
•  •  •
There is a restaurant phenomenon in Lincoln City. Imagine a restaurant that opens in the winter in a tourist town during a recession and flourishes. The Lovin’ Spoonfull has been enjoying a full parking lot, on a regular basis. Even more unusual: after they announced their hours, they stuck to them, which is something that you don’t always find. Paul and the gang produce satisfying food at a moderate price and it would seem that young contractors are at the core of the large clientele. Requests for special combinations are always honored. Although rock music album covers are everywhere, you might be surprised to hear country or even bluegrass music early in the morning. The restaurant has received its liquor license and has opened for dinner. See you there.
•  •  •
On Feb. 23 and 24 there was a small snowstorm in the region. On Thursday, Feb. 24, Portland’s Channel 8 pre-empted the “Today” show to broadcast more than an hour of footage showing children playing in the snow in the yard of a closed school, and of newscasters standing next to various bare pavement highways. My sisters live in the Twin Cities and they have had more than 70 inches of snow this winter. If they followed Portland’s lead, their TV stations would broadcast nothing but snow reports and children would never go to school.
•  •  •
Imagine the family with a young child whose father is an avid outdoorsman. The dad insists that the child be dressed daily in camouflage clothes. Each day the family spends two hours trying to find the child in the yard.
•  •  •
My friend Alan roams about the county investigating cafes. His most recent report states that The Coffee House on the Bayfront in Newport has tremendous blueberry compote that he slathers on the king-size pancakes. Good slathering, Alan.
•  •  •
I enjoy buffets and occasionally visit the buffet at Chinook Winds Casino Resort. If I listed my latest combination of flavors you would probably have to go out on the porch and take a deep breath. Remember that I, personally, have only scratched the surface of the plethora of delicious foods. I can usually be found in the dessert corner.
•  •  •
Recently, several friends said that they had been reading about the evils of eating cheese. Supposedly, cheese is the worst food possible for your health.
I find this a difficult proposition, especially while enjoying fondue at one of the Gustav’s restaurants in the Portland area. Whatever entrée you order, it is a must to include some fondue wrapped around those great chunks of assorted breads.
A view so nice, it’s hard to Fathom
[Posted Feb. 22, 2011]

I would like to announce that the Sandy Phoenix column contains twice as many antioxidants as any other column found in an Oregon paper.
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix Furniture Company, recognizing that the future holds untold riches, has embarked on new lines of furniture designed for space travel. As people prepare to visit far-away planets and dock in space stations, we see a need for comfort as well as style. Our recliners will come in styles such as Early American, Southwestern, Art Deco, Gothic, Baroque, and Bauhaus. Our astronauts will have a real feel of home as they soar through space, month after month.
•  •  •
Are you familiar with the acronym VRBO? VRBO stand for Vacation Rentals By Owner and we recently made use of this service in Southern California. We found that number 234230 was everything advertised and the process was smooth and pleasant. The owner had provided for all of our needs for a month’s period including a 60-inch TV and a beautiful view of Mt. San Jacinto at Palm Springs. Check it out.
•  •  •
As announced in a previous column, it is time to name the winners in the Sandy Phoenix People’s Favorite Awards. Since this writer is quite old and my associates are elderly the awards have a slight bias. I canvassed everyone I know and came up with the following winners of the People’s Favorite Award: Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks. Too bad, Miley Cyrus.
•  •  •
The view from Fathoms restaurant at the Inn at Spanish Head is spectacular, but that shouldn’t deter you from appreciating the wonderful cuisine. Food and Beverage Manager Mark Irving, together with Chef Matt Polley, are constantly re-tuning the menu to appeal to coastal visitors and residents. They have a new menu with a Mediterranean accent (you can download it from spanishhead.com). On our recent visit with friends, we found the service and the food to be top notch.
•  •  •
Due to the fact that this column is written a week or two in advance I must apologize for the lateness of this item. During the half-time show at the Superbowl there were approximately 30 minute of music? As far as I am concerned, that was 28 minutes too long.
•  •  •
Did you know that driving on the Ventura Freeway in a rainstorm, four lanes abreast, at 70 miles per hour, is not fun?
•  •  •
There are houses that have the shades pulled day and night, every day of the year. Sometimes the shades consist of dirty sheets pulled across the windows. Would you guess that there might illegal activity going on inside? Who wants someone looking over his shoulder when he is doing drugs? A semi-wrecked car in the driveway always adds to the picture. Lots of visitors at all hours?
•  •  •
During tax season we find advertisements on TV for companies that will get you a big refund. Hey! Why are you letting the government keep you money for you during the year? Don’t you know how to adjust your dependents? Smarten up. Use your own money all year.
•  •  •
I just read a thousand-word article about no-wrinkle sheets. The writer, a Mr. John Ewoldt, luxuriates in ironed sheets. I personally am more interested in warm blankets. I can imagine John slithering around in his bed on his freshly ironed sheets. Who is the idiot who irons them?
•  •  •
Here is a piece of information that would be of value to those that are affected by gluten. Just because a restaurant lists gluten -free items doesn’t mean that you are out of the woods. Cross-contamination through utensils, grills and other working surfaces in the kitchen can negate the gluten-free efforts. Restaurants such as the Hilltop Inn, in Lincoln City, maintain separate utensils and working areas. A pizzeria that flours the surface with regular flour to work with gluten free dough defeats the idea. Every day, people die from this protein. Check with your server.


Deviled eggs? Clear case of divine intervention
[Posted Feb. 9, 2011]

Back in the days of Mohammad Ali I followed the sport of boxing and knew the various fighters. Recently I tuned into a boxing match on TV and discovered that the boxers now have advertising all over their shorts. I was particularly drawn to an ad for the car company Dodge on the belt line of one boxer’s pants. This brought back a memory from my youth of the famous safety feature of the Dodge automobiles. In the 20s and 30s these cars had, on their fronts, the name of the manufacturer, Dodge Brothers. It was said that this was the safest car because it plainly stated on the front, “Dodge, Brother!”
•  •  •
I have discovered that the syrup selection at IHOP restaurants consists of four flavors: Old Fashioned, Blueberry, Strawberry and, wonder of wonders, a magic elixir called Butter Pecan. I have become addicted to this flavor and it goes so well with the extremely light and fluffy IHOP pancakes. During our vacation in the south I made many visits to IHOP.
•  •  •
While speaking of the Southwest, particularly the Palm Springs area, I might mention a phenomenon that I encountered. Have you ever played out of a sand trap with a number of ripe olives in it? We had to walk on a lot of olives, when we stopped our golf cart at the tee.
•  •  •
Have you ever considered how potluck dinners seem to always end up with an assortment of foods? I firmly believe that God watches down on potluck meals and sees to it that everyone doesn’t bring four-bean salads. What other explanation could account for this?
•  •  •
On our recent trip, we were joined by a female relative, who announced one day that she would like to go shopping. When asked what she wanted to shop for, she said she didn’t know. When asked what store she wanted to shop at, she didn’t know. Then she ventured that maybe Wal-Mart would be the answer. When Barnes and Noble was mentioned she thought that there might be a store nearby that she could explore. Near Barnes and Noble we discovered a Target, and she expressed interest. She and her companion went in. Thirty minutes later they emerged with a $3 t-shirt. I don’t understand female shopping methods.
•  •  •
This is the time of year when entertainers get awards, lots of awards. I recommend that you watch future issues of this column for the widely cherished Sandy Phoenix Wards. Enough said.
•  •  •
How to install a home security system:
Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter
This is courtesy of the newspaper in Cathedral City, Calif.
•  •  •
I found the following quote in a book called “Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch” by Neil Gaiman and Terry Prachett.
“Human beings mostly aren’t (evil). They just get carried away by new ideas, like dressing up in jackboots and shooting people, or dressing up in white sheets and lynching people, or dressing up in tie-dye jeans and playing guitars at people. Offer people a new creed with a costume and their hearts and minds will follow.”
•  •  •
Playing golf in January, on a dry course, is a new experience and a little tough when the temperature is in the 80s.

The arc of civilization: From Ancient Greece to ... New Jersey
[Posted Jan. 25, 2011]

I have a new idea. I think that the NBA should shorten the court by about 20 feet. This would put the three point lines back to back. My reason for doing this is to spare those poor players. This would reduce the amount of time that they spend walking up and down the floor. You must realize that they get very tired flying around the country, standing around for hours during the thousands of time-outs and going to the bank with their millions of dollars. Let’s give these guys a chance and shorten the floor.
•  •  •
We mourn the sad passing of the toy store at the Salishan Marketplace. I believe that the Wooden Duck (its original name) started about 30 years ago. The reason that I know this is that I built the checkout counter and most of the shelves for the store when it opened. Additionally the men’s store next door is leaving, or has already left. The owner went to Missouri to teach meditation. I’m sure that new tenants will move in and be assets to the Marketplace.
•  •  •
Many scholars believe that the ancient Greek civilization was the acme of the history of mankind. If you place that civilization at one end of a continuum, I feel that at the other end (the bad end) you would have to place New Jersey. The programs “Jersey Shore” and “The Sopranos” have convinced me. What it comes down to is Aristotle versus Snooki.
•  •  •
Along the same lines as the previous item I would like to mention the program called “Judge Judy.” Who are these people who appear on her program? Don’t they realize that they are displaying enormous stupidity? You don’t ever defeat Judge Judy in a debate and her sarcasm is something else. Did you know that Judge Judy makes more money than the entire U.S. Supreme Court?
•  •  •
At this very moment, I am viewing a 60-inch HD television. There was a commercial with very fine print (a legal thing) and I cannot read any of the fine print. Isn’t someone going to challenge this trick in court?
•  •  •
Now I am going to bore you with some information about California, and maybe in your future travels this will come in handy. If you are ever in the Palm Springs area I highly recommend that you ride on the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway. From the valley floor you drive up to the 2,600-foot level and get on the tram, which carries you up 6,000 feet in 10 minutes. My sister and I made the trip in January when the temperature at Palm Springs was in the 60s and at the top of the tramway we found 6 feet of snow and bitter cold. One passenger in his teens went up in a T-shirt and shorts. At the top there is a gift shop as well as a restaurant serving lunch, dinner and snacks. The view is spectacular, and they offer hiking in the summer and snowshoeing in the winter.
•  •  •
If you ever pass through Boron, Calif. around mealtime, you might want to stop at the 20 Mule Team Café a few blocks off of Hwy. 58. The décor is American eclectic (you must see it to believe it), the food is wholesome and the service is plentiful. Across the street is a parked F15 Fighter. In Cathedral City, Calif., there is an Italian restaurant called Nicolino’s on Date Palm Boulevard that served me the most tender Chicken Marsala that I have ever eaten. I wonder how they cook it?
•  •  •
In order to get to Southern California by automobile, you will end up, at some point, traveling through the central valley on I-5. This can be a harrowing experience because of the nature of California drivers. Several times, we saw a semi pull out to pass and block the fast lane for miles. It takes forever for them to get by. When you get up in the line you find that what they were passing was a fifth wheel or motor home doing 45. Sometimes they pass another semi that is doing 2 miles under the limit.
•  •  •
By the time you read this my wife and I will be back home in beautiful Coronado Shores.


As obit ideas go, this one is ultra-sound
[Posted Jan. 11, 2011]

Congratulations to Steve Wilson, owner of The Bay House in Lincoln City, for obtaining the contract to provide food services at the Oregon Coast Aquarium in Newport. I believe that there will be a Hawaiian theme to the restaurant. I can’t wait to see if they feature Loco Moko for breakfast.
•  •  •
The world of automobile marketing is becoming a blur. So many cars look alike that it is difficult to distinguish one from another. For years elderly women would insist on big cars to impress their neighbors, like the Cadillacs, Lincolns, large Fords or Mercury models, or the slightly smaller Buicks. The designers of today have spent their time imitating each other and making everything look like a Lexus or Camry. I even saw an ad the other day for a Buick, featuring two 20 year olds in the front seat. I don’t think I have ever seen a Buick driven by anyone younger than 65. I think that the newly retired couple will have a lot of trouble picking out an especially impressive car.
•  •  •
During the past few years we have experimented with diets. I can say that I have finally found a soy product that I can endorse. It is McCormick’s Bac’n Pieces, which I pour on salads. It is notable that I am actually eating a salad, because I don’t usually.
•  •  •
It shall be noted that cheerleader Bunny X. Winslow of Texas shook her pom-poms continuously for 3 days, 12 hours and 6 minutes, thereby getting a mention in the Guinness Book of Records, or not.
•  •  •
My son-in-law Lance has a wry sense of humor. He told us that he has seen many obituaries with photos taken of the deceased many years before. He has decided that upon his demise, he would like his obituary to include his pre-birth ultrasound.
•  •  •
Another food item. I truly enjoy variety in my life and especially when eating. The ultimate variety purveyor in Lincoln City is the buffet at Chinook Winds Casino Resort. Where else can you mix foods of many cultures on your plate and then go crazy at the dessert bar? I would list the contents of my last plate, but it might upset you.
•  •  •
I see many current singing groups and singles on TV with the latest music and I can say that this music is utterly forgettable.
•  •  •
My wife and I recently bought a spiral-cut ham, primarily because it seems to be the only kind available in the store. We brought home a half ham, and according to the instructions we were supposed to heat it face down, covered tightly, at a low temperature. We did not know that during the heating process, the spiral cuts become disassociated from one another. This results in a product that is as easy to get out of the pan as trying to lift three octopi with chopsticks.
•  •  •
It is time to discuss the topic of desserts. As my wife and I advance in age, the prospect of having dessert after a delicious meal has generally lost its luster. But the list on the blackboard at Tidal Rives, and the beautiful dessert trays at The Bay House, Fathoms at the Inn at Spanish Head, and the Surfrider, all call out to our inner persons, saying “oh, go ahead.” These days the great compromise is to share a dessert. This takes diplomacy and tact, to discover which dessert will satisfy both. I would welcome a little input from the restaurant owners of the Oregon Coast, as to the proportion of their desserts that are shared versus those that are consumed solo. My e-mail address is found under my picture.
•  •  •
On a recent trip to the Lovin’ Spoonful restaurant in Lincoln City, one of the owners asked if I had ever encountered Manhattan-style chowder on the West Coast. I replied in the negative. As it turns out, they had made a batch that day and a further inquiry told me that it sold out. There are always new things on the Oregon Coast.


Even the 'turducken' is bigger in Texas
[Posted Dec. 28, 2010]

I found a bingo coupon for a coastal casino. Here is what it said. “This bingo coupon good for one free Level 1 session packet (with buy in).” Could someone please tell me what this means? I understand that at some casinos you can pay for the use of a machine that plays for you. I believe that soon you will be able to send in your money and ask them to send you your winnings, if there are any. I found that if you sign up for a casino club membership you get a logo cup and more e-mail than you need.
•  •  •
One of my goals in life is to be a sportswriter for the Oregonian, covering the Portland Trail Blazers. If I got hired I would be the 37th writer covering that team. To my knowledge at least five of the writers actually attend the games and the remainder dig in the computer for statistics. The fact that the Blazers won the championship in 1977 keeps three or more writers busy 24/7. We won’t even talk about photographers; their numbers are so huge they probably have their own union. I was flabbergasted when the Civil War Game actually pushed the Blazers off the front page of the sports section.
•  •  •
As you drive along the Oregon and Washington coasts you find a number of Mazatlan restaurants. I personally have eaten in five of them and have enjoyed the food immensely. I understand that all of the restaurants are owned by members of the same (very extended) family. Enchiladas are my favorite.
•  •  •
Here is your problem. You have 15 friends at your home for the holidays and you don’t want to cook. Here is the solution. Call the Italian Riviera restaurant in Lincoln Beach and make a reservation. When you arrive tables are set and Valerie and her staff bring forth drinks, soup, salad, entrees and desserts without a hitch. You ask how I know this? I would say that my friends and I had this experience recently and, by the way, we were serenaded by Ric DiBlasi. Everyone raved about the food and the congenial atmosphere.
•  •  •
Many people who are in the know are pooling their money in order to send a rocket into space. This spacecraft will travel to all the planets to see if there are any Trader Joe’s markets. Only then will these investors feel that space colonization is even feasible. If Salem, Ore., is next in line, can Mercury be far behind?
•  •  •
The holiday season brings a new item to our grocery shelves: Turducken, a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, all roasted together. It has come to my attention that in Texas the menu is a little different. They stuff an armadillo into a hog and place it into a steer carcass and roast it all on a spit over a mesquite fire. Before they start stuffing they pour a quart of hot sauce into the armadillo. Try it in your backyard. You can get the armadillo at Armadillos-R-Us.com.
•  •  •
Do you remember when everyone said that sports taught good sportsmanship and were a positive force in the school? Recently, in the news, I saw a high school athlete hitting a referee because the ref had called a foul. Then there was the NFL coach who tripped an opposing runner on the sidelines. I might remind you that some Little League parents are demons, who drive good-hearted volunteers out of sports. One Heisman trophy winner cheated in his school work and went to court for burglary, then his father supposedly tried to sell him to the highest bidder. You don’t want your children to hear some of the language used in sports. Well-paid professional sports figures, when hauled into court, are given a reprimand. I really don’t think that you can support the theory that sports develop sportsmanship. Be sure and buy your child a Cam Newton sweatshirt and start him on the road to mediocrity.


Eschew the peanut, with this cashew glue

[Posted Dec. 15, 2010]

Attention: There is a new restaurant in Lincoln City. I can’t remember if it is Lovin’ Spoonful or Loving Spoonful. Whichever, it is a very nice place. The prices are moderate and the food is well prepared. The décor consists of many record jackets, and since I am really old I couldn’t place them in one category. They are open at 6 a.m. and serve breakfast and lunch until 3 p.m., and have applied for a liquor license. I wish Paul and all success in their endeavor. The restaurant is located in the Nelscott area of Lincoln City on SW 35th and Hwy. 101, in a building that was formerly the Avanti Italian Restaurant. I have written in the past about the great bacon at Salishan. Well, Lovin’ Spoonful has equal quality.
•  •  •
I had passed the restaurant inside the Rogue Brewery in Newport’s South Beach many times, but never when I was hungry. My wife and our friends decided, one Sunday evening, to get a close-up view and partake of their food. It was dark when we arrived in the area and we were slightly disoriented, but with the help of a local fisherman we found the big, red, silo-like structure that serves as the entrance. It seems that a sign obstructs the entrance, but you merely walk around it to enter a hallway, which leads into the cavernous brewery with tanks three stories high. You are guided by ropes and signs to a gift shop, and then to two dining areas, one up, one down. Both areas overlook the marina. The menu is extensive, featuring Kobe beef, Rogue Ales and Rogue Valley cheeses. All of our meals were excellent and the prices were moderate. One problem faced us, the downstairs dining room was closed and the upstairs is not truly accessible for handicapped persons. Call ahead about the downstairs room.
•  •  •
I foresee, in the not-too-distant future, that health insurance costs are going to rise when all of the people who are currently tattooed decide that tattooing is not cool and want laser surgery to remove the evidence. This might be considered elective surgery.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Innovations wishes to announce a new product, now in the final stages of development: the Cashew Magnet. This device will be a boon to those who enjoy mixed nuts, but favor cashews. The next time you are at a party, and the mixed nuts are passed your way, just conceal the Cashew Magnet into your palm. As your hand passes over the bowl, the cashews will jump into your hand! You will find this item advertised shortly, at the opening price of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling). This will be a great gift, so buy a few.
•  •  •
It was 8:30 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning, and I was poised to place a telephone call. At 9 a.m., I was going to call KBCH/KNPT at 541-994-2181 and tell the listeners of the Oregon Coast TODAY radio program my family’s plans for Thanksgiving. All of a sudden, the phone rang. The voice on the other line said, “This is Aunt Norma’s favorite nephew from California.” He said that he had driven 15 hours from his home. I said, “Where are you?” He said Depoe Bay, and how did he get to our house? We had not seen cousin Chris for about five years, and didn’t expect him at all. My wife sprang into action and guess what? I forgot completely about the radio program. Just so you are not left hanging about our Thanksgiving plans, suffice it to say that Chris, our daughter Barbara, her husband Lance, and Norma enjoyed a great dinner at the Adobe Resort in Yachats. They probably serve about 500 people and this was our second year. Try it next year. It’s a great deal with a wonderful view.
•  •  •
During the Thanksgiving season, one of the networks ran a good deal of promotion about a TV show called “Punkin Chunkin.” In it, people tried to see who could hurl a pumpkin the farthest. They had huge cannons, and catapults. As I watched the ads, I got an idea. Why not have a similar program, but change the propelled objects from pumpkins to Harley-Davidson motorcycles? Can’t you visualize a Harley flying through space and then crumbing in a mass of wreckage? I think it would be a hit program.

Pining for the ponies
[Published Dec. 1, 2010]

I wrote recently that the restaurant known as Shirley’s at the Beach, just south of the D River in Lincoln City, sported white tablecloths. Well, on my next visit I found that the tablecloths had been switched to a dramatic black. So, when you go to Shirley’s, be prepared — and by the way, the homemade jam is marionberry.
•  •  •
The recent Nelscott Reef Big Wave Classic, the surfing contest held off the coast near Nelscott, may be exciting — but it’s difficult for on-shore audiences to view. It reminded me of an event that occurred annually on the beaches of Lincoln City about 30 years ago.
The Driftwood Derby was a horse race from Roads End to Mo’s Dock, and back to Roads End. At the time, we lived on the oceanfront in Nelscott, and could watch it from our deck. About 30 horses raced, sort of. They would gallop, trot, canter and plod along in batches, and there might be a gap of three or four minutes between them. It was the only horse race in the history of the world that no one could bet on. The Driftwood Derby came to an end when the chamber of commerce’s insurance company refused to cover it, unless the chamber strung a rope from Roads End to Mo’s, to separate the people on the beaches from the horses in the race. This turned out to be impossible, and the race evaporated.
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix Innovation Company wishes to announce its latest product. It’s a kit to build a 50-foot motor home in your garage for only $19.95 and if you are one of the first 1,000 people to call in we will give you two kits. Included with your kit is a catalogue of accessories. Some of these items include tires, a steering wheel, a motor, beds, cupboards and bumpers, all at a slight additional cost. Shipping and handling are not included in the price and are currently estimated to be $5,000. Call in now!
•  •  •
It has come to our attention that the southern states, as led by Mississippi, have the honor of being the most obese. There is a logical reason for this statistic. If you watch college and NFL football, you see gigantic offensive and defensive linemen. They have to be developed somewhere and the south has taken up the challenge. It is common practice to take young Bubba to the local fast food store and let him gorge himself, in hopes he will get a scholarship at a prestigious university and then go on to land a contract in the NFL. I guess obese young girls are just along for the ride.
•  •  •
Young children are often taught — by their mothers — that a person should separate white clothes from colored clothes when doing the laundry. I have found that after you have washed a colored item each week for two years that the possibility of coloring the white clothes becomes very remote. I have been mixing colored and white clothes for years with no deleterious effects and I have saved an untold amount of soap and water. This is a word to the wise.
•  •  •
I was amazed recently when Andy Rooney took the time, on his “60 Minutes” segment, to plug the movie “Secretariat.” My wife and I saw that movie and I can understand why Andy spoke as he did. This is a great, heart-warming story and Diane Lane is exceptional. We recommend it.
•  •  •
As of this writing, the price of gold was hovering around $1,400 per ounce. This might stimulate persons to go out into the Oregon wilderness and search for this metal. I would offer you a word of warning. There are many people in the state that are out in the woods growing pot. They frown upon people who invade their territory and plan all sorts of traps for them. They are also well armed. Watch out when you are panning.
•  •  •
It is a well-known fact that legislatures will never pass a law regulating the noise that motorcycles, ATVs, powerboats and other men’s playthings make. If they made such a law, those industries would cease to be. Big men’s toys are designed to make a lot of noise, so that their owners can show off to their girlfriends and their peers. Of course when I was a teenager I had a ’36 Ford with a straight-through muffler. I outgrew the urge.


Rock walls have columnist at the end of his rope
[Posted Nov. 17, 2010]

Let us take a moment to discuss rock-climbing walls. I feel that the participants are wimps. What’s with the safety ropes? If you fall, you fall. What would you land on? Would you land on big pillows? Or, as I might suggest, on a bed of nails or spikes on the floor? Now, that is a great incentive to climb up and down without incident. This reminds me of those people who go out in the woods and string up ropes between trees and then walk along the rope with all kinds of safety ropes strapped to their bodies. Then when they get to the end everybody cheers. Big deal!
•  •  •
When you watch football games you notice that the names and numbers of famous players are displayed on the walls. I wonder if the University of Alabama has retired Forrest Gump’s number? While we are talking about college football, I might note that the University of Notre Dame is the only major school whose team is invited to play in post-season games with a regular season record of 1 win and 10 losses. They have a big following.
•  •  •
While watching a recent NFL football game, I heard them announce that the game was being shown to our armed forces in 177 countries and ships at sea. Could someone please tell me why we have military in 177 countries? No wonder we are in debt. I wonder how much the contractors are overcharging us to feed and supply these troops?
•  •  •
It is time for a change of pace in the column and I would like to say a word about one of my favorite restaurants in Newport. I refer to Newport Steak and Seafood, which is just north of the bridge. My favorite breakfast is the one featuring sausage patties and home fries (I don’t like shredded potatoes). The décor features some interesting nautical items. There is a bar full of good ol’ boys.
•  •  •
I love pictures of beautiful white sand beaches with blue-green water. You know, the kind you see in Corona Beer commercials. However, I have a pet peeve. They never identify the location of the beach. I think that there should be a federal law requiring that they specify the location during the commercial. The ad agency should be penalized, by being required to send my wife and I to this beach for at least a week.
•  •  •
Dear Sandy Phoenix;
I have a slight problem with my finances. I have $50,000 in student loans, a $150,000 mortgage on a beach condo, I owe $35,000 on my Mercedes, and I only have my job making fries at a drive-in, which pays the minimum wage. Creditors are calling every day. I’ve given over $5,000 to companies that told me they would solve my financial problems. Mr. Sandy Phoenix, what should I do?
Signed,
Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,
My advice is, join a monastery.
•  •  •
There are many charities that do great work and there are many foundations that give money to charities. I find that charities need money for the everyday operations of the charity, such as wages. The problem is, the foundations only want to fund nuts and bolts, such as tables, chairs, office machines, etc. They can thereby see the results of their giving. This donation season, consider giving for the intangibles: they are needed, too.
•  •  •
I have discovered a secret about the preparation of bacon, courtesy of The Sun Room, at Salishan Spa & Golf Resort in Gleneden Beach. The bacon there has always overawed me. It seems to be crusty on the outside and soft in the middle, a quality that I have never experienced anywhere else. In a conversation with the manager I found that not only is the bacon special, but it’s prepared with special method. It is baked in an oven and during the roasting, it is covered with parchment paper. I highly recommend that you try this delight.
•  •  •
At the time of this writing the election had just taken place. This has been the same as hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. It feels so good when you stop.



Once more, into the breach
[Posted Nov. 4, 2010]

Every other week, this space is filled by Matt Love with his interesting columns dealing with the bounty of Oregon’s beaches. I would like to relate a story that occurred some years ago and deals with the ocean and a strange happening. My family had a good friend named Gary, who lived in Portland. At that time, we lived in an oceanfront home in Lincoln City.
One day, Gary’s wife called with bad news. After having heart trouble for years, Gary had passed away in his sleep the previous evening. The following afternoon, as I was looking out at the ocean, I saw a whale breach about 200 yards offshore. I had seen whales breach before, but always out on the horizon. Exactly one year after Gary’s death, his wife called again, to share the anniversary. After we talked, I put down the phone and looked out the window – and saw a whale breach in the same spot. It was at that moment that I changed my attitude about such strange happenings, and felt that Gary was checking on us.
•  •  •
I’d like to take a few moments to discuss some Northwest restaurants I’ve visited recently. The Deschutes Crossing Restaurant, just east of Warm Springs on Hwy. 26, has great huckleberry pancakes with excellent syrup, which you can enjoy while watching the Deschutes River go rolling by. We also had a number of meals during our stay at Kahneeta Resort on the Warm Springs reservation. Good food and a very superior wait staff. The Rusty Tractor restaurant in Elma, Wash., has a menu that suits me just fine. I love the No. 8 Breakfast. I guess that you will have to go and find out for yourself. One of our favorite breakfast restaurants is the Shilo Inn, in Tillamook. They always have copies of Oregon Coast TODAY near the cashier.
•  •  •
Have you met Bubba? Bubba can drink three quarts of Tabasco hot sauce in 15 minutes. He beat all the other kids in the eighth grade. Later, when he tried to enlist in the Army, they gave him an MRI and found he had lost all his internal organs. He ate a bushel of Buffalo wings in 10 minutes. When his Guinness World Record is posted, it will be added to his tombstone.
•  •  •
Have you ever heard of the Hawthorne Effect? This name came from a study conducted from 1924-1932 at the Western Electric plant near Chicago. Scientists were studying the effect of changes in the environment on workers’ productivity. First they increased the lighting in the plant and production went up. Then they increased it again, and production went up again. Then they lowered the lighting, and the production increased even more! What had happened? The team of researchers determined that when the workers believed that someone showed an interest in what they were doing (the scientists), they responded by working harder. Maybe someone should put some extra lights in the state legislature?
•  •  •
I would like to nominate the Beach Dog Cafe as the most accommodating eating establishment in the whole state of Oregon. Sonia and her husband (the genial chef) will create any combination of food items for you and smile all the time. Would you believe that I requested and got a one-half slice of toast? I should mention that their whole wheat bread comes in very large slices. I have always received only the best at this establishment, and the nine million dog pictures, on every available surface, only distract me a little from my crossword puzzle.
•  •  •
Shirley is back at what once was called Sip-N-Sand, in Lincoln City. Now, it is called Shirley’s At the Beach. My wife and I have known Shirley for 33 years and about five restaurants. The only one we haven’t been to is the one in Troutdale. The food is always well prepared and the portions are large. White tablecloths, flowers on every table and homemade items such as strawberry jam and Italian sausage, make her establishments special.
If you like tractors, this'll make you beam
[Posted Oct. 6, 2010]

After years of eating in restaurants, I have deduced the following information. When you eat in a very expensive restaurant you will find that the food is found in a small pile in the center of the plate and all around the remainder of the plate the chef has squirted a small stream of his very, very, very special sauce. Now, here is the problem. If you try to scoop up some of this wonderful sauce, most of it sticks to the plate and you barely get a taste. Here is a possible solution: Ask your waiter to request that the chef place all of the sauce in one little puddle on your plate (you know, like you do with ketchup) so that you can truly savor his/her masterpiece. What are the odds that this idea will work?
•  •  •
Today everything is covered with ads. They clutter up signs on the street, float everywhere on the Internet and, most famously, cover the bodies of NASCAR vehicles. I propose that we search out the homes of the ad executives and paste signs wall to wall on every inch of their homes. Their neighbors will love this.
•  •  •
When I was in grade school I lived about one mile from the Minnesota State Fair grounds. One of the most interesting areas of the fair was called Machinery Hill, where every piece of farm equipment was on display. Now, here is a challenge for you. Can you name 10 companies that have built tractors down through the years? For your greater edification I will list some at the end of this column.
•  •  •
In my neighborhood the outstanding art galley is the Lawrence Gallery at the Marketplace at Salishan. My wife and I have many possessions, including furniture, paintings, sculptures, and ceramics, that we have purchased from this gallery over the years. Kevin McGrath, the gallery manager, has four and a half years of experience and can give you the background of the various pieces. The selection at Lawrence Galley is extensive, varied and constantly changing.
•  •  •
Did you know that the native tribes in what is now the Southwestern United States knew how to control their environment? Their cliff dwellings are ingenious in their placement. They are facing the south and under an overhanging cliff that shelters them from the high summer sun but allows the lower winter sun to warm the dwelling. Very smart environmentalists.
•  •  •
Recently, my wife and I had the opportunity to have lunch at the Applebee’s in Salem. We had not been to one of this chain’s restaurants in sometime. A young lady met us at the door, held it open for us and welcomed us inside. The menu is extensive. Looking around, we felt that this was a popular lunch venue for local workers. I enjoyed baby back ribs and my wife had an enormous salad. We will be sure and return the next time that we drive to Salem/Keizer. The last time, we left most of our money at Michael’s craft store.
•  •  •
Guess who won the big raffle prize at the Cascade Head Music festival opera concert? You guessed it. It was my wife. The prize consisted of round trip airfare from Newport to Portland on Sea Port Airlines, two tickets to the Portland Opera’s “Turandot,” and a room at the Mark Spencer Hotel. I am really excited to be flying on Sea Port Airlines and to see the Coast Range from above. Remember, no security checks.
•  •  •
A longtime friend, Norma McMaster, mentioned that the threesome of doctors, pharmacies, and insurance companies have conspired to limit the amount of medications that a person can purchase at one time. Usually it is a month’s worth, or possibly two months. Norma made the point that if a disaster occurred, we would be out of luck with our meager supplies. A tsunami, huge storm or earthquake would place us in an untenable position. I take a number of medications, and getting the doctor and the pharmacy to increase the number is quite difficult.
•  •  •
A few companies that have manufactured tractors over the years. Case, Farmall, John Deere, Ford, Fordson, Minneapolis Moline, Massey Harris, McCormick Deering, International, Massey Ferguson, Allis Chalmers, Caterpillar, Oliver. How many did you get?


Gone is my co-pilot
[Posted Oct. 7, 2010]

My four-year-old niece, Sofia, who lives in Evanston, Ill., has been learning foreign phrases. She learned German for “good day,” which is “guten tag”; however, her rendition comes out “guten taco.”
• • •
Recently I saw a list of 10 things you should do on a vacation. One of the items was to bring a book to read. I always do this, but before I start reading it I look in the motel room drawers for literature. Best Western motels always have a loose-leaf binder holding all sorts of information about the motel and additional ads for local restaurants and businesses. They usually include a map showing the locations of the various businesses. Of course, the main item of interest for me is what time breakfast is served. Most motels have at least one hot item for breakfast, usually waffles. Embassy Suites goes all out for breakfast, but the atriums are very noisy.
• • •
Let’s talk about taxis. Lincoln City seems to add to the fleet every day. The latest edition is Angel Cab, driven by Lynn Wolff. I notice that cabs have expanded their realms and have included delivering items to shut-ins. Drugs, pizzas, etc. Now remember that you have to arrange payment in advance with the vendor. I doubt that the taxi driver is going to float you a loan.
• • •
For the beginning of the NFL season, Toyota has produced a new truck ad that shows a truck driving up a spiral incline, surrounded by flames that heat up to 234 degrees. The truck is pulling a big load of heavy stuff. Now, here is my question for you. I will welcome any answers you might have. How do they get the truck and the load down? Do they push it off the edge and chalk it up to experience? Helicopter? What is your idea?
• • •
Wow! Someone at JetBlue Airways has suggested that commercial flights don’t need co-pilots. The railroads have divested themselves of firemen (because of diesel engines) and have developed the “dead man pedal.” If the engineer dies, his foot stops pushing on the pedal and the train slows to a stop (I refer you to the movie “Silver Streak”). Now, let us imagine the airplane with only one pilot, and that pilot suffers a heart attack. His foot slips from the pedal and the airplane slows to a stop 35,000 feet in the air. I visualize a problem.
• • •
There are a multitude of wine experts, who will tell you at length about vintages. I believe that it is time to create a column devoted to cocoa. I refer to the type that comes premixed, made by companies like Nestle, or the grocery store generic. First of all, let us examine Nestle’s. I found the subtle aroma of sugar, lots of sugar. The cocoa whispered to me: jungle, jungle, jungle. Now, for the Western Family entry. It had hints of radish, avocado, and an overwhelming bouquet. Both cried out for milk, lots of milk and the more fat the better. No longer will cocoa be spared the scrutiny of taste experts. Did I mention whipped cream?
• • •
I look at the TV schedule and I note what looks like a very promising program on OPB. I turn to that channel and am enjoying the program, possibly some historic music, when all of a sudden the people break in to announce the telethon. When I listen to these folks I am assured that if I do not call in immediately and donate money or buy a DVD for $120, civilization, as we know it, will cease. These commercial periods last about 30 minutes each, and could be listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most redundant commercials in the history of television. As expected, I turn the channel and go and hide in the corner while the world explodes.
• • •
Now I’ve seen everything. My wife and I were watching Paula Deen on the Food Network, and saw her make a hamburger that consisted of a burger, a fried egg and two strips of bacon. It was not in a bun, but (get a load of this) between two glazed doughnuts. They looked like Krispy Kremes to us. Paula commented to her guest, “We are going to be arrested.”
Now, thanks to Paul, we'll always have Paris
[Posted Sept. 20, 2010]

It is time to open old wounds, to go back in time and resurrect a great debate. I am referring to my absolute love of apple pie with sharp cheddar cheese. Now, before you go off half-cocked, I will relate the ground rules. First the pie must be warm or cold, not hot. Secondly the cheese should not be shredded, but be in slab form. No ice cream should be present. I aver that this combination, the sweet apple filling and the tartness of sharp cheddar, is to die for. When you order apple pie in a restaurant and the waitress brings it freshly microwaved with a scoop of melting vanilla ice cream, you should fall to the floor and shout “Oh my God, no!” This, after you gave explicit instructions concerning the cheese and pie combo. Shredded cheese can cause a person to lose his cool and clutch his teddy bear to his bosom, muttering incoherently.
•  •  •
In the history of radio we have had Lum and Abner, Amos and Andy, Jack Benny and Mary Livingston, and today we have Dave and Niki Price on KBCH AM 1400 and KNPT 1310 AM, at 9 a.m. on Thursdays. I defy you to stump them when it comes to the comings and goings on the central Oregon Coast. Twitter, Facebook and now radio. Where will it all end? Call in and ask them the first names of Nelson and Scott, inventors of the infamous Nelscott.
•  •  •
Labor Day has come and gone, so I can tell you that during the summer I enjoyed watching male tourists running around in shorts although the temperature was in the low 50s. Someone told them to wear shorts in the summer, no matter what the temperature might be. I know stores that make a lot of money selling sweatshirts to people who think that if it is 90 in Portland it will be 90 on the coast. Actually summer, with its north wind and fogs, is the coldest part of the year. I love fall.
•  •  •
The Oregon Coast TODAY is the only newspaper in the world that does not mention Paris Hilton. Oops!
•  •  •
For many years, there has been a character on the soap opera “All My Children” named Opal. Opal always looks like she has been dressed during an explosion in a Jo-Ann Fabrics and Crafts store. Recently, the show’s producers have had a problem dressing Opal in outlandish costumes because all the women in the world look and dress like Opal.
•  •  •
I noticed in the paper that in the recent awards given for music that some people walked away with eight or nine awards. I didn’t pay too much attention, but I am sure that those were given to the people able to hit high C, or perhaps D.
•  •  •
One of my favorite restaurants, just down the road, offers both great food and a spectacular view. During the summer I passed Tidal Raves in Depoe Bay a hundred times, and the parking lot was always full. They even made a movie there, “The Burning Plain” with Charlize Theron. I am always intrigued by the dessert menu, which is prominently displayed on the wall throughout your dinner. Should I take the next forkful or wait for dessert? What a dilemma.
•  •  •
Heading for Corvallis? Need a great breakfast? My wife and I, with the help of the checkout person at Trader Joe’s, have discovered a fine restaurant called The Broken Yolk Café on Third, near Monroe. This is definitely a student hangout, but the egg scrambles and the omelets are unbeatable. Don’t miss Grandma’s Strawberry Jam, which comes in a squeeze bottle that I almost mistook for ketchup. Did I mention the home fries? Well, they are little ¾ inch cubes of crusty goodness with soft insides and a hint of spices. There is free city parking in the back and a rear entrance.
•  •  •
The new Trader Joe’s, on Ninth Street in Corvallis, has wide aisles and plenty of room for all. They have foods that I never see anywhere else and the prices are always reasonable. It is worth the trip.



The “with-it” crowd keeps it bottled up
[Posted Sept. 8, 2010]

Thanks to Monsanto, ADM (Archer Daniels Midland) and Cargill, today’s tomatoes have a shelf life of three years. It is difficult to discern if they really are tomatoes because they are pink, rather than red, and some have a plastic vine attached to them to increase their cost. Genetically engineered means no flavor and little resemblance to the actual product. My advice is go to the farmers markets or to farms such as Barking Dog in Kernville. Bon appetit.
•  •  •
People have a way of showing the public that they are truly with IT. In years past this was done by having a cigarette in your fingers (some people still think that this is very chic). Today there are two ways to display the fact that you are a modern genius. The first is to carry a coffee drink in your hand and the second is to carry a bottle of water in your hand. Those in the know, however, are trending away from the plastic bottle of water, because all the bottles end up floating in a huge sludge of plastic waste in either the Atlantic or Pacific oceans. These areas are as big as the state of Texas. So if you are still parading around in your sweat clothes carrying a half-empty plastic bottle of water, wise up and get a thermos of tap. I just saw a young woman walking along with a coffee cup and a lit cigarette. I guess she is in transition.
•  •  •
Emily’s Restaurant at the Quinault Beach Resort and Casino in Ocean Shores, Wash., has great food and a wonderful view. The prices are reasonable, which allows you to spend a moment or two at the nearby slots or gaming tables. The rooms at the resort are generous and have great views of the ocean. The nearby Ocean Shores Golf Course is a well-maintained course with front and back nines that differ greatly. Very interesting.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Research Laboratories has just invented an aid to help people stop smoking. However, there is one small side effect that we have discovered. The user might have a tremendous urge to fly to North Carolina and plow up tobacco fields.
•  •  •
Do you know the difference between shopping and spending? I will clue you in. Women spend, men shop. When confronted with a need, a man will consider possible stores and then go to the stores, compare prices and quality, and make a purchase. On the other hand, a woman will fill her purse with money and credit cards and possibly will say to her husband that she is going shopping for a blouse. She will walk into the store and investigate every rack in the store. The odds that she will come home with nothing are less than zero. The odds that she will not come home with a blouse are 99 percent.
•  •  •
One of my favorite restaurants in Lincoln City is the Hilltop Inn. I watched the beginning of that landmark from across the parking lot many years ago. Owner Judy Lafreeda has one of the best staffs in town, courteous and knowledgeable. Her menu is well rounded with lots of attention to seniors and folks with needs (such as gluten-free). Drop in at 6 a.m. and meet the Good Ol’ Boys in the corner.
•  •  •
I have been impressed by the activities of the Kiwanis Club of Lincoln City and their devotion to children. They have a large truck that announces their interest in children and their officers and members have been very active. Give them a boost any time you can.
•  •  •
Having lived in the Lincoln City area for more than 33 years, I have seen many businesses come and go. The usual scenario calls for a store or restaurant to open with hours posted. Soon the owner finds that people don’t show up early and they decide to open two hours later. Customers that have seen the earlier hours show up and find a closed store and immediately write off that establishment. A case in point is a new restaurant that advertised it would be open at 7 a.m. A week later they opened at 8, a week later at 11 a.m. and now at 10 a.m. Very confusing. 


The mother of daughter gifts
[Posted Aug. 25, 2010]

Mothers, have you ever taken your daughters to high tea? A recent trip to SerendipiTea in Lincoln City gave my wife, granddaughter and myself a peek into a small dining area where two mothers and three daughters were having tea. The most prominent little girl, to our view, was about seven years of age. She had chosen a red brimmed hat and a pink boa from the selection offered by the tea house. Her Mary Janes were swinging about 6 inches off the floor. From the sounds in the dining area everyone was having a wonderful time. Mothers, it would behoove you to give your daughter this wonderful experience.
• • •
The Sandy Phoenix University’s Pismo School of Business Management will now give you an introduction to Economics as practiced in the United States. First, you had a group of unscrupulous mortgage bankers who decided to sell mortgages to anyone over the age of 12, with or without a job, who might be interested in buying a house. The bankers bundled these mortgages and sold them to pension funds and little communities all over the world. The bubble burst and the CEOs of other huge companies decided that since there was a deluge of publicity about the mortgage mess, no one would notice if they unloaded a majority of their workforce. The companies wouldn’t have to pay so much in health care costs or taxes, and their bottom line would look good to their stockholders. That strategy worked for a while, but now we have huge unemployment and people have stopped buying from these companies. Isn’t that ironic?
• • •
I recently heard a woman use a term that was new to me, but full of meaning. She said that she was a recovering vegetarian. I really liked that.
• • •
I enjoy golf because at my advanced age I can still play and have a great time. I also like golf because it is a pure sport. There are no illegal drugs and the golf pros are not being arrested for felonious acts. When you play, your fellow golfers obey the rules and are courteous to one another. The parents of young golfers do not stand on the sidelines swearing at officials, as they do in Little League, basketball and football. To reiterate, golf is a wonderful competitive sport where people of any ability can have fun and enjoy the outdoors. Sometimes it rains.
• • •
Just after I wrote an item about needing a place to get broasted chicken and jo-jos, my friend John Tinker discovered the Pirate’s Booty in Depoe Bay. Off we went to sample their wares. The chicken and spuds were up to the best standards and the innovative owner-chef has added dill to the jo-jo dipping sauce, a stroke of genius. Between bites you can look down and see the Depoe Bay harbor and the comings and goings of the charter boats. Pirate’s Booty is south of the bridge, if you get lost.
• • •
I love to watch the reruns of “Cheers” on WGN in the afternoon. As the cameras pan back and forth during the scene, we see the backs of people at the bar, no faces. Can you imagine auditioning for an acting job and listing among your credits that “My back was in ‘Cheers’”? Most of these people are lovely young women, but you never see their faces. Too bad.
• • •
I finally connected a spiral decravinator to my 1940 Crosley Superhetrodyne Radio and now I can receive Facebook and Twitter. After extensive research I declare that both of them are a tremendous waste of time.
 • • •
I read in a recent Consumer Reports that the QVC channel had settled with the government for $7.5 million for misrepresenting food supplements. Consumer Reports recommends that if you eat a well-rounded diet, you won’t need supplements. Please note that there are three different groups that judge products: Consumer Reports, Consumers Digest and JD Power. Only Consumer Reports is a non-profit organization that buys and tests products independently. The other two do not.

Trees: Ax ‘em for XM
[Posted July 28, 2010]

Candied bacon. Flexible chocolate. If Sir Francis Drake had known about these delicacies, he would still be anchored in Whale Cove (just south of Depoe Bay) and he would be dining nightly at Restaurant Beck at the Whale Cove Inn. My wife and I celebrated 50 years of marriage with a dinner at Restaurant Beck and discovered these unusual items along with a memorable dinner. Every aspect of the meal was perfect and Diane, our waitperson, was a gem. You can’t beat the view from Restaurant Beck and the dining area was much larger than I expected, and beautifully furnished. We will be going back soon.
• • •
This is an immediate request to the Oregon Department of Transportation. Please cut back all overhanging branches on Hwy. 101. It would seem that the XM radio system in our car relies on satellites and the overhanging branches cause the music to come and go. I would recommend that everything within 20 feet of the highway be cut. Please do this as soon as possible.
• • •
Let us discuss peach preserves. It would seem that they come in three forms. There is the variety that features big chunks of peaches. A second consists in peaches that have gone through the blender, so the product is more like jam, and a third is somewhere in between these two extremes. The third form is the ideal peach preserve. If you agree with me, I will let you in on a little secret. To be exact, this form of peach preserve is to be found at Smiley’s Red Barn in Hood River, Ore. It is number 7 on the Fruit Loop map that is available everywhere in the Hood River area. I recently received a shipment of six jars and have them stashed away in the cupboard to be placed liberally on toasted slices of Franz Western Hazelnut bread. I bet you are jealous. Come over some morning at 5 a.m. and I will give you a slice.
• • •
There are television channels that show foreign films, in two categories: with commercials, or without. Unfortunately, channels such as IFC like to put little ads at the bottom of the screen. If the film has subtitles the ads obliterate the subtitles and there goes the scene. These little ads that pop in and out are a pain in the neck. There are ad men on Madison Avenue who get paid big money to mess up the screen. They think it’s going to sell their product. Think again!
• • •
I am going to give you a peek at the future.
11 a.m. — The first showing of a commercial for Super Maximum Medicine, the wonder drug by Grandiose Drugs. Ask you doctor if Super Maximum Medicine is for you.
11:15 a.m. — The first showing of a commercial by Black, Black, White, Black and Pecan, attorneys, that says, “Call us if you have had any bad side effects from the use of Super Maximum Medicine. Call us immediately.”
• • •
Banks are being robbed, mini-marts are being robbed, and other small businesses, too. What is the one thread that runs through all of these crimes? I will tell you. All of the robbers wear hooded sweatshirts. Now here is my solution to the crimes. Make it a law that every hooded sweatshirt be marked on the front and back, using large numbers. There are always cameras photographing the robbery and the perpetrator. Secondly, fine any person wearing a hooded sweatshirt without a number. Of course, every store that sells hooded sweatshirts would have to record buyers’ names. This will be extra work, but think how happy bank tellers are going to be.
• • •
I have been derelict in writing about golf this summer. I will attempt to remedy this situation with a few notes. My son and I have found that the folks at Crestview Golf Club in Waldport have invested a lot of money and the results are outstanding. The course has been changed completely and is a pleasure to play. I have experienced some personal triumphs on that nine. There is a completely new clubhouse and a fine restaurant. I know I will be going back again and again. The Friday Morning League on my home course, Chinook Winds Casino & Golf Resort, finds the greens and fairways drying out, and playing much better. Someday, I might win some of my money back.

Editor’s note and correction: In the July 16, 2010, edition of the TODAY, we mistakenly amputated a Latin phrase from H. Paul Bruncke’s column. Amusing as this particular typo was, we feel it is necessary to re-print the paragraph, in its entirety:

I thoroughly enjoy the outlandish books written by Terry Pratchett. In quite a number of books, he talks about the wizards at Unseen University whose motto is “Nunc Id Vides Nunc Ne Vides,” which means “Now you see it, now you don’t.”


Sticks: Around for the State Fair
[Posted July 14, 2010]

The Sandy Phoenix will now explain to you how things work in Washington, D.C. A company has a disaster and the CEO is called before a committee to explain what happened. The Congressmen yell and scream at the CEO and say nasty things. Then they adjourn and go out and get in their Lexus cars that were paid for by the lobbyists for that company. Finally, you never hear another word from Washington.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Eat your heart out, George Will.
•  •  •
I grew up about one mile from the Minnesota State Fairgrounds. At the fair there were numberless diners, all sponsored by churches in the Twin Cities area. The food was homemade and very tasty, and the aromas were unforgettable Nowadays, this has all changed and the Minnesota State Fair is the food-on-a-stick capital of the world. I found a 2007 article by a food writer named Judy Walker who counted 57 different food-on-a-stick offerings!
The world has passed corn dogs and candied apples and moved on to pizza on a stick, hot dish on a stick (in Minnesota that means casserole), alligator sausage on a stick, fried fruit on a stick, frozen key lime pie on a stick, salmon on a stick, and fried pickles on a stick. New in 2007 were butterscotch cake on a stick, Coca-Cola cheesecake on a stick dipped in chocolate, rocky road scone on a stick, s’mores on a stick and Sloppy Joes on a stick. There was also stain remover on a stick. The article by Ms. Walker went at length into other items. I bet you are ready to buy an airline ticket and head for St. Paul this August.
•  •  •
I thoroughly enjoy the outlandish books written by Terry Pratchett. In quite a number of books he talks about the wizards at Unseen University whose motto is “Nunc Id Vides,” which means now you see it, now you don’t.
•  •  •
At the time of this writing the strawberries were rolling into the stores. They seem to be enormous. I would caution you that big does not mean better. I’ve found the large berries to be far from red and juicy as I remember, but white inside and what I would call woody. I think the local berries are better.
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix Research Laboratory is working feverishly on a new product. We are trying to combine today’s magic words in a single product, therefore we are seeking something organic, moisturizing, fat free, green, lite, with sea salt, hybrid, and is an antioxidant. When we arrive at this product we will automatically become billionaires. Look for us on the website called ponziscamstoinvestin.com
•  •  •
The winner of the “Name Our Prius Navigation System Voice” contest is Laura Pigott, who submitted the name Francesca (fran Chess ka). Sounds sultry and Italian. What a combination.
•  •  •
Libby A. Durbin sent an e-mail noting wild turkeys she had seen across the country. Even in Mississippi.
•  •  •
Going to Pacific City for Dory Days? Are you going to be there for breakfast or lunch? When you are at THE stoplight proceed a few blocks north and you will find The Grateful Bread, featuring wonderful baked goods and great meals. Nearby is the Riverhouse where a handicapped person can ride the wee elevator to dine on excellent food with a great view of the river. Los Caporales, at the stoplight, serves fine food with an ambience dominated by drawings by young customers.
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix Electronic Company is almost ready to unveil an item meant for the professional athlete. This is a small device that plays back prerecorded sayings that will allow the athlete to be interviewed without saying anything. Do you remember in “Bull Durham,” when the character Crash Davis tells Ebby Calvin LaLoosh what to say to reporters? This device would be loaded with these simple statements. Remember you always give 105% and you just hope that you can help the team. While we are on the subject have you ever heard Michael Jordan say anything in a Hanes ad?

Flaky ideas about the Earth’s crust
[Posted June 30, 2010]

My wife, my sister and I spent a couple of days at a wonderful resort on Sequim Bay in the state of Washington. The name is Sunset Marine Resort and the cabin that we stayed in was about 12 feet away from beautiful Sequim Bay. The resort consists of six buildings, each with its own ambience, usually nautical. Wildlife abounds and the owners are very helpful. You might like to know that there is a casino about 4 miles away. Check it out on Google.
•  •  •
I read that Oregon Coast TODAY is on something called Twitter and something called Facebook. I tried to find these on my 1940 Crosley radio but came up empty. Maybe someone can help me find these mystical entities.
•  •  •
Here are a few quotes.
“Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.” — Fletcher Knebel
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Foxx
“The most dangerous food is wedding cake.” — American Proverb
•  •  •
I read some comments by Paul B. Farrell, a leading writer in the field of economics, who said that people who buy and sell stocks are predictably stupid losers, or what Las Vegas croupiers call a mark: a dumb gambler, a person who can be conned out of his money.  When you listen to Jim Cramer on CNBC and hear the callers who seem to be young men in their 20s or 30s asking about a stock, you can tell that these are people who owe big time on their Mustang and have a pile of credit card debt and have lost thousands in the market and are looking to make a killing. Well, the killing already happened and the money is sitting in a vault on Wall Street. Better luck next time.
•  •  •
I love to watch foreign films, especially on the Sundance Channel. I have discovered a group of actresses who intrigue me. My wife doesn’t mind this hobby because she feels at my age, I’m harmless. Some of these names might be new to you and some very familiar. I enjoyed Sidse Babett Knudsen in “After the Wedding,” a Danish film, and Luciana Pedraza of Argentina in “Assassination Tango.” I have seen Laura Morante, who was born in Italy, in three French films. Of course there are the famous European actresses including Juliet Binoche, Catherine Deneuve and Sophia Loren. I enjoy TV a lot.
•  •  •
I have a few questions to ask you. What happens in the space left in the earth’s crust where the oil used to be? Is it just empty? Does water surge into the space, and where does the water come from? Does magma fill in the space and lastly, why are there so many earthquakes? I’d like to hear your ideas.
•  •  •
Word on the street says that Hollywood is planning to remake “Heidi.” It is rumored that there will be a scene in which terrorists blow up the alpine chalet moments after Heidi leaves it to go and milk the cow. The scene calls for the ignition of 20,000 gallons of gasoline, making a huge fireball that echoes through the mountains. I can’t reveal the names of the actresses under consideration for the title role although most have had experience pole dancing.
•  •  •
There have been a number of TV shows concerning people who chase tornados for research purposes. I have recently been given a copy of one of the highly technical reports that was produced by one of these teams and I would like to share it with you.
REPORT OF TEAM 17 CONCERNING TORNADOES IN OKLAHOMA
1. There were very high winds.
2. Buildings were destroyed.
3. Crops were damaged.
4. Bill for research: $10,000
End of report.
•  •  •
If you are traveling near Sequim or Kingston, Wash., and it is breakfast or lunchtime, I highly recommend that you search out the Oak Table Cafe. They advertise hand-crafted breakfasts and gourmet food. We went back two days in a row for their breakfasts, which were very creative and delicious. I really enjoyed Eggs “Benny.”

Jaywalkers make Paul cross
[Posted June 16, 2010]

Recently the Texas School Board decided to rewrite United States history. They felt that current texts were too liberal. I would present the following for consideration by the Oregon School Board.
There are 49 states and one vast wasteland in the mid-southern United States. It is referred to as Texas. Texas is populated by a strange group of people who wear big hats. Most Texans ride horses but some have giant pickup trucks with at least five rifles in the back window. All Texans wear gun belts complete with pistols. Their diet consists of hot sauce sprinkled on tortillas. At least one Texan escaped and became President of the United States. Almost all Texans are sheriffs or deputies, except for a few judges. They have a simple religion and worship a god named Enron.
• • •
Have you ever heard of pitazza? The educational department of the Sandy Phoenix is here to fill this void in your knowledge. Take the words pita (as in bread) and pizza and, lo and behold, you have pitazza. Now I will further your education by explaining where you can find a delicious food with this name. The answer is B.K. Mulligan’s in Lincoln City. This sports bar and restaurant stands in the spot that was occupied for years by Catch-the–Wind Kites. There are a number of pitazzas on the menu and this reporter found the pepperoni, mushroom and black olive to be extremely tasty. If sports are your thing, this is the place to go, since it has all sorts of games of skill and a plethora of TV sets tuned to all of the current sports venues. This reporter also likes the chicken strips. Someday I’ll tell you about chicken pot pie soup.
• • •
Here is a problem that confronted me recently. Near Sambo’s restaurant in Lincoln City is a brand new crosswalk that cost tens of thousands of dollars. As I was driving along I saw a man standing in the crosswalk about a foot from my lane and he was hitchhiking. He was the world’s grubbiest man. Now, here is the problem: do you have to stop for someone standing near a crosswalk, if that person is hitchhiking? This crosswalk presented a problem once before, when I observed two young women pushing a stroller across the street about 50 feet outside the lines, dodging traffic. This is on a par with the new crosswalks in Depoe Bay, which are regularly ignored by tourists heading for the seawall. How about a sting for jaywalkers?
• • •
You have heard of a biathlon in which participants ski and shoot and triathlons in which participants run, ride bicycles and swim. I will now introduce you to the monoathlon, in which the participant tries to get out of a La-Z-Boy chair multiple times. I have been practicing for this competition and my best rate is four, once for each meal and to go to bed.
• • •
My wife and I are regular patrons of the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland. This year we had the great experience of seeing two tremendous plays, “Well,” and “She Loves Me.” The former was produced in the New Theatre and the latter in the Angus Bowmer. The acting is first rate and the scenic design is out of this world. We usually get tickets when the brochure arrives in the mail. The wise person gets his tickets early.
• • •
Wanted: investors for the newest venture of the Sandy Phoenix. We propose to develop the latest version of the Vespa Motorscooter with a Dodge Viper engine. The Viper engine develops about 600 horsepower and should be adequate for our needs. Our early research shows that hanging on will be the biggest problem. We are planning on a test run at the Bonneville Salt Flats when financing becomes established. We are hoping to sell some to the Japanese railway system to drive ahead of the Bullet Train and check the crossings.
• • •
The navigation system on our new car, the lady with the seductive voice, is operating without a name. The leaders in the competition for a name are Jan Harbert with “Lady Godiva” and Laura Pigott with “Francesca” (that’s fran-chess ka). The competition is still open.


Of Wild Turkey in the Burnt Woods
Posted June 2, 2010

My wife and I were driving along the Umpqua River when we were passed by a small SUV with the following license plate: MCLIMO.
• • •
I was watching a rerun of “Cheers” and I heard Coach say, “I slept like a baby last night, but all night long I dreamt that I had insomnia.”
• • •
Have you ever had Sicilian Vanilla ice cream? I can correct that deficiency for you by telling you where to find this delicacy. About 60 feet away from the entrance to the Angus Bowmer Theatre at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland is Martino’s restaurant. This is a wonderful, convenient Italian spot. It was here that I first tasted Sicilian Vanilla ice cream, which consists of walnuts (lots), nutmeg and cinnamon in a creamy dessert. The entrees have to be carried upstairs from the Macaroni restaurant downstairs because the dumbwaiter is broken.
• • •
While we are on the subject of food, let me remind you of an excellent bakery and café in Elkton, between I-5 and Reedsport on the Umpqua River. We made our second visit to Tomaselli’s Pastry Mill and Café for lunch. Sticky buns, strawberry-rhubarb pies, cinnamon sticks, and multi-grain bread for starters. Our love of this café and bakery is shared by Joe and Carmin Shanks, from the neighborhood.
• • •
When you are watching PGA golf tournaments on TV, listen for the voice that calls out “It’s in the hole” each time the golfer strikes the ball. You might think that it’s the voice of someone in the audience, but you would be wrong. This message comes from a robot activated by the sound of the club striking the ball. No person is stupid enough to keep shouting this message (from the movie “Caddyshack”). But if it is a real person, I would imagine that they have a TV recorder at home, and that they go home and listen to themselves by the hour. I find that these persons are obnoxious.
• • •
Today on our nationally-televised talk show, our guest is Mr. Jim Smith from the local zoo. He has brought us a variety of snakes. Everyone in our audience is going home with a gift. WILD CHEERING.
The gift is going to be a pet cobra.
WILD CHEERING.
Unfortunately we had to buy the cobras in bulk and each member of the studio audience has to reach in the bag and grab a cobra.
SOME CHEERING
Don’t worry. We’re insured.
• • •
Many years ago Samuel Johnson said, “Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.” I would like to offer a similar adage, to wit, “I am going to lower your taxes if elected” is the last refuge of a liar.
• • •
My wife and I saw two wild turkeys next to the highway near Burnt Woods, Ore. This was only the second time that I have seen turkeys in the wild. The other time was near Whitefish, Mont.
• • •
I now offer the latest in diets. That would be the Tiramisu Diet. If you have ever sampled this wonderful dessert, you know how light and airy it is. This bodes well for making your body light and airy. The ladyfingers dipped in espresso, the zabaglione with marsala and the mascarpone add up to a delicious way to shed those pounds. Remember, light and airy is the secret.
• • •
Each year, when my wife and I visit Ashland to experience a couple plays at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, we make of point of having lunch with our friend Mary Hill in Central Point. The last few years we have enjoyed the food at The Brick restaurant. We especially like the barbecue items. See you there.
• • •
I recently watched a ballroom dance competition on OPB, and was aghast when they did something they called the tango. I have seen a number of motion pictures that have included tangos from Argentina. What they did on OPB bore no resemblance to the true tango, which is one of the most suggestive dances that mankind has ever invented.


S'more bad news
[Posted May 19, 2010]

Little things interest me. A recent trip to Portland found members of our family at the Laurelhurst Market Restaurant on the corner of E. Burnside and 32nd. On every table, instead of a salt shaker, we found a small dish of salt. Each dish was about 3 and a half inches square. Both my wife and I had the same reaction: Isn’t that unsanitary? We queried our son, who is a biology teacher, and he assured us that nothing grows in salt. The one exception is this: if the salt becomes moist, then it can support bad things. So next time you are at the Laurelhurst Market, take a little pinch of salt for your entrée. Did I mention that the market is a combination restaurant, bar and butcher shop?
• • •
I’ve noticed that large daily newspapers don’t have any qualms about presenting full-page ads for shady enterprises including buying gold, selling questionable coins and Amish electric stoves (I didn’t know the Amish people used electricity). I’ve decided to go along with this morally suspect trend and start advertising Ponzi schemes. This is how it will work. If you have a Ponzi scheme and promise people at least 30 percent return on their money, I will advertise your scheme for only $5,000 an issue. My lawyer says that I won’t be liable or go to jail. He called me from the state prison, where he resides.
• • •
Thirty-three years ago, when we moved to Lincoln City, one of the first places that was recommended to us was Tups Tavern. The specialty of the house was chicken and jo-jos, and we have enjoyed them for years. Recently Tups changed hands and became The Black Pearl. We have dropped in twice and found that the old recipe has been passed on to the new owners. Pressure-fried chicken and potatoes, which we dip in vast quantities of ranch dressing, are our favorites. My wife and I find that we can split an order and still have some take home. Lots of napkins are required.
• • •
Could someone please explain to me how the women on “The View” can tell what the other panel members are saying when they are all talking at the same time? This is idiocy and I have yet to understand what they are talking about. I remember when people were polite and listened to other people.
• • •
As we have come to the end of the Trail Blazers’ season, one would expect that news of the team would minimize. This is not true. The team will be on the front page of the  Oregonian’s sports section every day until the next season starts. What bewilders me is that Portland has other pro teams, such as the Beavers, but they will continue to appear on Page 2. Heaven forbid that there would be a picture of that baseball team.
• • •
Rejoice! The farmers’ market season is here. Follow this media giant and it will lead you to wonders beyond belief. Sprinkled along the Oregon Coast are markets on different days of the week that will dazzle you with produce, crafts, flowers, popcorn, jams and jellies. I could go on and on. Stay tuned.
• • •
The TV ad shows people sitting around a campfire and roasting marshmallows. Or rather, incinerating marshmallows. The man proudly holds up a marshmallow that is completely engulfed in flames, turning it an ebony black. What is wrong with this picture? When I was young, we tried to toast marshmallows; that is, make them a luscious tan color, a little crisp on the outside but soft and gooey inside. That’s how to create the perfect marshmallow. Now I will tell you the bad news. When you incinerate a marshmallow you create carcinogens, which lead to cancer. The people of Iceland like food charred and they have the highest rate of cancer you can find. My job is to warn you.
• • •
Our new car has a navigation system, and this lady with the seductive voice tells us when to turn. In speaking to other people with navigation systems, we find that they all have names for the lady.
With this in mind, I would like to invite readers to submit possible names for our system lady. My e-mail address is around somewhere on this page. I feel the name should be seductive. Norma is off limits.


Water: To Paul, it's all well and good
[Posted May 5, 2010]

Todd Young is a very lucky person because he lives in the middle of a golf course. Recently he wrote the following to me.
“This is a true experience that happened to me a while back. I caught a glimpse of a golf ball, out of the corner of my eye. I wondered why it was growing bigger? And then it hit me!”
•  •  •
After observing people as they text, I have come to the conclusion that these are people who can only think of one thing at a time.
•  •  •
We are very lucky to live in Gleneden Beach because the water coming from the Kernville, Gleneden Beach, and Lincoln Beach Water District is some of the best in the state. When I take a deep drink of the ice cold liquid that I love, I am reminded of my childhood years, when my mother’s family had a cottage on Prior Lake, just west of Minneapolis and my father’s family had a cottage across the lake (guess where my parents met?). 
Each had a well and a pump. Hanging on the pumps were long handled dippers. That was the best icy cold water that I have ever had. We didn’t even worry about the amount of various chemicals that were to be found in the soil and water. Weren’t we brave?
•  •  •
Here is a question for you. When traveling on a trail in the wilderness, which is worse for the environment, a horse or a mountain bike? My answer is the bike. The bike makes a rut and, when the rains occur, this rut allows the water to proceed down the trail eroding as it goes. On the other hand, the horse makes a hoof print which holds rainwater. Thence, no erosion.
•  •  •
Ladies, did your manicurist miss your nail and get polish on your skin? Did she accidentally scratch your nail? If this has happened to you, you may be in line to get a large cash settlement in compensation through the courts. Contact the law firm of Jones, Smith, Jones and Smith at your first convenience at 1-800-555-9909.
•  •  •
During the 2010 Masters Golf Tournament, the announcers repeatedly used the term “unforced error.” Now correct me if I am wrong, but every error a golfer makes is an unforced error, unlike tennis, where the term refers to a player missing purely from his own fault and not as a result of his opponent’s shot. The Masters announcers always sound as if they are speaking in a cathedral and repeat such names as Butler Cabin and Amen Corner every five minutes. I personally like to watch sports with the sound barely audible. That way, I can hear if there is a big cheer. I’ve found that sports announcers say things that upon consideration are pure rot.
•  •  •
My wife and I are the proud possessors of a 2010 Prius automobile. The bells and whistles are amazing. We would like to make mention of the great service that we received at Toby Murry Motors in Newport. Our salesperson, Joe Barger, went out of his way to make our experience a good one. We have been buying cars from that dealership for 11 years.
•  •  •
I would like to correct something. The issue of The News Guard that featured the Lincoln City Community Days showed a picture of me, my daughter Cathe and four other women. The caption referred to the group as the Community Days Committee. I thought that was nice but I live in Gleneden Beach and we don’t have a Community Days, just a great Fourth of July parade.
•  •  •
My new favorite author, Terry Pratchett, has a major character announce his hatred for mimes. He says that he would throw them into a pit full of scorpions and written on the wall of the pit it would say LEARN THE WORDS. A mime is a horrible thing to waste.
•  •  •
Did you know that Dick Vitale knows where there is a third grader that made 25 free throws in a row? NBA scouts are circling. The fact that he is only 4 feet tall might be a problem.

Pillow padding has Paul feeling flat
Can anyone tell me about the current fad to place eight or 10 pillows on a bed? What does it mean? A recent trip to Three Rivers Casino Hotel in Florence produced a room with two beds, each holding eight pillows. When you have that many pillows there is very little room left to sleep. Of course the usual plan of action is to throw about six of the pillows on the floor, because other spaces in the room are taken up with our belongings. I feel it is unsanitary to toss them on the floor, but what are the choices? Is this a conspiracy with the pillow makers of the world? Pretty soon all of the landfills in the country will be filled with pillows.
•  •  •
Within a mile of my house, in Gleneden Beach, is a wonderful restaurant called the Side Door Café. This is a hangout for the locals. I am writing in praise of their quiche. Now I know that he-men don’t eat quiche, but this only leaves more for me, a semi-he-man. My most recent Side Door quiche was the ham variety, with three cheeses. It was delicious. Each day there is a quiche special on the blackboard. My wife prefers their quesadillas. The staff is friendly and attentive. It is on the Gleneden Beach Loop, so most people speed by on Hwy. 101. The portrait of this columnist, seen above, was taken about 30 feet from its front door.
•  •  •
After watching the NCAA Final Four and everything that preceded it, I want to make the following suggestion. I think that the college basketball coaches should wear uniforms the way baseball managers do. I can see them now with those baggy pants and all of their tattoos hanging out on their arms. Of course coach “K” of Duke might look a little wrinkly around the arms and ankles.
•  •  •
My happiest birthday traditions is an annual trip to The Bay House, in Lincoln City, for a delicious dinner. Recently, this event took place early on a Wednesday evening. As my wife and I approached the restaurant, at about 5:30 p.m., we found that the parking lot was quite full. We had forgotten that it was time for the weekly wine tasting. Upon our entry, we heard genial conversations with the music playing and corks popping.
Our window table overlooking the bay was ready and strewn with stars and birthday messages. That evening there were two other tables celebrating birthdays. The food was delicious as usual and tender beyond belief. See you there next April, or quite likely before.
•  •  •
Have you ever heard of Flat Stanley? Flat Stanley is a children’s book character and an elementary school exercise, in which a lifelike picture of a child is sent to relatives or friends who take Flat Stanley to have his picture taken at travel locations. We recently took a trip to Redding accompanied by Flat Kyle, my nephew’s son’s effigy. Flat Kyle went to Mt. Shasta, the Redwoods, Heceta Head Lighthouse, a wedding (including a picture with bride and groom), and a dozen other locales. Flat Kyle is on his way back to Minnesota with seashells, photographs, and travel brochures of the Oregon coast. He should be a very proud child.
•  •  •
On our above-mentioned trip we found some nice eateries including Della’s in Grants Pass, Grandma’s in Yreka and a visit to an old friend, the Apple Peddler in Crescent City. I was a frequent diner at the Apple Peddler in Newport and really enjoyed their side orders of biscuits and gravy. Alas, the Newport eatery is no more. I think it was Brookings where we saw another Apple Peddler restaurant.
•  •  •
Do you want to sound like a computer expert? This is what you do. When you are at your friends’ house and the computer is operating, you merely say, “Your computer is SOOOOOO!!!! slow.”
This will show two things: you are a computer expert and that your computer is better than theirs.


Will Democracy survive the Cocoa Party?
[Posted April 7, 2010]
My nephew and his wife have adopted a delightful Chinese boy named Kyle. Kyle is in the first grade and has a tendency to shout out the answer to his teacher’s questions. Recently she presented a math problem and Kyle immediately yelled the answer. The teacher said, “Kyle, I talked to you about this. You should raise your hand and give all the children a chance. Why did you call out the answer?” Kyle answered, “Because you are so beautiful.” The teacher went out in the hall and laughed.
•  •  •
I read that the computer networking giant Cisco Systems has the capability to download the entire contents of the Library of Congress in one second. This boggles my mind.
•  •  •
We now have a Tea Party and a Coffee Party and I have heard rumblings that there is a Cocoa Party. They are determined that there will be no tax on marshmallows. I am looking forward to the Martini Party and the Pinot Noir Party.
•  •  •
The next time you are in the supermarket and you see someone coming down the aisle to grab some Glade air freshener, you can be certain that his or her house is very dirty and smelly. These people could save money by buying some soap and cleaning their houses.
•  •  •
During my checkered writing career I have stolen liberally from the personal ads of the London Review of Books, but always have given true credit. 
I am always appalled at the pitiful personal ads found in the local classified ads found in the shopping newspapers, in restaurant lobbies. They all say the same thing, i.e., “Woman 60 seeks Man to 85 for walks on the beach, dancing and pushing my wheelchair.”
Now, on the other hand, I present for your greater edification a few ads from the London Review of Books.
“Gravy is my biggest weakness, Man 34”
“There are no cures for my intensity but significant medical breakthroughs are being made everyday. Female 57”
“I took a break updating my Twitter feed about my latest denim purchase to write this ad. Male 37”
The London Review of Books has recently added personal ads on Twitter. Check it out through Google.
•  •  •
Have you ever thought what would happen if all of the villains on the soap operas were placed on one program and all the good guys on another?
•  •  •
Econ. 101
I believe that everything started when the CEOs of the textile industry decided that they could make more money by moving their factories from cities like Manchester, N.H., to southeastern states where they found abundant cheap labor, like Georgia and Alabama. The trend extended to other industries, until someone decided that Asia had a great supply of labor at unbelievably low wages. Industry after industry set up plants across the Pacific and the era of container ships began.
Now it is obvious that the people of Asia don’t have the money to buy these products. What’s more, so many Americans have been put out of work that the market for these products has diminished. These very bright CEOs are sitting there saying, “What happened?” Actually they are sitting in their golf carts when they say this. And then we have the bankers who have the biggest set of greedies the world has ever seen. Tomorrow we will talk about jail time for bankers.
•  •  •
Are you aware that out in the Pacific Ocean there is a huge area of plastic about the size of Texas? Plastic items of all sorts, including water bottles, are found there. Now, a similar area has been found in the Atlantic. Plastic is being dumped in the ocean from the shore and from liners and freighters. Man is not a good caretaker of this planet. I remember a picture of the trail to Mount Everest strewn with gear and food wrappers from the thousands of expeditions. These supposed friends of the environment are great big litterbugs.
•  •  •
I don’t think that any sociologist has studied this, but here are some approximations. The average day of a college basketball player. Sleep: 8 hrs. Class: 1 hour. Practice: 7 hours. Eating: 3 hours. Tattooing: 5 hours.


Curl up with a good Olympic broadcast

[Posted March 24, 2010]

Undoubtedly, you have heard of a very famous American by the name of John Chapman, better known as Johnny Appleseed. He was born Sept. 26, 1774, and died Feb. 18, 1845.
He traveled through the United States, promoting apples and giving away seeds.
I have observed something recently, as I travel through the Northwest. At this time of year, you see masses of daffodils placed randomly along the roadway. I wonder who planted these bulbs, especially in unused parts of land? I have come to the conclusion that somewhere there is a person that we should call Johnny Daffodil. Has anyone seen him surreptitiously planting bulbs?
 • • •
During the recent Olympics, a number of my male friends and relatives suddenly developed a strong interest in curling; specifically, women’s curling. I admit that I was among those glued to the television during the matches. It seems that all of these countries sent teams of very comely young ladies. What’s more, this sport does not require the athlete to wear layers of clothing and goggles. A young woman named Cheryl Bernard, who competed on the Canadian team, garnered many admirers (even to the point of marriage proposals and a rumor that she had posed for  a calendar of naked lady curlers, found to be untrue). I know many gentlemen who can’t wait for the next Winter Olympics.
• • •
Our son is a high-school biology teacher. He told me that at the beginning of the school year, freshmen come to him and ask, “What do we HAVE to know?” In an effort to diminish their work load, David tells them that they have to know two things:
1. Wash your hands before leaving the rest room.
2. Learn to say, “Do you want fries with that?”
• • •
For 33 years, my family has eaten at Mo’s Restaurants, and at all of the restaurants in the chain. I have a particular favorite on the menu, the cold shrimp sandwich with a cup of chowder. About 34 years ago, a friend introduced me to Mo herself; she went into the kitchen and made me the above combo at the Annex in Newport. I’ve been enjoying this ever since. Don’t forget the cobblers. We usually dine in the winter months because in the summer there are always lines.
• • •
If you are feeling down and the world is giving you lots of trouble, I recommend that on a weekday at noon, you turn on Portland channel 12 (KPTV) and watch Perry Mason. Perry has been on that station forever, the one constant in a world of turmoil. I’ve seen all the episodes repeatedly and boy, am I calm!
• • •
I love to go to the Shops at Salishan and browse.
A relatively new addition to the array is Wine and Romance, easily found at the intersection of the two lanes, and opposite the outdoor fireplace. The Zerbels have integrated two of my favorite things: wine and chocolates. They are very knowledgeable in the wine area and have the top-of-the-line Moonstruck Chocolates. I highly recommend this shop.
• • •
On Saturday, Feb. 27, there was a tsunami advisory on the Washington coast, which happened to coincide with the semi-annual clamming tide. One of the main clamming areas in Washington is the Ocean Shores area. That day, an employee of Washington Department of Fish & Wildlife stopped each car as it drove onto the beach and warned them of the tsunami advisory. They all proceeded onto the beach. When interviewed he said he felt that there were more people than usual because folks came to see the tsunami. The Ocean Shores area is as flat as a pancake, with no place to run. Tsunami experts, please note.
• • •
The generous owners of this media giant recently had a party for fans and advertisers at the venerable Bijou Theatre in Lincoln City. As an added bonus, we were shown the wonderful old movie “Airplane!” In the movie, a man is stranded in a taxi for the duration of the film. Being a bit elderly, I remembered that the man was not an actor, but a very famous man of that time. His name was Howard Jarvis and he led an anti-tax revolt in California and made the cover of Time magazine. My doctor told me that Vitamin E helps your memory.
I guess that’s why I remembered Mr. Jarvis.


The toast of Salem
[Posted March 10, 2010]

I met a charming lady named Ellie that told me that she was going to a party. The hostess told Ellie it was a party for women whose husbands went shopping and never came back.
•  •  •
I discovered this pretentious, but demure and robust little wine with hints of Zircon, dandelion, cabbage, nylon and leaf mold. I’m keeping the name to myself. Too bad for you!
•  •  •
I have noted that recent Cialis ads warn that you might experience loss of hearing and/or vision, and to call your doctor if this happens. I think you might have trouble finding the phone and then hearing what the doctor has to say.
•  •  •
My wife, daughter and I made another visit to the Sassy Onion restaurant in Salem. It is just east of the Capitol and on the same street (just east of the railroad track). I enjoyed the Italian sausage and eggs breakfast, with their great toast. The restaurant is widely known for its French toast, which comes in many forms. Bring some coins, as there are parking meters in front of the café. Nearby is another restaurant called Word of Mouth Bistro. We have tried to go there twice, but the parking is very limited and the place is very busy. It is just off State near 17th.
•  •  •
My informants tell me that there is a huge rebellion afoot. All across the country, people who work in cubicles are forming groups and contemplating a revolt against their dinky little walls of their cubicles. “We want walls all the way to the ceiling!” they shout. All day long other workers lean over those short walls and nose into their business. They know when they are snacking. The noise from the other cubicles is so distracting. Beware and prepare because this is going to be a huge rebellion. You heard it here first.
•  •  •
Those of you in Lincoln County who enjoy classical music can rejoice: Adam Flatt has signed a five-year contract with the Newport Symphony Orchestra. Adam has a great personality, extensive musical knowledge and has assembled a wonderful symphony. The fact that he looks like the actor Tim Robbins is incidental. Looking forward to David Ogden Stiers’ guest appearances with the symphony April 24 and 25. Do you have your tickets yet?
•  •  •
My wife and I live in a community of 432 lots that is served by two different electric companies. Two thirds of the area is served by the Central Lincoln PUD, and the other third by Pacific Power. Our community pays for the street lights. If anything goes wrong with PUD streetlights, our caretaker calls and a real human being answers the phone, then sends a crew to fix the light. On the other hand, if a Pacific Power streetlight fails, we must call a different number. A machine asks for the pole number and generates a work order; however, no one ever comes to fix the light, no matter how many times we call. If the PUD is smart, they should buy one of these answering machines. Then they would never have to hire any repairmen. Additionally, Pacific Power just raised the streetlight rates.
•  •  •
Are you aware that every child that is taken from negligent or abusive parents and placed in foster care has an advocate in court? These are called Court Appointed Special Advocates, or CASAs, and they are volunteers — but the organization of this work needs paid office staff and an office. To defray these costs, CASA has an annual Beach Bash, dance and food with auction items. This year it will be on May 8. You can help if you call 541-265-3116.   


Pass the bar, and you won't pass up this café
[Posted Feb. 24, 2010]

On a recent trip, my wife and I were proceeding down one of our nation’s freeways when we decided to stop for a snack. As we walked into the air-conditioned grandeur of a mini mart adjacent to a service station, we saw aisle upon aisle of Cheetos, candy and other items filled with sodium and calories. The walls were lined with refrigerated cases, filled with sodas and energy drinks. The role of the mini mart in the fattening of America is enormous. The amount of sodium in those buildings would fill a semi truck.
• • •
I really don’t know what Hong Kong-style Chinese food is, but I know I enjoy eating it because I have eaten, with my wife and four friends, at Lum Yuen, in the Taft area of Lincoln City. As a party of six, we were prime candidates for a family-style dinner. We watched in awe as platter after platter of delicious food were carried to our table and devoured with gusto. The service was excellent and the chef visited with us repeatedly during the meal. Lum Yuen in Lincoln City has only two parking spaces in front of the restaurant, on Hwy. 101, but we discovered that there is a back door and parking on SW 51st Street and in a lot across the street. There is another Lum Yuen restaurant in Newport on Hwy. 101. I see a trip in the future to compare taste sensations.
• • •
As of this writing, the news is filled with items about Toyota cars and trucks. As an owner of a Toyota, I have been very interested in the recalls. The Secretary of Transportation testified that every Toyota driver should put his or her car in the garage — then he immediately recanted. What impresses me is that millions of Toyotas drive billions of miles daily without problems, but every day I read about people that mistake the accelerator for the brake and drive through some store window or into a casino. I have a weekly lunch with three gentlemen and we all have Toyotas. I guess we will have to stop lunching. So far I’ve driven our Avalon 58,000 miles and the pedal has never stuck yet.
• • •
I have been investigating vacation rentals in the Palm Springs, Calif., area and discovered wonderful deal at the Tamarisk Country Club. You can rent a house there for a measly $15,000 per month. When you come to call, I’ll be at the pool, if I can find it.
• • •
I bet you don’t know who the number one riesling revivalist in the world is. Well, with the help of an article in the FOODday section of the Oregonian I am prepared to fill that hole in your wine education. The answer is Dr. Ernst Loosen (pronounced loh-zen) who isn’t actually a doctor, but his native Germany permits this use. In 1988 Dr. Loosen took over his family wine estate on the Mosel River and made his name synonymous with riesling in the world. I am particularly interested in Riesling since I have a problem drinking red wines and I have a sweet tooth that leads me directly to riesling. Dr. Loosen, with a partner, is now investing in land near Newberg, where he is planting pinot noir and possibly sauvignon blanc. We will be watching this with interest. I recommend that you go to The Bay House in Lincoln City and talk to Mr. Wilson’s staff about Dr. Loosen rieslings. Don’t forget that the Bay House has wine tastings from 4:30 to 6 p.m. every Wednesday.
• • •
The president’s wife is heading a drive to reduce obesity in children, a wonderful goal. I would like to make one note. When I see pictures of overweight children, I often see in the background a parent who weighs in at 300-plus pounds. I think the parents could set an example by calling Nutrisystem, or the equivalent.
• • •
I highly recommend lunching at the Red Door Café, next to the courthouse in Newport. Don’t be surprised if the person at the next table gives you his or her business card. This is a hangout for lawyers. The menu is large and creative.

'Paul & Paula Idol'?
[Posted Feb. 10, 2010]

Guess what? You just arrived for a little vacation on the Oregon coast and you found out that your motel has an indoor heated swimming pool. It is winter, and you never thought to bring your swimming suit. What do you do?
I’ll give you a clue: Go to The Accidental Tourist shop, just south of the D River Wayside in Lincoln City, and check out their display of swimwear. While you are there, take a look at the shirts, hats, floats and artwork. The shop is on the east side of Hwy. 101 between Wine 101 and B.K. Mulligan’s Sports Bar. Does it make any difference that the shop is owned by my daughter and her husband?
•  •  •
The last night on our recent trip was spent in the Best Western Airport Inn, in Phoenix. My wife asked me to get some snacks and a bottle of water. Imagine my surprise when the machine refused to accept my dollar bills to pay for the $1.50 bottle of water and suggested that I swipe my credit card. I think using a credit card to buy a $1.50 bottle of water is an all-time low for our culture. She got the water – and the CEO of MasterCard is still chuckling.
•  •  •
I noted that Simon Cowell is leaving “American Idol” next year, and there is much speculation as to his replacement. I would like to nominate myself, as I can be extremely nasty when I want to be and I hate most screaming singers. I think I would be a perfect fit for the job (and I would bring back Paula Abdul because I think she is cute). In keeping with this topic, I just saw a Bizarro cartoon in The Oregonian depicting a recording engineer speaking to a young guitarist in the studio and giving the following advice: “Once more, but this time sing a song that isn’t awful in a voice that isn’t grating.”
•  •  •
The City of Lincoln City has installed two recharging stations in a city parking lot to reenergize electric cars. It is my understanding that most electric cars get 100 miles to a charge. Using my knowledge of Oregon geography, I can predict that if you live in Hillsboro and you drive to Lincoln City in your electric car, you will make it to the charging station. But if you live in Gresham, you are going to run out of power in Otis, Ore., and have to get a tow the next 10 miles. Or stay at the Otis Hilton.
Editor’s note: Since H. Paul has been out of town, he probably hasn’t heard the big news in the Otis hospitality industry. That hotel has been taken over by Starwood, and will soon reopen under the W brand.
•  •  •
A couple more trip related items. I will never forget traveling down the street in Peoria, Ariz., with my wife’s niece at the wheel, while her 2-year-old daughter loudly played a Chipmunks song in the back seat and Ava, the lady on the GPS, kept repeating “Turn left! Turn left! Turn left!” When we left a restaurant in Palm Springs and returned to our friend’s car there was a paper under the windshield wiper offering the services of a car wash. The paper was a coupon worth $50! Off a car wash!
•  •  •
Everyone is up-in-arms today about airlines charging for checked bags. I believe that if the airlines raised the cost of the flight from $200 to $215, no one would say a thing. Now we have everyone dragging their bags onto the plane and trying to stuff them into the overhead. It has created chaos for the crews. On the other hand, the checked bags get to the carousel much faster and you are out the airport in jig time.
•  •  •
One of the hardest jobs in the world is being an agent for a noted personality, responsible for keeping his or her name in front of the public. For instance, a headline like “Lola Latour Has a Hangnail” would be typical coup for the average flack. I imagine that the people responsible for keeping Sarah Palin’s name in front of the public for the next two years have their work cut out for them.


Bearded men are egging Paul on
[Posted Jan. 13, 2010]
Could someone please tell me why Eggland’s Best Eggs are better than regular eggs? At my last visit to the supermarket eggs were $1.79 and with a coupon they were 99 cents, while Eggland’s Best were $3.19 a dozen. In the TV commercials they never tell you why their eggs are better, they just rely on a beautiful picture of a couple of fried eggs. They don’t mention how the chickens are treated, fed, or allowed to roam. This is a puzzlement.
• • •
Do you know what is the longest running play in American history? I will tell you. It is a play called “Shear Madness,” which has been performed more than 9,000 times at Kennedy Center’s Theater Lab in Washington, D.C. (but the production of the same play in Boston has run even longer). This is a murder mystery that takes place in a hair salon. At the end the audience is asked to vote for the character that they think committed the crime. The character receiving the most votes determines how the play ends, with three possibilities. The play is updated every day and has lines pertaining to that day’s news. We saw the play years ago, when one of the characters was played by the woman who played Willy Wonka’s mother in the movie, Diana Sowle. The play is hilarious.
• • •
Is it just me, or has the world given up on aesthetics? Unshaven men, pants riding down the backside, women with cardigans three sizes too small with the middle button buttoned, hair hanging in your face, shoes unlaced, extremely ugly tattoos, Hummers, men’s hair that stands on end and looks greasy, and on and on.
• • •
The Sandy Phoenix Identity Theft Protection Company announces its newest program. When you enroll in this program, we guarantee to you that we are watching every person in the world who is actively stealing identities. When your identity is stolen we immediately break into that building where the culprit resides (we would already have a warrant) and threaten him/her with a can of Reddi-Wip. It is a common fact that identity thieves are deathly afraid of Reddi-Wip. We force him/her to rectify the theft and we turn him/her over to the local constabulary. Our service is free because we make so much money from the rewards.
• • •
Recently I watched an ad on the TV for a replica of a Buffalo Proof coin. They claimed that the coin was covered with 31 thousandths of a gram of 24 carat gold. According to my calculations, with the current rate of gold at $1,100 per ounce, I estimate that the total value of the gold on the coin is 3.3 cents. Good luck to the purchasers. They better bury the coins in the back yard. I won’t tell you how much they are charging for this buffalo coin.
• • •
A friend of a friend was traveling on a plane from Mexico recently, and happened to sit next to a person who had been on the crew filming Corona beer ads. He said it took weeks to make the commercial. With those beautiful sandy beaches, I bet it would take me months.
• • •
As you may note from the name of this column, we are familiar with rebirths. The latest rebirth in Lincoln City is The Black Pearl, which has risen from the former Tup’s Tavern, that was in existence for eons. My wife and I, and our friends, returned to this site to partake of the legendary chicken and jo-jos made with Tup’s secret recipe. We saw many locals using the take-out system for their dinners. The Black Pearl is open at 3 p.m. daily and has a generous supply of TVs tuned to sports channels. Did I mention the baby back ribs? Ask Christine about them.
• • •
When commercials appear on the television they are usually accompanied by extremely small type at the bottom of the screen. When it is possible to read the words, you can usually find something to the effect that this product is not available in all states. This means that the Attorneys General of those states are on to the scam and are protecting you. Thank them the next time you see them.


H. Paul is off-put by offsets
[Posted Dec. 30, 2009]

As you watch football on TV, you may hear the following exchange: “Now we are going to Mary on the sidelines for an update.” “Yes, Dan I have just received the following update. William Shakespeare was baptized on April 26, 1564. He wrote 38 plays and 154 sonnets. He was born in Stratford-On-Avon and had three children. Back to you Dan.”
• • •
And now a word about Captain Dan’s Pirate Pastry Shop. Flaky crusts are the name of the game. I’ve never had flakier. They melt in your mouth. We had the pleasure to buy a delicious marionberry pie that just came out of the oven and was still warm when I arrived home 10 minutes later. Wow! My wife admired my new haircut from Joe, who works in the 101 Barbershop, next door to Captain Dan’s, at 51st and Hwy. 101 in Lincoln City.
• • •
I recently read that responsibletravel.com has stopped offering a carbon offset program for travelers. They said that the travel industry’s priority should be to reduce carbon emissions, rather than to offset. They cited a report, by the organization Friends of the Earth, which called carbon offsets a “dangerous distraction” that creates a “medieval pardon for us to carry on behaving in the same way or worse.”
• • •
Do you enjoy humorous science fiction? I have become addicted to the work of Terry Pratchett and his invention of Discworld. Here is a snippet from “The Color of Magic.”
“He knew that when the circle was spinning fast enough against the standing magical field of the Discworld itself in its slow turning, the resulting astral friction would build up a vast potential difference which would earth itself by a vast discharge of the Elemental Magical Force.…
“Rincewind felt the familiar sticky prickling in the scalp that indicated the build up of a heavy charge of raw enchantment in the vicinity, and so he was utterly amazed when, a few seconds later, a shaft of vivid octarine light speared down from the invisible ceiling and focused, crackling, in the center of the circle.”
Does that excerpt intrigue you? If so, inquire at one of our local bookstores, like Bob’s Beach Books in Lincoln City or Allegory Books at the Marketplace at Salishan.
• • •
Recently an empty sports arena in Michigan that cost $53 million to build was sold for less than $600,000. At that rate a person could probably buy the entire state of California for $150,000.
• • •
I usually turn on the computer in the morning and look through a series of news sources such as the Washington Post, BBC and CNN. The CNN web site drives me crazy because they are continually placing ads on and off the screen, and moving the words that I am trying to read. Don’t tell CNN, but I never pay any attention to any of their commercials and I especially don’t click on any news item that has a little camera symbol after it, because before they show you the item they bore you with some crummy commercial.
• • •
Sandy Phoenix Electronics is currently hard at work developing a device that responds to the increase in decibels that we experience when commercials appear on TV (Congress is considering a bill to control ad decibels). This device would automatically turn off the sound on your TV until the commercials are through. One possibility would be to mount the device directly on your TV remote. Sandy Phoenix Electronics expects a huge response to this innovation. Did you know that, in the early days of radio, one company sponsored 15 minutes of silence?
• • •
Recently I had the opportunity to have a belated lunch at a restaurant near Canby that is called Top-O-Hill. Actually, I believe it’s in an area called Barlow, just east of Aurora. Top-O-Hill has been in existence since 1926 and has the most extensive seniors menu I’ve seen. The food was well prepared and hearty. Don’t tell my wife I had liver and onions (bad for cholesterol, you know).
• • •
In my last column I mentioned my admiration for three actresses. I would like to add another, Tina Fey.


What's on your dream grocery list?
[Posted Dec. 16, 2009]

Let us imagine that you are working for the advertising agency handling the Fidelity Investments account. You have to come up with a TV ad campaign for this company. You are in the meeting and it is your turn to present an idea. You suggest a series of ads with a green stripe on the ground, and a disk moving along the stripe. Everyone at the meeting is enthusiastic and the ads are put into production. Can anyone tell me what this has to do with investments? I think Fidelity Investments is in the running for the stupidest ad idea of the year, along with Geico’s stack of bills with the eyes on top.
•  •  •
What would happen if you didn’t have to worry about high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes or obesity, and you could buy whatever your heart desired at the grocery store? What 10 things would you buy? I think my list would include the following: Oreo cookies, Haagen-Dazs ice cream bars, chocolate-covered cashews, a Whitman’s Sampler, Moonstruck Chocolates, apple pie with cheddar cheese, tiramisu, a pastrami sandwich from the Stage Deli in New York, Bananas Foster, and a bottle of Mouton Rothschild 1945.
•  •  •
There is a program on PBS that is a consistently beautiful experience, week after week. I am referring to “Travels to the Edge with Art Wolfe.” This is a man who has the greatest sense of beauty that I have ever seen. He is very lucky to be able to travel to places that few ever reach, and meet a great many people in the world. He shows us pictures of animals that we only see in zoos.
•  •  •
It is Saturday afternoon and you are watching your favorite football team on TV. You decide to switch channels and see what is happening in the Notre Dame game (they are on every week). When you switch you will either get the game or a commercial. The following statistics are interesting. Out of 100 chances, you will get the game three times and you will get a commercial 97 times. Take my word for it.
•  •  •
In October we took a trip that took us through Hood River. As always, we made a stop on the famous Fruit Loop and stopped at Smiley’s Red Barn. When we asked for Honey Crisp apples, we were told that the supply in the Hood River Valley was gone. This has become the most popular apple on the shelf recently. Remember next season to get there early, because this variety is great. P.S. I did find them available in local markets this fall.
•  •  •
Every so often you see ads on TV selling miniature versions of classic vehicles. I am always amused when they say that you will receive a certificate of authenticity. Exactly what is authentic? I believe that it is a real, authentic model.
•  •  •
I did it. I managed to get three turkey dinners in five days at Thanksgiving. I really like turkey and especially dressing. My wife and I drove to Yachats for the yearly Thanksgiving Day feast at the Adobe Resort. The menu included baron of beef as well as turkey, and the staff did a great job with an overflow crowd on a rainy, blustery day. Then, on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, our entire family met at my daughter’s house to dissect a 22-pound turkey and every other imaginable accompanying food. I baked the pumpkin pies. On the Monday following Thanksgiving, my wife and I went shopping at Michaels in Keizer. Afterwards we had lunch at Marie Callender’s in Salem, and guess what? I had a turkey dinner. Wow! A triple play.
•  •  •
As I near the magic age of 80 I find that my favorite actresses (read beautiful) tend to be a little older and more mature. I am smitten by Laura Morante, the Italian actress who has appeared in more than 80 films; the one that sticks in my mind is “Moliere.” A classic beauty. I also love the work of Licia Maglietta in “Bread and Tulips.” However, the most outstanding in my list is Juliette Binoche. As you can see, I watch a lot of the Sundance Channel, and IFC.


Dementia, spitting and other incongruities
[Posted Dec. 2, 2009]

A recent study of former pro football players over the age 50 has shown that they are five times more likely to suffer dementia than the normal population. If this is true imagine the rate of dementia with soccer players. They don’t use helmets and spend their time bouncing the ball off their heads. That explains a lot about European soccer fans.
•  •  •
Little League parents: remember to sign up your child for spring Spitting Camp. You can’t look like a real baseball player if you don’t spit properly. There will be instruction in sunflower seeds and drool prevention. Get your child ready so that when they reach the proper age that they can chew tobacco with the best of them.
•  •  •
Are you aware that the convention of Oregonian sports writers and photographers who cover the Blazers will be held in the Coliseum? The 16-year-old who covers the Portland Beavers and the Winter Hawks has had a problem with his Polaroid and will be on furlough.
•  •  •
“Shrimp Boats Are A Coming” at Pier 101 in Lincoln City. My favorites at this seafood restaurant are the large, butterflied Mexican shrimp that are deep fried and served with a wonderful red sauce along with Pier Planked Potatoes. My wife and I have been regular customers for 32 of the 37 years that the restaurant has been in existence.
•  •  •
This newspaper is dedicated to telling you of future events on the Oregon coast. Since humor is the juxtaposition of the incongruous I feel that it is my duty to tell you about things that have already happened and to shame you into attending in the future. I am referring to the wonderful Newport Symphony Orchestra and its recent concert featuring Lindsay Deutsch, a world-renowned violinist. My wife and I were mesmerized by the brilliance of both the symphony and Ms. Deutsch. The symphony has two remaining concerts this season. Get on board and enjoy the best.
•  •  •
Things are getting out of hand in the world of football. Players spend more time with high fives and bumping tummies than they do actually playing the game. I see this leading in a bad direction. Imagine the coach giving a pep talk before the game, the players jump up out of their seat and immediately everyone gives a high five because they were able to get out of their seats. The team runs down the tunnel out onto the field and runs to the sidelines where everyone gives high fives and bumps because they were able to run onto the field. Now everyone has some Gatorade and they all high five because they were able to drink the Gatorade. The captains go to the center of the field for the coin toss and when they return everyone gives a high five because they were able to jog back to the huddle. By this time everyone is too tired to play the game.
•  •  •
“He who dies with the most junked out cars in his yard wins.” As you travel throughout the country you see back yards that are a mass of derelict cars and trucks. Now let us examine two problems in America: 1) Lack of money for governments, and 2) The need to recycle and cut down on the use of our resources. Now here is my solution to these two problems. We should tax derelict cars and trucks, forcing the owners to sell them for scrap to replace our natural resources. This would improve the scenery in America while raising money. I would suggest $100 per car per year. The owners would see that money received for salvage far outweighs the tax they would have to pay. Think about it.
•  •  •
I went searching through the Internet the other day and found that Elderhostel is changing its name to Exploritas. My wife and I have attended Elderhostel classes at Jekyll Island, Ga.; Ripley, W.Va.; Berea, Ky.; and Sedona, Ariz. All were very interesting and educational. In the write up for a class in Tuscany I found the following Italian phrase. “Dolce far niente,” which means “the sweetness of doing nothing.” I like that.
   

Subsidize this: Bruncke looks down at traffic jams
Posted Nov. 18, 2009

You are a person that enjoys the Oregon coast. You are stuck in traffic between Newberg and Dundee and you are saying words like “heck” and “darn.” It would be nice to have a bypass around this area but it probably won’t occur in your lifetime. You look ahead to the Coast Range, where you will be behind a motor home that is doing 35 in a 55 zone.
Now have you ever considered flying to Newport and renting a car or possibly having a motel/resort pick you up at the airport in their shuttle? Did you know that this is possible through SeaPort Airlines, which flies regularly scheduled planes every day? Enterprise Rent a Car in Newport and Hallmark, Shilo, Embarcadero, Best Western at Agate Beach, and Yaquina Taxi can cater to your needs.
SeaPort also flies to Astoria, Pendleton and Boeing Field in Seattle, all through Portland. You don’t have to bother with TSA security and you can arrive 15 minutes before flight time. As you fly over Dundee, you can stick your tongue out.
[Related story, from National Public Radio]
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix Feel Good Company has a new offer for you. For a slight charge we will rid you of your problems through positive thought. Let us imagine that you would like to see the beautiful fall leaves on your trees year round. Well, for a mere $150 we will think positive thoughts about your trees.
You feel that you would like to advance at your job and get better pay? Well, for $350 we will think very positively about your job. For $1,000 we will think positively about your small business and try to improve your bottom line. For $29.75 we will think positively about your son’s Little League game. If nothing happens contact us at our office in Aruba. Oh, we forgot to tell you that we changed our phone number-laissez les bon temps rouler!
•  •  •
Do you like cioppino? Would you like to find cioppino to die for? I will then direct you to the Blackfish Café in Lincoln City, where chef and owner Rob Pounding prepares the best cioppino that I have ever eaten. Accompanied by delicious bread from his bakery across the street, the multitude of seafood delights in the fish stew mingle and blend in the rich sauce. The Blackfish is well known for its fresh seafood items but it also features beef, pork and other dishes. Be sure and try Chef Pounding’s Ding Dongs for dessert.
•  •  •
Have you noticed the ads on TV that advertise that they will help you with your back taxes problem? People appear and announce they are now debt free from their previous tax requirements. Did you ever stop to think that since those people get out from under their taxes that you then have to take up the slack and your taxes will be increased? You paid your taxes, why don’t they?
•  •  •
Are you a person that plans well into the future? Do you have your 2010 vacation planned and possibly tickets purchased? Are you going to the Shakespeare Festival in Ashland? Have you picked out your plays? Now to the question at hand. What are you going to be doing on the evening of March 10, 2010? Well, I hope that I will see you at the Lincoln City Cultural Center enjoying the Portland Baroque Orchestra, a presentation of the Cascade Head Music Festival. The Cascade Head Music Festival has been presenting outstanding classical and jazz music for 23 years, and is the product of a host of dedicated volunteers. The most recent concert featured the Moscow String Quartet. As a side note it should be mentioned that the Cascade Head Music Festival is the reason that the Otis Café is known from coast to coast. Any donations as underwriter, benefactor, or friend would be greatly appreciated. The Oregon coast has everything including classical music.
•  •  •
If you are looking for shoes and you want service, and you don’t want to sit on the floor and try on shoes in a discount store, and you don’t want to deal with an employee that was hired yesterday, right out of high school, then listen to my suggestion. Go to Florence and wend your way to Old Town and Bay Streets. There, you will find an old movie theater that has undergone a transformation, and is now a shoe store. The name is On Your Feet Shoes. My wife and I love to go there and find what we have been looking for. If not, they order what we were looking for and send them to us. This is service you won’t find anywhere else. Mo’s is just down the block.

Lighthouse menu shines

[Posted Nov. 5, 2009]

This just in: The most courteous, friendliest and helpful employees are to be found at Kah-Nee-Ta, the high desert resort on the Warm Springs Reservation. Yours truly can attest to this fact through observations during a recent stay. I also found the reason for this wonderful behavior, when an employee showed me the back of his name badge where there were listed seven rules of conduct when dealing with guests. This included rules on smiling, etc. My wife and I enjoyed every minute of our stay, which I had planned for a long time. Two very friendly slot machines made our stay even better.
•  •  •
Sandy Phoenix Pharmaceuticals announces its latest medical miracle. Hyper Hyper Medico Pills have just entered the market and their niche has not been established because we don’t know what they cure. In our tests more than 99 percent of the people died; however, our marketing department says that the benefits outweigh the risks. Side effects can be found in pages 1 through 500 of any medical encyclopedia. Ask you doctor if Hyper Hyper Medico Pills are right for you.
•  •  •
When dining in Lincoln City, be sure to consider McMenamins Lighthouse Brewpub at the north end of town. My personal favorite is the halibut fish and chips, with coleslaw and a generous amount of fries. Of course, the array of brews is staggering.
•  •  •
Have you been to Welches, Ore.? Looked for lunch? Well, the next time you are there I recommend the Soup Spoon Restaurant, tucked away in a little mall just off of E. Welches Rd. They start out by tantalizing you with five small sampler bowls of their soups of the day. The sandwiches are great and so are the desserts, including my favorite, a sinful brownie.
Now to dinner. Try Skyway Bar and Grill just East of Zig Zag. This is the ultimate funky establishment and is made of parts of old hotels and churches. The ribs are great and so is the Mac and Cheese. Did I mention the carrot cake?
•  •  •
In these times of recession people try to make money any way they can. Did you know that by Sept. 1 the Better Business Bureau had received 10,334 complaints about Free Credit Report.com? It seems the free credit report cost $179 per year and when you try to drop out they keep charging you. This is according to Consumer Reports.
•  •  •
Have you noticed that people who appear on shows like “The Today Show,” to promote their book or idea, seem to have taken about eight shots of espresso beforehand? They speak much faster than the human ear and brain can process. They are given a few minutes and do they ever pack in the info.
•  •  •
My wife and I took a trip to Portland and Vancouver to pick up relatives at the airport on Oct. 21. We all took a side trip to visit our granddaughter, who is a junior at Washington State University at Vancouver. Maybe you didn’t know that there was a branch of that institution in Vancouver. It is located near the north intersection of Interstates 5 and 205, and is a beautifully designed complex. Our trip coincided with the most beautiful fall foliage that we had seen in years. Only a few leaves had fallen and some trees had a number of different brilliant colors. I hope you had a chance to view the majesty of fall.
•  •  •
Have you considered volunteering when you have a little spare time? I assume that if you are retired you have a little more spare time. There are so many ways to benefit your community.
I was alerted to a volunteer job that I didn’t know of when I saw a car parked at the post office that said on the door, State Police Volunteer. The person driving was a gray haired lady well past retirement age. I know a friend who volunteers at the Coast Guard in Depoe Bay. There are jobs at shelters, food banks, libraries and many other locales. I have been a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) representing abused and neglected children for six years. I know you can find a job to fit your expertise.'


'Cheers' is out. Starbucks is now the Norm.
[Posted 10.20.2009]

WARNING! Peanuts were in the room when this column was written.
•  •  •
The focus of this item is the new small-plate luncheon at the Bay House in Lincoln City, but before I get to the main topic I will take you on a circuitous route. Recently there was an article that proposed that Starbucks was destroying the concept of social life in the world. People enter with their laptops, pick up their lattes, sit in the corner and stare into the computer screen, with no interaction with their neighbors. After I read this I was watching a rerun of the TV show “Cheers” where everybody knows your name and I felt that Starbucks and “Cheers” were on opposite ends of a continuum.
Now to get to the topic at hand. The Bay House is well-known for leisurely dinners with wine and wonderful conversation. Our experience has been that there is always interplay with nearby diners. Owner Steve Wilson and his executive chef have devised a wonderful small-plate menu featuring every imaginable seafood and beautifully presented meat courses and salads. All of these are $10 or under. I have great difficulty making choices from their menu. Stop at the Bay House for lunch, revive social conversation and drink in the beauty of Siletz Bay.
•  •  •
The Fraud Division of Sandy Phoenix Financial Advisors has the following program that is just right for you. Send $70,000 to us and we will buy ourselves a new Lexus. We promise you a 25 percent return on your money. If you need your money early we will sell the used Lexus and see how much we can get for it. We will return this money to you minus our usual fee. Contact us at our office in Aruba.
•  •  •
I enjoy reading humorous science fiction novels by English writer Terry Pratchett. In his novel called “Thud,” he has the following excerpt that echoes my philosophy of eating.
“She knew what a Vime’s (the leading character) BLT was all about. It was about having to lift up quite a lot of crispy bacon before you found the miserable skulking vegetables.”
Now, that’s my kind of thinking.
Here is another Pratchett quote. “I know you like to point the finger of scoff.” Have you ever heard that before?
•  •  •
A few years ago, when professional and college quarterbacks were having a hard time being heard on the field, they would throw up their arms and walk to the sidelines. This difficulty has passed. Now quarterbacks are not only heard, but in many cases there is no huddle. My operatives have been engaged in research and we have learned the secret of this new approach. At each game there is a young woman in the 15th row in a red dress that signals the team as to the upcoming play. The signals on the sidelines are smokescreen. With their mouthpieces in, the quarterbacks can only grunt the signal to the center. And then there is Peyton Manning who runs around behind the line gesturing and yelling and exhorting his players. I hear he is up for an Emmy.
•  •  •
I do not like to stand in line to eat at a restaurant. That is why, now that it is fall, it’s time to frequent Mo’s. My favorite is the cold shrimp sandwich with a cup of Mo’s famous chowder. The shrimp are mixed with mayonnaise and spices and placed on a bun with lettuce and tomato. I would add that the first time I had this sandwich, about 33 years ago, it was made by Mo herself at the Annex in Newport. We had a mutual friend who was then the mayor of Newport. I believe that Mo’s at Otter Crest is closed for the winter season. Is that right?
•  •  •
The other day, I was watching a talk show that had an audience. This is what I observed.
Host: Today, our guest is Dr. Jones. (scream, scream)
Host: Dr. Jones is a zoologist that specializes in road kills. (scream, scream)
Host: Dr. Jones has brought us road kills from all of the 50 states. (scream, scream)
Host: Each and every one of you is going to receive a road kill today. (scream, scream)
At that point I turned the channel to QVC.


Air on the Side of Judgement
Every day you see drivers coming the opposite way with their hand draped over the top of the steering wheel. It would be exciting to see their airbag inflate and tear their arm completely off. In the old days we were advised to drive with our hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel. With the advent of the air bag this has been revised to lower positions on the wheel, 8 and 4 are much better. Those driving with their hand on top of the wheel are signaling to you that they are really cool when they are actually very stupid.
•  •  •
It is time to start a list of the 10 things that you would want with you if you were stranded on a desert island. I would appreciate any suggestions that you might have. Here are some things that come to mind: A garlic press, a Chia Pet, a GPS, a Swiss Army Knife, a complete set of the 1913 Encyclopedia Britannica, a picture of a 32 foot Chris Craft, a year’s supply of dental floss, a pail and shovel, and a pet turtle.
•  •  •
I had heard of a restaurant chain called The Cheesecake Factory, but never had the opportunity to partake. Recently my wife and I visited one in Tulsa , Okla. Imagine our surprise when we entered and found that it was decorated as an Egyptian temple. As you enter you pass a counter that is brimming with delicious looking cheesecakes. It is a very difficult trip, but the hostess leads you on. In my last column I mentioned a dish called Joe’s Special that I had found re-created at Georgie’s Beachside Grill in Newport, Ore. Now as I perused the large menu at The Cheesecake Factory I discovered the same Joe’s Special, a dish consisting of eggs, ground beef, spinach, mushrooms, and onions. It came with wonderful flavored potatoes and toast. This is a Bay Area favorite also.
The aforementioned Cheesecake Factory was on South 71st in Tulsa. To give you an idea of its location, imagine that you place Washington Square, Clackamas Town Center and Bridgeport Square all in a row. That’s 71st St. Every chain business you have ever heard of is there.
•  •  •
Let me bore you with another landmark in Tulsa. I was really amazed by the Philbrook Museum of Art. This was the family home of the Phillips family of oil fame and has been greatly expanded with a restaurant, auditorium, gift shop and loads of galleries that contain first class art. If you get to Tulsa in the future, I highly recommend it. Oh, I forgot the gardens — truly breathtaking. On the flight home I had the good fortune to be sitting next to a Delta Airlines pilot who once flew jet fighters in the Navy. He and I talked for 600 miles from Salt Lake City. My wife eavesdropped.
•  •  •
The Sandy Phoenix Carbon Neutral Co. announces its latest innovation. You, the customer, will send $500 and Sandy Phoenix will plant a tree seed in our backyard. Soon the tree will grow and take in carbon dioxide and generate oxygen to replace the exhaust from your furnace, automobile, leaf blower, outboard, motor-scooter and fireplace. Sandy Phoenix will send you a certificate that assures you and all your friends that you are CARBON NEUTRAL.
•  •  •
Does anybody know where Munson Creek Falls is? Has anybody been there? I am told it is beautiful, a short walk from the parking area. Now I will give you a clue: it is about 6 miles south of Tillamook on Hwy. 101. However, those of you traveling in a motor home or travel trailer should be warned that there is no turnaround and you will spend the rest of your days watching a waterfall.
•  •  •
The other day I watched the Portland weather people showing pictures of the coast and announcing that Lincoln City and Newport had temperatures of 90 degrees. We live 2 blocks from the ocean and I looked at our outdoor thermometer and it said it was 68 degrees. I bet lots of people decided not to go to the beach that day.
•  •  •
The next time that you go to Skiatook, Okla., remember that they have tarantulas, scorpions, and copperheads (in pairs).

One (naked) man's beach
[Posted Sept. 23, 2009]

I always try to leave beach topics to Mr. Love’s TODAY column, “One Man’s Beach,” but one of his recent articles brought back a story. We lived on the oceanfront in the Nelscott area for 17 years. One day we looked down on the beach and saw a man, jogging north, completely naked and carrying his trousers over his arm. About 200 yards away were two women proceeding south on the beach. The man saw them, stopped, put on his pants and continued. Once past the ladies he stopped and removed his pants again.
•  •  •
Since this is a paper designed to appeal to tourists, the audience changes each week. This allows me to repeat an item and only bothering a few local readers. I’m referring to my recent article on Thai restaurants. My wife and some friends had the good fortune to return to Andaman Thai restaurant in Lincoln City across from City Hall. I have decided that the reason for the somewhat slow service is that the staff takes the time to explain items in the menu and even returns from the kitchen to discuss variations and spiciness. When your food arrives you will be overwhelmed by the presentation of each dish. They take great care with each serving. I also had a dessert that I had never experienced before: coconut ice cream. Delicious.
•  •  •
The Oregon Coast TODAY is a paper devoted to attractions in Lincoln and Tillamook counties and because of this I try to stay within these boundaries when I write about things of interest, and places to go. But sometimes I must break out and tell you about things out in the big wide world. So here are a few items.
Whenever I am in Hoquiam, Wash., at breakfast time I head for the Oriole. In point of fact the sign on the front says “Forever the Oriole.” The building was probably built in the 1920s or before and features one of those stamped metal ceilings that were in vogue. This is a “good ol’ boy” hangout, with two tables of coffee drinkers. The food is great and the service is very friendly. It’s across the street from the Sixth Avenue Theatre.
On a recent trip through Gearhart, Ore., I stopped for breakfast at a restaurant that I had passed many times. The name is Grandma’s and it is on Hwy. 101, next to the liquor store. Big slices of homemade bread toast and country fried potatoes that were Yukon Golds, a first for me. The staff was the family and the service was great. I highly recommend Grandma’s
Near the State Capitol in Salem is a restaurant called the Sassy Onion, famous thereabouts for their French toast. It’s very popular after church on Sundays. They also are caterers and their Web site even lists all of the venues in Salem that provide space for get-togethers that call for catered meals. I had great breakfast sausage. I plan to return soon.
While we’re talking about Salem, I can also recommend Bentley’s Grill in the Phoenix Grand Hotel. It is a bit noisy but the food more than makes up for that shortcoming. The hotel itself is beautiful and is located downtown near all of the stores and sights.
If you are in Portland in the early afternoon and are hungry I would aim you at one of the many Gustav’s restaurants. Their Happy Hour prices are great and I could eat their fondue forever.
Finally I would mention a non-eating establishment. If you are passing through South Bend, Wash., on Hwy. 101, stop and see the Pacific County Courthouse. Be sure to go inside and marvel at the architecture, done the old fashioned way. A note of caution: Don’t speed in South Bend, because it could get expensive. One evening, we saw five police cars.
•  •  •
The Fraud Division of The Sandy Phoenix Insurance Company has openings available for experienced or inexperienced sales people. Our new Tsunami Insurance is selling like hotcakes and you can experience big earnings. Currently we have opening in Colorado, North Dakota and Wyoming. It is possible to make $1,000 a day if you leave town before the sheriff arrives.


Hop online to go clubbin' with H. Paul

[Posted Sept. 9, 2009]

Let me tell you of the yearly calendar of events in Portland. Keep this handy, as it is very concise.
Spring weekends: All Portlanders ride their bikes to Waterfront Park to drink beer and eat at the weekly festivals.
Summer weekends: All Portlanders ride their bikes to Waterfront Park to drink beer and suffer in the heat.
Fall weekends: All Portlanders ride their bikes to Waterfront Park for three months of Octoberfest.
Winter weekends: All Portlanders ski to Pioneer Square to drink hot toddies and wine.
Every Thursday: All Portlanders ride their bikes to the Pearl District to drink wine and be seen.
• • •
It is very important today to always wear the correct clothing. If you are over the age of two, you cannot touch any kind of sporting equipment without a complete uniform. With this in mind I have decided that when I am writing this column I should be properly attired. Therefore, if I am writing about a restaurant I should wear a chef’s apron and hat. If I am writing about the beauty of the Oregon coast, I should first make a stop at Eddie Bauer and get a complete set of hiking clothes. Finally if I write anything funny, I should wear a clown suit or possibly a jester’s uniform. If I write anything about my family, I should wear a suit of armor.
• • •
Did you say that you want to be an ad copywriter in an advertising agency? Well try this on for size and see if you measure up. “Phi’s designer, Andreas Melbostad, redefines the staple garment with Phi’s signature irreverent styles. Meticulously tailored and sculpted, the fall collection is assertive and exacting — aerodynamically engineered with precise anatomical construction — while exuding ultimate femininity and gracefulness.” Did I mention that they are talking about women’s clothes? I found this excerpt in Vanity Fair. You should see the wind-blown models.
• • •
After 32 years of living here I can say with certainty that the beach promotes love. I have observed that people who don’t speak to each other during the year are found walking hand in hand at sunset on the shore. People romping in the sand and couples nestled behind a log looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. Did you know that the first honeymoon in the state of Oregon was in Lincoln City, by Rev. Jason Lee and his bride and another couple who rode horses over the Coast Range?
• • •
One of our favorite restaurants in Newport is Georgie’s Beachside Grill. This is part of the Hallmark Resort and offers beautiful views from their oceanfront location. We especially like to have breakfast there if we are driving south along the coast. One of my favorite breakfast dishes is called Joe’s Special and if memory serves I think that this is a transplant from a chain of restaurants in the Bay Area all called Joe’s. Joe’s Special features eggs, ground beef, spinach and onions and is quite delicious. See you there.
• • •
For golfers who desire first class equipment but have a limited budget I recommend a web site called Callaway Pre-owned. The Callaway Company reconditions their clubs and sells them used. The savings are fantastic. I was told about this site by Rudy, the golf pro at Chinook Winds Golf Resort. I am now considering getting a set of reconditioned irons. The golfers in the Friday morning league better watch out.
• • •
Now I am going to tell you about the world of television. The owners of TV stations hire their nephews to manage the commercials shown on the station. These persons dropped out of school in the ninth grade and their main duty is scheduling. Once the ads are set up, these people tell their assistants to run them the same every day and proceed to go to Bermuda for three months. This is why you see the same ads every day for the same product at the same times during the evening news. I think 90 percent are for medicines. Ask your doctor if arsenic is right for you.
• • •
You might not know that many years ago Lincoln City was formed from five towns. One of the towns was named Taft and the locals know its location. My 11-year-old granddaughter, Grace Bruncke, wrote a poem about President Taft.
    William Howard Taft
    Got stuck in a bath
    He was not the size of a mouse
    As he lay stuck in the White House


Bruncke would Thai the knot all over again
[Posted Aug. 26, 2009]

Do you watch professional golf on TV? The experts who talk relentlessly during the match are always analyzing the swing of golfers, especially Tiger Woods. I will attempt to give you an example of their chat. “Note that at the top of his swing his left arm is parallel to the large maple tree guarding the tee box. His waist is parallel to the equator, and at no time do the cleats on the soles of his shoes unscrew.” “This is very important.” “When putting, his hands describe a perfect triple ‘W.’ He learned this when he was a wee child.” Have you ever watched professional golf with the sound turned off?
• • •
The Oregon coast is blessed with a multitude of fine restaurants. We have Italian, Japanese, Chinese, French, seafood, American, barbecue and every other type you can imagine. Now it is time to sing the praises of Thai restaurants, especially two in Lincoln City: Jasmine and Andaman. A recent visit to the Andaman restaurant introduced me to a dish called Ta Lay (I’m not sure about the spelling), a seafood stew with wonderful aromas and tastes. The staff at this restaurant provides Thai food in a number of different combinations, so that if you tend away from the very spicy they can accommodate you by adjusting the heat. The presentation of the food is wonderful. My wife and her friends recently dined at the Jasmine Thai restaurant and found the food to be of high quality. Vegetarians can be assured that both restaurants can serve their needs.
• • •
Those of you that have lived on the central Oregon Coast for some years have watched a progression of restaurants inhabit the same space in Lincoln City. Some of the names have been Audrey’s, Beverly’s, and the Beach Pancake House. Following extensive remodeling, the space has now been reborn under two names, Vivian’s Restaurant and Bill’s Barbecue. I had the opportunity to have breakfast there and found a large menu including a light-eaters section, which I prefer. The breakfast was well done and the service was fine. Try out the most recent addition to the coastal eating scene.
• • •
Everywhere you look on the Oregon coast there are bookstores. Probably the most famous is Robert’s Bookshop, in the Nelscott area of Lincoln City, which is frequented by book collectors from all over the world. There are probably as many used bookstores as new bookstores in the area. I am especially fond of Allegory Books in the Salishan Market Place in Gleneden Beach. Helen and her staff are ready and able to provide you with any book in print. I am probably partial to the Allegory because it is close to my home, but the ambience draws me. I can always buy a book, cross the sidewalk and read it while enjoying the fine drinks at Coast Roast.
• • •
Next June my wife and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary and we have decided to return to our home state of Minnesota for the event. One of the places that figured in our early life was a very large park called Como Park, in St. Paul. This park has a lake, a zoo, a golf course, a conservatory and a children’s park area. My sister in Minnesota has done some research about a picnic shelter in the park, where we would like to have a family gathering. It seems to be very popular. She was told she would have to wait until next January to apply for the shelter and then our name would be placed in a lottery. Answer: a rented tent in my sister’s back yard.
• • •
Certain TV channels feel it is their duty to keep putting little pictures and messages at the bottom of the screen. They usually keep advertising programs that they couldn’t get anyone to watch. Then they announce that it is really funny.
Now I’m going to tell you just who is responsible for the little pictures each day. The answer is trolls. They live in the basement of the TV networks, such as TBS and AMC, and they live on scraps from the cafeteria. Their goal is to see just how obnoxious they can be by placing these ads at the exact moment of most suspense on the regular program. Congress should consider a bounty on trolls.


Alarm! We have graham cracker shrinkage!
Posted Aug. 11, 2009

Recently, my wife and I enjoyed the following eateries: the Otis Café for breakfast, Timberline Lodge for lunch, and McDonald’s in Sandy for dinner. We stopped at the Otis Café because USA Today says it has the best for breakfast in the country.
I have always wanted to eat at Timberline Lodge and when we pulled into the parking lot it appeared that getting to food was a daunting task. Being elderly and handicapped, we almost gave up when my wife spotted a sign that said “Elevator to Lodge” in the modern building south of the lodge. We entered and proceeded to the far end and found an elevator that took us up two stories and when we exited we were in the parking lot across from the ground floor of the lodge. Again we saw a sign that said “Handicapped,” and we entered the lodge and found another elevator that took us to the lobby level. We asked a young lady how we could get to either the Cascade room above or the Ramshead Bar on the balcony above the Cascade room. She directed us to an elevator across the lobby and upon exiting we found five stairs and we were in the bar. They have a great menu. I enjoyed the best tomato soup I have ever eaten, made with fire-roasted tomatoes, which was the soup du jour. Even if you have trouble getting around, give it a try.
• • •
Years ago, when I was dabbling in the Latin language, I found a word that has come to mean the main reason people get married and that word is “propinquity.” Propinquity means nearness and the theory is that if you live near, work with, or go to school with a person your odds are better for a relationship. I was watching the movie “Carmen Jones” with Harry Belafonte and Dorothy Dandridge, when I heard Dorothy say, “If you have a gal in another town, you ain’t got no gal at all.” This is a variation on propinquity. Remember, if your gal goes off to college, just say adios.
• • •
I would like to say a word for unsung heroes, i.e. those diligent workers who keep track of golf league scores and publish them in the paper. At Chinook Winds Golf Resort, Tom Correia and Dan Summers fall into that category. A big thank you. While in a golf mode, I would like to pass along a little gem from Jim Burr, aka Pictureman. Jim says that an avid golfer is a person who puts on a golf glove before his pants.
• • •
I will now explain what an environmental impact statement is. This is a paper prepared by a group of people sitting around a big table drinking Starbucks lattés and earning $100 per hour per person. They are supposed to decide what the future holds in store. Let us talk about the decision by the Oregon Legislature to require all gasoline to contain 10 percent ethanol. Was there an environmental impact statement? Did they foresee that my car now gets lousy mileage and therefore I need to buy more gasoline? Did they foresee that the cost of all corn food products would go up? Did they foresee that some ethanol plants have already gone bankrupt, because of a greedy glut? It is my opinion that all environmental impact statements are pure fiction created by greedy vipers. Yes, vipers.
• • •
Recently I read that the Frito-Lay Company had increased the amount of product in their packages. I applaud these folks and their effort to help the American people in this recession. On the other hand, I note that if you don’t act soon when you buy Nabisco Honey Maid graham crackers, you won’t find anything in the package.
I’ve been eating these crackers for decades and they are shrinking at an alarming rate. The same is true for the individual packages of cereal marketed by Kellogg’s. The box is just as big, but the cereal is shrinking. Watch out!
• • •
There is a golfing renaissance occurring on the central Oregon Coast. Jody Picconi, superintendent at Chinook Winds, is upgrading the course and the new fluffy sand in the traps attest to that. A few years ago, Salishan had a major overhaul under the creative talent of Peter Jacobsen. In the past two years, Olalla Valley in Toledo renovated its fairways and greens.
The most dramatic transformation has taken place at Crestview Hills in Waldport. The genius that designed Bandon Dunes has radically redesigned this course. Every hole has changed, and there are big traps, two water holes, and undulating greens that really test you. The grass on the greens is really beautiful. A new building has been erected to house the pro shop and restaurant. See you there.
There's no Free Stick in this world

[Published July 31, 2009]

It has taken me some time to recover from the shock. You might remember the July 3 edition of this media giant and recall the cover picture of four children eating Pronto Pups. In addition, on page 15 was a picture of Ethan Price, also eating a Pronto Pup. What was so disturbing? I will tell you: there was not a sign of any mustard on these delightful creations. This was a catastrophe of biblical proportions. It is against the laws of nature to eat a Pronto Pup without mustard. Now, you might say, “How about catsup/ketchup (whichever)?” and I say to you “Anathema.” No one in his or her right mind would ever put ketchup on a Pronto Pup. I am still recovering from these two photos and I pray that this error never returns to the pages of Oregon Coast TODAY or any other publication. I have eaten Pronto Pups since I was an itty bitty child. Get yours at the Pronto Pup stand in Otis.
• • •
On the evening news each day, we see breaking news stories and the picture contains about 15 policemen standing around talking in groups while five or six police cars are parked at odd angles, with their lights rotating on their roofs. This usually goes on for a long time.
I would like to make a suggestion. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to hire some temps, dress them like police men, and let them stand around and thus allow the real policemen to go and do real police business? Volunteers might possibly be used for this not-so-hazardous duty.
• • •
Do you like dogs? Do you like pictures of dogs? Then the Beach Dog restaurant is for you. Owners Sonja and Roger serve breakfast and lunch with an accent on various types of sausages (dogs) and they are the most accommodating people on earth. I must warn you that every inch of the building is covered with dog pictures. This could lead to a very unusual thing, namely Sonja might tape a picture of a collie on your lapel when you aren’t looking. Be alert. Always have someone check the back of your jacket before you leave. The Beach Dog is located in the Taft district of Lincoln City.
• • •
On networks such as the Science Channel you find programs about huge construction projects; bridges, hotels, dams, and tunnels. The filmmakers always have to resort to some type of conflict to make these otherwise dull programs exciting. I will give you an example. The company is building the biggest bridge on earth, across the Mississippi in Louisiana. This bridge will have 10 lanes, with lanes for bicycles and trains. Now is the time for some conflict. It seems that there is a swarm of bees in Wisconsin and they are heading for Louisiana. Will the crew be able to finish the bridge before the bees arrive, assuming that they are even going in that direction?
• • •
While enjoying the delights of a Dove ice cream bar I noted that the company had embossed their name on the stick. This reminded me of my youth and the advertising gimmick known as the Free Stick. Popsicles, Dreamsicles, Creamsicles and a confection called a Cherrio that was vanilla ice-cream covered in chocolate, and came in boxes of 12. In each box there was one confection that had Free Stick imprinted on the holder. When you had eaten the ice-cream and revealed the words, Free Stick, you took the stick to a store and were given a free confection. Getting a Free Stick was a big deal in those days.
• • •
Those in the know in the world of sportsmanship say that the United American National Bass Fishermen Association is considering a change in the rules for their tournaments. Henceforth dynamite will be allowed in all tournaments, but there will be a limit of only three sticks. You heard it here first.
• • •
I have the honor to announce that the management of this media giant has seen fit to promote me to the position of Foreign Correspondent. I immediately asked Editor Niki if I was going to Istanbul, or Buenos Aires? She quickly responded that this promotion included reporting on Florence and Astoria. She also noted that gas money and motel funds were not available at this time. Oh well. I guess I will have cards printed.


Bruncke: Ain't he tweet?
I would assume that a person who Twitters is a twit. Do you remember, in the movie “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” that the actress playing the part of Violet Beauregarde called Veruca Salt a twit? This might give you a notion that a person who twitters is a person resembling Veruca Salt, who is the personification of nitwits. (Editor’s Note: Check us out on Twitter! twitter.com/octoday.)
•  •  •
You innocently enter a restaurant, are seated and presented with a menu. If you find an item called a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich, be alerted. Check the description for the preparation of the beef. If the menu says “sliced,” head for the hills. A true Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich is made from SHAVED beef. Go to Philadelphia and check this out.
•  •  •
Every day you get ads in the mail for credit cards that give you frequent flier miles. Sounds really good, huh? Have you ever tried to use frequent flier miles? If you are willing to fly in a Ford tri-motor airplane whose top speed is 100 mph and you can leave at midnight, they have a free flight for you. This will only cost you 150,000 miles, plus extra fees for any baggage that you have, and the meals are $25. Remember the frequent flier miles are good on any airline (they all have Ford tri-motors).
•  •  •
If you are a regular reader of this column, then you know that I frequently steal from The Edge column in the Oregonian. To be more specific, I steal when they publish winners in the Bulwer-Lytton contest at the San Jose State University English department. Bulwer-Lytton was famous for writing bad prose. The contest asks the participants to write the opening line of a novel. I was attracted to the following winner.
“The droppings of the migrating Canada geese just missed the outdoor revelers at the inaugural Asian math puzzle competition, marking the first time that dung flew over the Sudoku Fest.”
•  •  •
If you travel up Hwy. 101 through Washington and you are the proud possessor of children, I recommend that you take a few moments to stop in Raymond, where you can visit one of the most interesting and unusual playgrounds in the country. The playground is about two blocks west of the highway in the downtown area. To be specific, it is a half block north of the intersection of 5th and Duryea, next to the municipal pool. You won’t be disappointed.
•  •  •
Introducing a new member of the Oregon Coast art galleries. I refer to The Rowboat Gallery in Pacific City, across the aisle from Village Merchants. To get there, you must travel about 100 yards north of the stoplight on Brooten Road and look to your left. Parking is on the north side of the building.
Spearheading this gallery are members of the Schlicting family of Neskowin, known to the arts community for years. The gallery features a large variety of works including paintings, glassware, jewelry, tiles, ceramics and graphic arts (printmaking). You will find items for every purse. The owners are friendly and informative.
Lots of good things to eat in Pacific City will help you detour from your journey up or down Hwy. 101.
•  •  •
I found a very humorous sign on a street-sweeper in Aberdeen, Wash. The sign said: “Caution – Operator Has Mind in Gutter.” While I’m in the neighborhood, I will mention that while enjoying a meat-sa-pizza at Geppetto’s in Montesano, Wash., we watched a deer walk in front of the restaurant window and across the main street. The next day we had lunch at Lana’s Hangar Café in Hoquiam, a favorite for the past 19 years, where Betty Boop is queen.
•  •  •
There are five golf courses in Lincoln County, Ore., and I bet you can’t name them. OK, I’ll tell you. Starting at the north end there, there is Chinook Winds Casino Resort course in Lincoln City, then south of Lincoln City is Salishan. Newport has the Agate Beach course; Toledo features Olalla Valley and in Waldport offers the newly redesigned Crestview Hills. Each has its own special features. Check out the heart shaped No. 8 green at Olalla Valley.


Paul's heart aches, for 'I have ate'

[Posted June 30, 2009]

According to the tide tables in this media giant, my tide clock is correct to the minute. I owe it all to Jerry Melin and Dick Anderson. Was that a little statue of Neptune, the God of the Sea, that I saw on Dick’s dashboard?
• • •
My wife and I celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary the other day at one of our favorite eating establishments, Tidal Raves in Depoe Bay. I got to sit right in front of the dessert menu chalkboard. Lucky me. I was distracted all through the meal. Does tiramisu ring any bells? I read on imdb.com that the movie “The Burning Plain,” which was filmed at Tidal Raves might come out in September. Can’t wait to see Charlize Theron.
• • •
While we are on the topic of restaurants, I would like to comment on reviews of restaurants that you find on the Internet. Here are two that I found recently. “I have ate here twice now.” This person undoubtedly just left their grammar class. The next one? “The person that wrote the first review is an idiot.” I prefer to ignore these reviews and talk to the locals about their favorites.
• • •
I would like to congratulate the Pepsi-Cola company for the best sign I’ve seen in years. There, on the back of their big semi truck, they have emblazoned the great words “Sody Pop.” Keep up the good work, folks.
• • •
England is beset by a huge problem. Pubs are closing because of taxes and other financial problems. Hundreds have closed and, in some instances, the local folks have reopened them themselves. Don’t worry too much though, there are still 57,000 pubs left. My wife and I have been in English pubs that opened in the 1300s, but our most memorable visit was to The Lamb, in London, which was frequented by Charles Dickens. Above the bar were two photos of the Queen Of England “pulling a pint” behind the bar.
• • •
Here are a few things to look for when you are watching TV and they are trying to sell you something.
1. Are there little tiny words at the bottom of the screen that you need a magnifying glass to see?
2. Do the little tiny words disappear in two seconds, so that you can never read them but their lawyers can say they informed you?
3. Are the people in the commercials so pure and honest looking that you would think they just stepped out of an Andrew Wyeth painting? Watch out. They would say that the Earth is made out of marshmallows if they got enough money.
4. Are the people in the background walking purposely from one side of the room to the other? This is especially true in car ads where it looks like they are going to buy five cars at once.
5. Does the commercial say that you must call in five minutes to get a special deal? Remember this ad is on 20 times a day for weeks.
6. Do you think that a little piece of plastic is worth over $60, if it stops your snoring?
• • •
Soon you will be seeing Fiat motorcars on the road as the Chrysler-Fiat merger proceeds. Perhaps you would like to know what Fiat stands for because you thought it meant “let it be done.” Well, here is the straight word. Fiat stands for Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino, which means Italian Automobile Factory of Turin.
• • •
Every day on the local news channels they ask you to vote on some question. You are to text your answer and the vote will be tabulated for a later news program. In keeping with this useless exercise, I present the following:
1. I love Nut Goodie Candy Bars
2. I hate Nut Goodie Candy Bars
3. What the h__l are Nut Goodie Candy bars?
Send your answers to the Pearson Candy Company.


Shifting Geres: From Richard to transmissions

[Posted June 16, 2009]

Do you remember a few years ago when Walmart advertised that all of the items sold in their stores were made in America? Well, now their stores in China can report that all of their items in the store are made in China.
• • •
Welcome to the Sandy Phoenix Car Warranty site. Remember that for anywhere from $1,000 to $5,000 you can feel completely at ease with your older car. Let us imagine that the windshield wipers are old and stiff and they scratch your windshield. Well, don’t worry. Sandy Phoenix Car Warranty will replace them at no expense to you. You say that your transmission is leaking fluid and won’t shift from first to second? Have you read the fine print in your contract?
• • •
There is an older movie that runs a lot on TV called “Runaway Bride,” with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. This movie is supposed to take place in a town called Hale, which is known for its peaches. As you watch the film there are scenes that take place outside the town. In all of these scenes, what you see are cornfields. There isn’t a single orchard. Have they developed peaches that grow on cornstalks?
• • •
When surfing the channels I usually sneak a peak at a really weird channel, namely GemsTV. They produce a 24-hour show called a jewelry auction, except it is backwards. They might start with a ring that they claim is worth $24,000, but they will sell to you for $3,000 and as you watch it drops to $2,000. I am always over-awed by the shiny metal in the jewelry. Patina?
• • •
Do you know how much Americans spend on their lawns each year? I’ll tell you: $40 billion. Beside the cost, there is the pollution from the lawn mower engines, the fertilizer and insecticides, that are leaching into the nearby water systems, and the millions of man-hours spent working on the lawns, and the billions of gallons of precious water wasted, especially in water-poor area such as California. Is it worth it?
• • •
Would you like to see a most beautiful garden, just a stone’s throw from the ocean? I am referring to Shore Acres State Park, just west of Coos Bay. Many years ago an entrepreneur named Louis Simpson built a beautiful house and a garden filled with species from around the world. The house burned down and was rebuilt, but that in turn fell into disrepair, and was razed. The State of Oregon bought the property and has maintained the wonderful garden. Each holiday season the park has a holiday lighting display from Thanksgiving through the end of December. My wife and I never tire of viewing the garden at different times of the year. There is a gift shop, with a very knowledgeable staff. Cape Arago State Park and Sunset Bay State Park are nearby and well worth the trip.
• • •
Was that a group of vegetarians I saw standing on a corner selling Paula Deen dolls, complete with pins?
• • •
Here are a couple of quotes that I found.
“Wet spring had merged into bleak autumn. For months the sky had remained a depthless gray. Sometimes it rained, but mostly it was just dull. It was like living inside Tupperware.” — Bill Bryson
“There’s sand in the porridge and sand in the bed/And if this is pleasure we’d rather be dead.” — Noel Coward
• • •
You are invited to enter the Sandy Phoenix Talented Clothing Designer competition. The goal of the contest is to find the designer who can create the most outlandish outfit utilizing every color in the rainbow and every type of material, with a complete lack of design sense. The judges visualize plaids, leopard prints, platform shoes with sequins, boas, multiple necklaces, multiple bracelets, feathers and what-have-you. Those entrants using less than 44 different colors will be disqualified.
• • •
After I told you never to buy anything advertised on TV, you went ahead anyhow. Now you only have yourself to blame.


Posted June 3, 2009

Solar. Wind. Geothermal. Hair-flip.
Are you aware that there are people who take their clothes out of the dryer and actually fold their underwear before they put it in the drawer? I feel that this is a complete waste of time and effort. You merely sort the T-shirts from the briefs and shove them in two different drawers. This gives you more time to do sudoku puzzles.
• • •
Let us imagine that you work in Hollywood, in the film industry, and your name appears in the credits at the end of the movie, or sitcom or whatever. You sit and watch your handiwork on TV and at the end you wait for your name to appear. When it does it goes by at the speed of light and sometimes is pushed to the side of the screen. We all realize that your union fought long and hard to get everyone’s name in the credits including the person who drives the catering truck. Now you realize that the CEOs of the TV networks are not going to let those credits steal time from their moneymaking commercials, and so the blazing speed. You wanted to watch a Budweiser commercial anyhow, didn’t you?
• • •
I have just returned from Paducah, Ky., where I attended the National Manhole Cover convention. I was amazed to find out that the latest trend in manhole covers is to place them flush with the surface of the street. Of course the national Shock Absorber Association lobbyists were present to argue against the idea, stating that it would put them out of business. The shock absorber industry has a strong presence in both Newport and Lincoln City.
• • •
I just learned that Shucker’s bar and restaurant in the Taft area of Lincoln City is serving breakfast on Thursday through Sunday starting at 8 a.m. Our friends, John and Christine, raved about the food, especially the eggs Benedict.
• • •
The world is searching for new sources of energy. The Sandy Phoenix Research Laboratory has been working night and day to develop alternatives. We think that we have zeroed in on a new method to generate electricity. Now, please follow our logic. Today a majority of women have hairdos that have tresses hanging in their eyes. Every few seconds this requires the lady to sweep her hair out of her eyes with her hand or toss her head. Now if we could harness these motions and place a small generator on the lady’s shoulders, electricity could be produced. We feel that wires would not be needed because P.G. & E, in California, is experimenting with sending electricity through space. Sounds like our lab has a winner.
• • •
Do you like bacon? I will give you a tip. The best bacon on the central Oregon coast is to be found in the Sun Room at the Salishan Spa & Golf Resort.
• • •
Let us imagine that you are visiting the Oregon coast and you are in your hotel room and thinking about dinner. You open the drawer in the desk in your room, and pull out the telephone book and start looking up restaurants. It is at this point that I must warn you. It would seem that the people who write telephone books have a case of slipping ethics. These folks take old phone books and steal the names of eateries. I have found that this results in two different restaurants listed at the same address, one of which has been out of business for years. You might want to ask the person behind the registration desk at your motel if a certain restaurant actually exists. They might suggest a restaurant that really does exist.
I have another gripe about this industry. It would seem that telephone book companies have developed a new distribution technique in which they throw the book in your front yard. If you are on vacation for the month the book says,”Hey Mr. Robber, guess who is not home?”


Posted May 20, 2009:

Of contest pleas and mushy peas

I’ve had my first entry in my “When Will Starbucks Open on the Moon?” Contest.
Michael Davis predicted February 2016, but he qualified that by stating that there will actually be six clustered in one block. In addition he predicts that the rest of the moon will be covered with Wal-Marts, open 24 hours a day. Remember, the winner will have his/her picture on the cover of Time magazine. I guarantee it.
• • •
Carl and Millie Ehrman had an experience with coloring margarine, many years ago in Minnesota. Shortly after moving there from Wyoming, Millie went to the local grocery and asked the lady for “oley.” The lady said, “That’s my husband!”
• • •
In memory of Bulwer-Lytton, the world’s worst writer, the English Department of San Jose State has an annual contest to see who can write the worst opening sentence for a novel. The Oregonian printed a few recently. Here is one.
“Vowing revenge on his English teacher for making him memorize Wordsworth’s ‘Intimations of Immortality,’ Warren decided to pour sugar in her gas tank, but he inadvertently grabbed a sugar substitute, so it was actually Splenda in the gas.”
• • •
Those of us who live on the central Oregon coast are extremely lucky to be surrounded by some of the most beautiful scenery in the country. Occasionally some of our friends and relatives come to visit and the one thing that you hear them say is, “Now we know why you live here.” I would like to point out one of the most outstanding views on the coast, in my opinion, and that is the view from Boiler Bay State Park to the north towards Lincoln City. Boiler Bay, named after a ship’s boiler that can be seen from the park, is on the north end of Depoe Bay. It is a favorite spot to view whales and many people fish from the rocks. A word of warning, be careful entering or leaving the park, since it is on a blind curve.
• • •
Let us discuss the English phenomenon of mushy peas. Why would the United Kingdom invent such a food? I will give you my explanation. Please remember that, in England, you eat with the knife in the right hand and the fork in the left hand, upside down. Now if you had normal peas, they would all roll off of the inverted fork; however, if you mush the peas up they will stick to the fork. Voila! My wife and I particularly remember having mushy peas in Greenwich, together with pasties and our choice of brown or “green” gravy.
• • •
Many times my father reminded me that infinity was symbolized by “a little eight lying down.” It is my opinion that there are only two items that are infinite. One would be the universe and the other would be the number of time outs in an NBA basketball game. You hear the announcer report that there are only two time outs left, and then you sit through 30 or 40 more. Something is wrong with the math. Of course when you realize that the NBA players’ union has a paragraph that states that no player shall walk or run more than 50 steps without a time out, it explains a lot.
• • •
It seems that the world is rife with Ponzi schemes. Now let us examine the life span of a Ponzi scheme. When you analyze the concept, it becomes clear that the scheme will die when you finally reach the least greedy people in the country. When there are no greedy people left to join the scheme, you run out of money to pay the members, and it will dry up, unless someone blows the whistle. Then, Mr. Madoff, look in your pocket for your “Get out of jail free” card.
• • •
Each day I turn on the computer and look at five or six Internet news sites. Some of these, such as The Washington Post are ad-free, but most have ads bouncing and jiggling all over the place. As they appear, they change the page and move the type you are reading. They are a huge pain in the neck. Did you know that hell is 10,000 Billy Mayses selling 10,000 products at once at the top of their voices?


Madden, signing off?

[Posted May 7, 2009]
When you read this, it will be old news, because I write this column three weeks in advance. What I am referring to is the retirement of John Madden from the world of football broadcasting.
I have always felt that John was absolutely the best commentator in all of football. Others yell and scream and give out endless platitudes and clichés and tell us all the things that each team “must” do to win. This is true for almost all sports, except possibly for the announcers at the Masters tournament, who speak as if they are in a cathedral. I really hope that John decides to come back for another year.
•  •  •
Would you like to be in a position to get an annual bonus in the millions? Take this little test. If you answer no to any question you are in eligible for the “Big bucks.”
1. Did you go to prep school and not just high school?
2. Did you go to an Ivy League College?
3. Did you belong to a “frat”?
4. Did you get a “C” average?
5. Do you play golf?
6. Do you play tennis?
7. Did Daddy buy you  a Lexus for graduation?
8. Can you tie your own shoes?
•  •  •
Do you know where Elkton, Ore., is? In the public interest I will tell you that it is about 35 miles up the Umpqua River from Reedsport and about 20 miles from Sutherlin and Interstate 5. You might ask why I am telling you all of this. Well, I have a purpose. My wife and I found the greatest bakery in Elkton. The name is Tomaselli’s Pastry Mill and Café, and they have been there for 26 years. If you are nearby at mealtime, stop in. I guarantee you won’t get past the pastry counter without salivating. The breakfast menu we saw (which, by the way, is called the “Le Menyou”) was laden with interesting combinations, plus all the old standbys.
•  •  •
Every day, when I am driving, I see people going down the road with a handicapped card hanging from their rear view mirror. Did you know that is against the law? It obstructs vision: a car can be hiding behind that card. Word to the wise.
•  •  •
The Lincoln City Cultural Center, formerly Delake School, has been going through a transformation and the results are wonderful. My wife and I recently attended a jazz concert in the building and the performers, who had been playing together for 39 years and have produced 62 CDs, raved about the auditorium and the acoustics. I would recommend touring the rest rooms, which are very different from the days of third graders. They did tear out the carpet in one room that my wife picked out many years ago in her teaching days.
•  •  •
We have just returned from our annual trip to Ashland and the Shakespeare Festival. One of the plays we saw was titled “The Servant of Two Masters” and I can’t remember laughing so hard. It was staged in the New Theatre and was in the round. We had front row seats, and I think that being sprayed with atomized water by an actor one foot away is a first for us. The play is a three-ring circus.
•  •  •
People, more specifically, women, will apply almost any substance to their skin to beautify their appearances. I have read of mud baths and even the use of manure. With this in mind I offer a new concept in spas. This would be a Road Kill Spa. It is a recognized fact that road kills are flattened by many automobiles and numerous semis. If you take a substance that has been flattened and apply it to wrinkly skin, doesn’t it stand to reason that the road kill will act on the wrinkles, and remove them? Voila! The cost of a treatment will be $400, but if you provide your own road kill the price would be $375.
•  •  •
Many thanks to Jerry Melin and Dick Anderson for their information about the fickle tides on the West Coast. My tide clock chugs on, but the ocean ignores it.



Early experience leads Bruncke to cast a jaundiced eye at margarine ads

[Posted April 22, 2009]

I wish to announce a tremendous new contest. Please submit your estimate of the date that the first Starbucks opens on the moon. I believe that within a few years there will be a Starbucks, a Wal-Mart, a McDonald’s and a Costco on the moon. To enter the contest send your estimate to the e-mail address at the end of this column. There is no monetary prize, but I guarantee that your picture will be on the cover of Time magazine. You carry it from there.
• • •
In my youth, growing up in Minnesota, the dairy farmers had a great lobby. You could not buy yellow oleo margarine. What you bought was a plastic bag filled with white oleo, which also contained a capsule of yellow dye. You squeezed the bag and broke the capsule and kneaded it throughout the bag. Where is this leading? I look with interest at the TV ads for margarine products and in the ads the person spreads some on a muffin, or on bread. Have you noticed that the spread never melts? It just sits there and looks icky.
• • •
We recently enjoyed the final concert of the Newport Symphony Orchestra season. However, there are three free concerts In July. Adam Flatt is a wonderful and most enjoyable conductor, and the musicians are spectacular. My wife and I finally became smart enough to be season ticket holders for the symphony’s 20th anniversary year. A high point was the concert conducted by the film actor David Ogden Stiers. When the symphony announces the sale of tickets for the coming year, get on board. The concerts are just about set.
• • •
One of the most frustrating things about living on the Oregon Coast is the utter lack of Trader Joe’s markets. It’s either Portland or Eugene, and an ice chest in the trunk. Just to make our frustrated desires worse, we have subscribed to the Trader Joe’s newsletters. In the past they were called the Fearless Flyers, but the latest was called the Culinary Compendium. The people who write these gems are masters of their craft and everything sounds mouth-watering. Just received Consumer Reports and, in an article on supermarket chains, Trader Joe’s is number 2. Safeway is 44. Trader Joe’s, please build a store in Newport. Lincoln City doesn’t allow ‘big box’ stores.
• • •
Had a birthday the other day, celebrated by eating at two of my favorite restaurants, The Beach Dog and the Bay House, both in Lincoln City.  While dogs are not my favorite pets, I am amazed by the mass of pictures on the walls at The Beach Dog. Sonia and Roger are the most accommodating people on earth. They will make any combination of breakfast foods for their customers and do it with care and taste. Roger is a master chef. I especially admire their potatoes.
As to the Bay House, what is there to say? It is the best. Owner Steve Wilson tends to your every desire and the thing that astounds me is the size of the portions. Many first quality restaurants give you a matchbook size portion and then squirt sauces around the plate. Not at the Bay House. My very large portion of scallops contained the most melt-in-your-mouth delicacies I had ever eaten. The wine list is second to none. I love the new lounge area. Long live The Beach Dog and the Bay House.
• • •
I would like to introduce Superduperum, a new medication. Unfortunately, we have not zeroed in on the disease it is supposed to cure; however, you should be aware of the following after-effects. Don’t drive a car or ride on a skateboard, or do the backstroke. You might experience a heart attack, 100 percent bodily eczema, ankle weakness when ice skating, and a burning sensation after eating buffalo wings. Ask your doctor if Superduperum is right for you
• • •
If you were a huge oil company and everybody hated you, you would do the following. Tell everyone that you are 105 percent for the environment and alternate sources of energy. You would tell everyone that you are spending $10 million on research into new energy sources. You would spend this in the following way. You would budget $100,000 for research and $9,900,000 on TV ads telling everyone that you are for the environment. That’s how it is done.
• • •
In a recent TODAY, Niki referred to this as a humor column. If that is so, I had better stop writing about food because, to me, food is not a laughing matter.

Ink in his veins no more?

[Posted April 7, 2009]

Jan Harbert, a resident of Coronado Shores, drives past the presently-shuttered Pines Restaurant in Lincoln City. The Pines suffered from a massive fire and has been closed for several months; however, the sign out at the street’s edge still remains, announcing specials and karaoke. Jan notes that people turn in constantly to dine and are denied a meal. This causes Jan to smile, grin, giggle, laugh, chuckle, chortle, snicker, titter and guffaw, possibly in that order.
• • •
I am baffled, not by the tides but by the tide tables that are published in this media giant. Our former neighbors, upon moving to Palm Desert, Calif., gave us a tide clock that even has an ocean chart of the Lincoln City area for a face. When we received the clock we adjusted it for that day’s tide and away we went. Now comes the puzzling part. I check the clock against the tides listed in this paper and while the low tide can be right on the high tide can be off one and a half hours. Could someone explain what is happening?
• • •
My sister, Marilyn, told me about an English author that writes humorous sci-fi novels. I bought one and she sent me one, which I am currently reading. I admire writers who are very creative and I will tell you that Terry Pratchett has one of the most creative minds I’ve ever run into. The title of the book I am reading is “Going Postal.”
• • •
I hereby pledge eternal allegiance to the Chicago Cubs through thick and thin, and no matter what happens in the future I will be faithful.
Signed, Yours Truly.
P.S. My wife and I went to a Cubs game on our honeymoon 48 years ago.
• • •
It is with a sense of deep sadness that we mourn the passing of two of the best-known newspapers in the United States. Those would be the Seattle Post Intelligencer and the Denver Rocky Mountain News. I am a true believer in the role that newspapers play in our lives. We have been subscribers of the Oregonian for 40 years. I have a history of newspaper work, including co-editor of a college newspaper which was printed by the job shop of the Helena, Montana Independent Record, which was seen in “A River Runs Through It.” I had the opportunity to publish, edit, and be photographer for a paper sent to 5,000 teenagers in Minneapolis. I have written approximately 100 articles for the News Guard as well as writing a column for four years. I’ve also written articles for the News Times. The Prices currently allow me carte blanche to blather in this column, for which I am eternally grateful. Lord, please don’t make any more newspapers go away.
• • •
Sudoku is everywhere. The puzzles are rated by displaying a number of stars, one being easy, five extremely difficult. I have invented the ultimate Sudoku which consists in a usual pattern with only one number, which would be the number four in the exact center of the puzzle. This Sudoku would have a rating of 15 stars.
• • •
Most of you know that the Denny’s restaurant chain is known for menus that have large colorful pictures of their offerings. I can do better than that. I am referring to the cookbook that is sold by the Avanti Italian Cuisine in Lincoln City. This is a book of recipes accompanied by 8” x 10” full-color pictures of each, which just happen to be the menu offerings from the restaurant. Before each trip to the Avanti, I study the cookbook and salivate as I decide on my choice for that night. Sometimes it is very frustrating because it all looks so good.


Oklahoma? Paul would Sooner live in Helena

[Posted March 25, 2009]

Two weeks ago I presented the 10 most desirable places to live in the United States. Now it is time to present the 10 least desirable places as determined by a vast group of judges living at my house. Here goes.
1. Mahnomen, Minnesota
2. Wilmington, Delaware
3. Tunica, Mississippi
4. Butte, Montana
5. Honolulu, Hawaii
6. Gary, Indiana
7. Jersey City, New Jersey (Near the Sopranos)
8. Cleveland, Ohio
9. Fallon, Nevada
10. Anywhere in Oklahoma
• • •
Guess where I’ve been? I’ve been inside the new MRI machine at North Lincoln Hospital. Not once, but twice. The personnel are great and with a prism you can watch them while you try to subdue your claustrophobia. I highly recommend it.
• • •
I want you to know that there are more kinds of wine than pinot noir and chardonnay. Since I was born with a sweet tooth I have gravitated to Riesling. Now if you want to pursue the best in Riesling, look for the name Dr. Loosen pronounced (loh zen). In 2008 there was a great gathering of Riesling producers from the whole world at Chateau St. Michelle in Woodinville, Wash. Riesling is on the rise among wine connoisseurs. Get on board and try a great wine.
• • •
It is said that chewing gum has teeth cleaning properties, and that the particles of food adhere to the gum and are extracted. Now I take exception to this theory. I believe that instead of extracting the morsel I believe that the gum actually tamps the food in deeper. I can’t imagine why there has not been a huge government research grant to study this dilemma.
• • •
The Academy Awards are history and I question one of the choices. During a period of a couple weeks, I saw “Iron Man” and “The Dark Knight.” I thought that “Iron Man” was a delightful comic book story, and that Robert Downey Jr. was great. On the other hand, I was bored to death by “The Dark Knight,” as Heath Ledger talked and talked and talked. He spent the whole movie telling people what he was going to do. I guess he got an Academy Award for non-stop talking, and dying.
• • •
I enjoy eating breakfast at the Newport Steak and Seafood Restaurant. Great sausage patties and equally great home fries are but two items on a fine menu. Some mornings it is impossible to get a parking space because of group breakfasts. Wednesday is one of those. I guess you will just have to experiment.
• • •
Here is a Sandy Phoenix recession alert. It is time to seriously consider growing food during the coming summer. Be sure to get advice as to plants that will survive and bear fruit in your climate. You probably have an area in your yard that will support growing plants. Anybody can grow zucchini. Have you considered fruit trees? I heard that kiwi survives well in a coastal climate, but it needs a strong trellis.
• • •
It is time to consider which restaurant on the Central Oregon Coast has the best view of the ocean. Tidal Raves in Depoe Bay has such a great view that a motion picture company made a movie (“The Burning Plain”) on the premises. Fathoms, the restaurant at the Inn At Spanish Head, has a wonderful 10-story view of the ocean and Siletz Bay. But I nominate the restaurant at The Adobe Resort in Yachats for the most beautiful view. The dining area is curved and you are about 70 feet from a small cove with waves splashing and bountiful wildlife. The Adobe is a complete resort with lounge, pool, exercise machines, Jacuzzi and all Lottery games. My wife and I try to stay there a couple days each winter and watch the storms.
• • •
Old Town, in Florence, is a delightful mix of shops and restaurants. My wife and I like to frequent a very distinctive shop called “On Your Feet.” Take an old motion picture theatre and turn it into a shoe store. The owners are wonderful in assisting you and even ordering shoes for you. This is the opposite end of the shoe spectrum from the discount store where you sit on the floor and try on badly-made shoes.
The last time we visited, we ate in the quaint Bridgeview Restaurant. After we ordered, the next table received the greatest-looking onion rings I’ve ever seen.



Land of 10,000 Likes
H. Paul ranks Minnesota towns atop his list of faves

[Posted March 10, 2009]

“Pillaging, Drinking, Flogging, Wenching, Just Another Day on the Job” is emblazoned on the wall of Captain Dan’s Pirate Pastry Shop located on Hwy. 101 and SE 51st Street in Lincoln City. This reporter has sampled the Captain’s pies, tarts and candies and can report that he has found the flakiest crust in his memory. Espresso is available and a few tables are available for customers. Locals are making it a weekly stop for great food and drink.
• • •
Mazatlan Restaurants are everywhere. I’ve eaten in two in Aberdeen, Wash., one in Lincoln City, one in Depoe Bay, one in Newport and I’ve driven past one in Rockaway Beach. Each time that we have dined in one of these well-decorated cafes, we have noticed the uniform quality of the food and promptness of the servers. There are always luncheon specials and I have noticed that they are hangouts for the luncheon businesspeople. It is my experience that you can’t go wrong dining at a Mazatlan.
• • •
Periodicals such as Parade are forever making lists of the most desirable places to live in the United States. With a few explanations I am presenting my list.
1. Two Dot, Montana
2. Imbler, Oregon
3. Bath, Maine
4. Forks, Washington
5. Wall, South Dakota
6. Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina
7. Prior Lake, Minnesota (where my parents met)
8. Buhl, Minnesota (where my wife and I met)
9. Hibbing, Minnesota (where my wife’s parents met)
10. Kihei, Hawaii
Look for the least desirable in the next column.
• • •
Our friends, Christine and John agree that the outstanding Chinese restaurant in Newport is Kum Yon. This establishment is near the north end of the Yaquina Bay Bridge, and has an extensive menu. I’ve become quite partial to the lemon chicken. The portions are large and we are always taking home boxes of extra food. See you there.
• • •
My family knows that I am addicted to watching reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I think that one reason I like the program is that the audience is live and reacts appropriately. Recently, my sister was visiting and turned our attention to reruns of a program called “Two and a Half Men.” I quickly developed a hatred for the program with its laugh track. Hearing the exact same laughs time after time drives me to distraction.
• • •
For those Good ‘ol Boys among you, I offer the Sandy Phoenix Dirt Gun. Tired of driving out in the woods and trying to find a mud hole to drive through so that you might show to your friends a completely dirt-covered vehicle for their admiration? Simply buy my dirt gun and cover your vehicle in minutes. In addition, I offer a special on genuine Louisiana mud. A 5-pound pail is only $45. This mud is especially formulated to wash off easily in case you have to attend a wedding or a funeral.
• • •
I have recently been pondering the use of storage units in our culture. Does it really make sense to buy, buy, buy, and then to put everything in storage? If it is not being used daily, why do you own it? We read about auctions of the storage unit contents and note that the owners couldn’t even take it with them. Along these lines, do you ever pass a marina? They are always filled with yachts that aren’t going anywhere. Another example is the thousands of driveways that are filled with cars, trucks, snowmobiles, skidoos, motorcycles, boats and four-wheel drive units. Most of these are sitting idle. I would hate to see their credit card balances. We live in a wasteful world.
• • •
Tiger is back. Tiger is back. Tiger is back. The world can continue on its ride through the universe.


Like to keep score?
Trade in your T-ball for soccer practice

Please explain to me why the advertising world only produces creative ads for the Super Bowl and garbage the rest of the year.
• • •
The world is full of hash browns. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. I am going to tell you that the best hash browns in the world are at a secret location in Otis, Oregon. No matter how hard you try to get the location out me I will never tell. You may threaten me with waterboarding and other tortures, but I will never tell.
Oh, you say you will give me a Hydrox cookie if I tell? Well, OK, I’ll tell. The best hash browns in the world are prepared daily at the Otis Café, a café with a huge following. This café has been written about in the New York Times and USA Today. Now you might say, “Is that the only thing that they sell?” and I will point out the many great menu items and baked goods. The dark molasses bread is to die for. Remember: a little wait is well worth the effort.
• • •
I am mystified by something automotive. Why are all of the very expensive cars — Mercedes, Lexus, BMW, etc. — rear wheel or all wheel drive? I love front wheel drive cars, especially when driving through snow. Rear wheel drives tend to push the car sideways and swerve. Please tell me the advantages of rear wheel drive.
• • •
I have just invented a new survivor show for TV. In this show, 20 people will be placed in a Chuck E. Cheese location for 30 days. During this time there will be a minimum of five kids’ birthday parties with a minimum of 30 children. The last person remaining in the building will be awarded $1 million. Of course, there will be free mental health treatments for all contestants.
• • •
It is time to steal a peek at another selection of personal advertisements from the London Review of Books. I’ve been doing this for years because they bear no resemblance to the wishy-washy ads that appear in American newspapers, such as: “Woman 55, seeks man to go dancing, walk on the beach and have candlelight dinners.” Here is an advert from the most recent LRB. “Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. When you reply to this advert your life will never be the same again. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie.”
• • •
If you are a visitor to the Central Oregon Coast you have a good idea of the many things that you can partake in to make your visit even better. I would like to give you a list of activities that are available. Here goes. Golf (nine courses), tennis, horseback riding, surfing, surf sailing, scuba, fishing, hunting, shooting ranges, softball, bowling, rock-hounding, soccer, paragliding, hiking, birding, beachcombing, photography, beach volleyball, billiards, miniature golf, batting cages, crabbing, and whale watching, to name a few. For further information, check with visitor info offices, chambers of commerce or oregoncoasttoday.com.
• • •
Summer is coming and your little children can look forward with dread to T-ball. That is the famous non-athletic, non-competition that bores little children to death. They stand or sit in the field and make mounds of sand and when the ball is hit everyone runs to the ball and falls to the ground. Of course there is no score keeping because this would warp the little children by making them experience defeat. (Watch out kid, when you are 21!) Little children, if you have any influence at all, tell your parents that you want to play soccer.
• • •
There are voodoo, witchcraft, tarot cards, ouija boards and economics. Only the latter has departments in universities. It’s becoming increasingly clear that economists don’t know what they are talking about. The only factor that is really clear is that the current mess in the world is the result of massive greed, by people that we are supposed to trust: savings and loans, electric companies, mortgage companies, hedge fund directors and banks, to name a few. My advice is, suspect everyone. I recently noted on CNBC nine experts ready to state monetary clichés, all pictured at once. Who pays these people?



From tan jeers to the Hawk Creek Cafe, a tasty world tour
[Posted Feb. 11, 2009][

I am going to alert you to something that you might not be aware of. I am referring to tanning beds and other means of tanning. Tan is soooo yesterday. The new color is going to be blue. This involves you in climbing into some type of cooler, such as a freezer or refrigerator. Wait until you walk down the street and people will say, “oh, you are sooo blue,” or merely, “Nice Blue.” Wait to see if Vanity Fair catches on to this new fad.
• • •
Now to the business at hand. In a recent edition of this media giant the editor poked fun at the writings of this columnist by pointing out that the column featured a quantity of food related items. As a stern rebuke, this column will continue with only food related items. So there, too!
• • •
Have you ever been to Hoquiam, Wash.? More specifically, to Bowerman Field, the area airport? Then you have probably dined at Lana’s Hangar Café, a favorite of the citizens of Hoquiam, Aberdeen and Cosmopolis. At Lana’s you can watch airplanes take off and land or watch a Coast Guard helicopter disgorge a couple of pilots in their orange gear and huge helmets to come to Lana’s to get chocolate shakes. I think they call ahead on the radio. Meanwhile Lana’s staff is providing great food to the daily rush of luncheon diners. The décor is aircraft and Betty Boop memorabilia. My granddaughters love Lana’s.
• • •
Bentley’s Grill in Salem is a very popular new watering hole for the young set (people under 60). It is tucked away in the Phoenix Grand Hotel on Liberty Street. An open kitchen produces great food from a creative menu. I would say that the one drawback is the noise level, which in the early evening can be troublesome. The Phoenix Grand Hotel is a great addition to the Salem hotel scene, with a huge lobby and beautiful rooms. A nice place to stay and dine.
• • •
My wife and I have eaten dinner a few times at the Side Door Café in Gleneden Beach, but only recently did we have a chance to have lunch in that well-appointed building. I was overwhelmed by the diversity on the menu and had great difficulty choosing. This held true for the dessert menu also. The wait staff was friendly and knowledgeable and made our dining experience delightful. It might be very busy on the Fourth of July.
• • •
I have been chided by the ownership of the Hilltop Inn in Lincoln City for not mentioning pancakes and other menu items in this column. They even have a stockpile of the dreaded horseradish. I had the opportunity to watch the construction of the Hilltop and have been a regular customer from that time. I have always delighted in the senior menu, which was one of the first in the area. It is also a hangout for the “Good Ol’ Boys.”
• • •
At the Casa Mia Restaurant in Aberdeen, Wash., the usual salad is lettuce with black olives, parmesan cheese and dressing. My 11-year-old granddaughter doesn’t like the lettuce, only the other three items. Her order is, “Salad, please, and hold the lettuce.”
• • •
A friend just introduced me to a great eating idea. We were eating at the Sea Hag in Depoe Bay and everyone was ordering a favorite, halibut fish and chips. It was at this point that Christine said, “May I have onion rings instead of fries?” This sounded like a great idea and the waiter said “certainly.” I’m going to try that order at other seafood establishments. The Sea Hag has been serving great seafood for decades.
• • •
Neskowin is a great little town with lots to offer, including galleries, a golf course (that is often underwater), motels and the Hawk Creek Café. My wife loves this restaurant and its great menu featuring pizza to die for. I especially like the café because of the décor, namely the watercolors of Michael Schlicting. I feel that he is the greatest watercolor artist that I have ever seen in Oregon. If you love the beauty of the Oregon Coast you will love his paintings.


[Posted 1.29.09]

Let us celebrate. Let joyous noise be heard because it is the 100th anniversary of that wonderful concoction of the bakers art, namely the Hydrox Cookie. Some of you unknowingly think that Oreo cookies are the finest thing since white bread, but you are wrong. Hydrox cookies have been a favorite down through the ages. In my youth my friend Duane and I would hike in Glacier Park, Montana, and we would gauge the severity of the hike by the number of Hydrox cookies we would consume. Hydrox cookies have returned because many people have bombarded the company and even tried to circulate a petition on the internet. Look for the blue and gold 100th anniversary packages on your grocer’s shelf.
• • •
Recently a doctor in the East, who had been married to his wife for 15 years and had donated a kidney to her, decided that as part of the divorce settlement he wanted the kidney back (or $1.5 million). I wonder if he really wants it back. It is probably full of Botox.
• • •
At this time of year we are overrun with Dick Vitale and his college basketball insights. It has come to my attention that Dick has discovered a basketball prodigy in Texas. Bubba Bubba is 6’8” tall and in the third grade at Johnny Mack Brown Elementary School in Wasteland, Texas. His coach is working on his dexterity and hopes that he soon will be able to tie his own shoes.
• • •
While we are talking about Texas I would like to pass along the following information that I have gleaned by opening a road atlas and counting the number of counties in that state. I ascertained that there are approximately 254 counties. There are rows and rows of them and each is only about 25 miles wide and 25 miles high. Now you can see that this creates a state that has a huge population of civil servants: 254 sheriffs, thousands of county commissioners, 254 county attorneys. You get the picture. I believe that everyone in Texas is on a county payroll. Now you see where Jackie Gleason’s Sheriff Buford Justice came from. What a fun place.
• • •
I thought you should know that I’m in the process of getting my money-dealer’s license. I have invented a new money making program, in which you put in $20 per month and we give you back $120 per month. This is not a stock or a bond, we call it a Swindelle. We are hoping to get Bernard Madoff to endorse it, if the judge allows us. By the way, how do you spell ‘Ponzi’?
• • •
The butter dish is empty. I reach for a pound of butter to take out a quarter pound. I look at the end of the package and see a little pull-tab and perforations. With my fingernail I lift the tab and start to pull. Halfway across it rips in half. It happens every time. I think a class action suit is in order. Do you want a box that pulls all the way across? Get a box of frozen White Castle hamburgers. I guarantee it will pull all the way. Unless it doesn’t.
• • •
The other day, as I watched TV I saw a commercial that had a tooth fairy. It was a nice looking young lady with wings and all other accoutrements. I suddenly realized that for my whole life I had never imagined the Tooth Fairy as a female. I guess it is part of my male chauvinist tendencies that account for this. I always thought that only a male could speed around the world jumping through windows and hiding things under pillows. Along this same line, I bet, when little Bernard Madoff put a tooth under his pillow the Tooth Fairy left a million dollars, of someone else’s money.
• • •
It is with great sadness that we note the passing of the Kernville Steakhouse. The Binghams were great hosts and built up the business in a very professional manner and featured great food, and great service. The family tried several ways to keep afloat but the economy was too much for them. One only has to note the great number of restaurants in Lincoln County that have ceased operation or curtailed their hours. We wish the Binghams good luck in their next venture.
• • •
If you have never had the chance to see a televised college or pro football game in person, and you have wondered what the players do during the endless commercial time outs I will tell you. The players get tattoos right on the field. Honestly!


Bruncke: 'I smell pancakes!'
[Posted Jan. 14, 2009]

Some years ago the Salishan Lodge had a wonderful buffet. For quite a while it was every Sunday. Then it evolved to only holidays and then evolved into non-existence. My family and I really enjoyed eating food items that you never saw on regular restaurant menus. There were special cheeses, dim sum, baron of beef (carved just for you) and large hams. These were breakfast staples such as eggs and sausage, not regular sausage but English bangers. Champagne flowed, the dessert table was a wonder to behold, complete with make-your-own sundaes, cakes, pies, you-name-it.
My family had contests to see who had the best selection at each stage of the meal, as wait-persons whisked away dirty plates and made room for your next foray. I found that this buffet was a wonderful meeting occasion that brought together members of the community. You always saw your neighbors and friends. Everyone brought their children. I dream that some day Salishan, now known as Salishan Spa and Golf Resort, will see the wisdom of reinstating the famous buffet.
• • •
The makers of Budweiser are interesting people and the people that drink it are even more interesting. Do you remember the old motto that the company displayed that the beer was “Beechwood aged”? This was used for years until a couple years ago when they switched to “freshness.” They dated the beer, enabling you to drink Tuesday’s beer on Wednesday.
Today we find that the key word is “Drinkability.” Let us examine the word. Drink means to take a liquid into your body, and ability denotes the fact that you are capable of doing so. I believe that water has drinkability as does milk, cocoa, and Jack Daniel’s. The word drinkability makes no statement as to the quality of the beverage. At this point one should question the mentality of the Budweiser drinker concerning his being swayed to this product by this word. I am waiting for the next Budweiser marketing idea.
• • •
I soon will be appearing on TV with a new product. This wonder of the age is a beach rock, which I will pick up personally. With each rock you receive a certificate of authenticity that it is genuine beach rock. The rock is only $19.95 plus $25 shipping and handling. Your neighbors will be jealous when they see an authentic beach rock in your living room. As an added incentive I offer the following plan. If you buy 25 beach rocks I will pay the shipping. Look for the ad on TV. Coming soon. I’m hoping to get Billy Mays to appear in the ad and I must add that the beach rocks are clinically proven to be rocks. Ask your doctor if beach rocks are right for you.
• • •
Would someone get a gallon of white paint and go to Lincoln Beach and paint out that sign that says “Who’s Your Crawdaddy?” This is an historical artifact of a poorly thought out restaurant. It would make sense to refrain from opening a café that features crocodile and crawfish in an area that adores salmon and Dungeness. As expected the restaurant failed, but the signs live on and they display a nadir in advertising. Please, someone!!! I’ll furnish the roller.
• • •
There are many credit cards that promise you that you can amass enough points that you can fly on any airline. For maybe 25,000 points you can fly roundtrip to Seattle. Now I am going to tell you of a credit card that I’ve had for a number of years that actually pays off. This is a Best Western credit card. There are 3,500 motels around the world and every time you use your card you get points and if you use it to stay at a Best Western you get double points. During the month of October my wife and I had three free nights amounting to well over $300. Over the years I’ve had about seven free nights. Each year I stop at one of the two Best Western Motels in Lincoln City and get a catalogue of their motels. I find that it is very handy in planning trips throughout the country.
• • •
I believe that when you read this the new Pig’N Pancake restaurant will be open in Newport, in the former city hall building. For months contractors have been remodeling the structure and one innovation is an entrance on the south side of the building, which reverses the former plan. My family has enjoyed food from this chain in Astoria, Seaside, and Lincoln City. I remember one on I-5 near what is now Bridgeport Square. The food has always been excellent and native Oregonians always make it a regular stop when traveling. (Note: Yes, Paul, the Newport P 'N P is open! New to the 'Pig? Check out a file story!)


Sampler has Paul at his Whit’s end
Jan. 2, 2009
I found a business that has this motto: “Our back door is our front door.” This is extremely important to you as a future customer. Remember it, along with the simple direction to enter through the Chevron parking lot. Are you interested? The above-mentioned business has the catchy name “Serendipi Tea” (4660 SE Hwy. 101, 541-996-2200) and is a wonderful addition to the eating scene in the Taft area of Lincoln City. My wife and I enjoyed some wonderful food. Following my lifelong motto, “Variety is the spice of life,” we partook of sandwiches, scones, tarts, sorbet and two selections from a list of some 20-plus teas. The price is very reasonable, and it features wonderful décor, a gift shop and a kitchen that any chef would sell his or her soul for. Ask about the gossip room.
• • •
The London Review of Books publishes personal ads regularly and they are extremely creative. They are not the American type of “Wanted: Someone to walk on the beach, go dancing and drink wine by the fire.” Here is an example from the latest edition. “I am Mr. Right! You are Miss Distinct Possibility. Your parents are Mr. and Mrs. Obscenely Rich. Your uncle is Mr. Expert Tax Lawyer. Your cousin is Ms. Spare Apartment on a Caribbean Hideaway that She Rarely Uses. Your brother is Mr. Can Fix You Up a Fake Passport for a Small Fee. Man, 51.”
• • •
I think it might be time to start my tomato Punch-N-Gro. I’ve been trying to grow tomatoes for 47 years and finally I had a little one ripen two years ago. Maybe if I start now, the growing season will be long enough, but living near the cool ocean doesn’t help.
• • •
Here is a piece of advice. NEVER BUY ANYTHING THAT IS ADVERTISED ON TV. This comes from years of research and examination. You would be wise to follow this dictum.
• • •
This is a consumer alert. Whitman Samplers are shrinking. Every year my family has a tradition of decorating our Christmas tree while enjoying a box of candy. This year we purchased a supposedly one pound box and found that it was actually only 12 ounces. The plastic dividers spaced the smaller number of candies so that you don’t notice the loss. Upon selecting the chocolates we noticed some were smashed and some were stiff with age. I guess the family will have to look for another Christmas tradition. We would like to switch to Moonstruck Chocolates but our loan hasn’t been approved yet.
• • •
In a recent edition of this media giant, editor Niki Price, in a fit of pique, challenged my veracity concerning my attendance at musical concerts and dances in my youth. In the late 1940s and early 50s there was a musical extravaganza called JATP (Jazz at the Philharmonic). It was at the Minneapolis Auditorium that I enjoyed the music of Gene Krupa, Buddy Rich, Ella Fitzgerald, and Louis Armstrong. In the same era we found, in St. Paul, the famous Prom Ballroom on the Midway. It was there that we danced to the music of the Dorsey brothers. I remember listening to Stan Kenton giving a lecture on music with some of his sidemen at The Coffman Memorial Union at the University of Minnesota. In conclusion I would inform Mrs. Price that my wife and I attended a concert in Palo Alto in the late 60s that featured Santana before he ever made a record. Want me to tell you about George Shearing? So there, too.
Editor’s note: Uncle! You win. Love, Niki.
• • •
It is time to speak up about horseradish. Why does it exist? A chef lovingly roasts a prime rib covered with wonderful herbs and salt. He then serves it to the eager customer with au jus and horseradish. I am all in favor of au jus and its salty moisture that augments the slice of beef. On the other hand, horseradish smothers the wonderful roast with an obnoxious mélange that detracts from the essence of prime rib. Consider carefully before you administer this concoction to your juicy roast. Please don’t do this in my presence. Thank you.
• • •
Have you made your New Year’s Wish?
My wish is for the success of President-elect Obama and his drive to change the direction of the country.


Dec. 19, 2008

Delightful Dominick! Aromatic Annie!
H. Paul sniffs Vanity Fair

It is that time of year when we honor Walt Kelly, Pogo, and the greatest Christmas carol ever written, and I quote:
“Deck us all with Boston Charley,
Walla Walla, Wash. an’ Kalamazoo!
Nora’s freezin’ on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

Don’t we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby Lilla boy Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly didn’t love Harold,
Boola Boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!”
There is more, look it up on Google. This drove Microsoft Word’s Spelling and Grammar Check up the wall.
• • •
One night I met a man who sold me a hand-held device that was a telephone and did many other online feats. I pushed a button that requested the nearest restaurant but since this was a very cheap model it only showed me nearby fast food places. I selected the closest and it automatically called the restaurant and I told the person that I wanted a double hamburger and fries and that I would be there in 15 minutes. They said, “That’s great! We cooked it yesterday. It will be ready for you when you get here after we nuke it.” I should have read the back of the device it said MADE IN HAITI.
• • •
In a recent edition of this media giant, editor Niki Price demonstrated her knowledge of historic rock by naming the original members of Three Dog Night. These included Cory Wells, Danny Hutton, Jimmy Greenspoon, and Michael Allsup, all of which she had seen in concert. I would like to reminisce by naming a group of musicians that I saw many years ago: Gene Krupa, Buddy Rich, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Tommy Dorsey, Jimmy Dorsey and Stan Kenton. So there too, Niki!
Editor’s note: We would ask for photographic proof that the author attended those so-called “Dorsey Brothers” concerts, but concede that perhaps the camera had yet to be invented. Don’t taunt the editor, because she always gets the last word.
• • •
Readers of this column will acknowledge that golf rears its pretty head quite often here. I would like to take this opportunity to warn you that in 2009, professional golf tournaments may be in jeopardy.
Remember that most tournaments are sponsored by financial institutions and automobile companies, and that at this time these two sectors are being underwritten by you, the taxpayer.
Are you interested in your taxes going to pay golf pros millions of dollars? Will the tournaments be able to survive? Tune in starting in January when the Pebble Beach Tournament gets underway.
• • •
I am going to make a confession. I like to sniff Vanity Fair magazine. Wait, before you take me away in a straitjacket, I must explain. There are pages in the magazine that advertise perfumes. They are designed with a flap that you peel back revealing a sample of the perfume. These pages average anywhere from five to 10 per issue, and more at the holiday season. Some of these are for women and some for men. They vary greatly and I enjoy sampling. Don’t drag me away. Let me have my fun.
• • •
Ask your doctor if a Lexus is right for you.
• • •
It has come to the attention of the world that we are using its resources at a frightful rate. In an effort to make a small contribution I wish to make the following suggestion, regarding Christmas wrapping paper.
Thousands of trees are cut down annually to provide paper that is applied to gifts only to be torn off, and thrown in the garbage or possibly recycled.
Would it be impossible to merely take the gift in its original box and put a tag on it? Let me tell you that wrapping paper has been a burr under my saddle for years.
Bah, humbug!
• • •
Imagine the soap opera actress arriving at the studio for today’s episode. She goes to the makeup room, where skilled people apply myriad cosmetics and carefully groom her hair until she looks like a beautiful model. She then proceeds to the set depicting a hospital room where she is directed to climb into bed and look like she is dying.
It happens every day.
• • •
As of this writing the Big Three auto companies are standing hat in hand before Congress. I think it might be possible that the next year’s NASCAR races will consist of Toyota, Nissan, and Honda racing Volvo, Audi and Volkswagen.
Dec. 5, 2008

Robert Benchley once said, “In America there are two classes of travel: first class, and with children.”
* * *
It is that time of year when we think charitable thoughts and consider the poor of the world. My wife and I have found a wonderful charity that is not a one-shot type of giving, but something that keeps on giving and expanding.
I am speaking about Heifer International, a charity that provides animals to people in Third World countries so that they may become self-sufficient. If you give a pair of goats to a family in Central America, you are providing milk and cheese, and the manure that can be used to improve their garden. The offspring of the pair are given to family members so that they can become self-sufficient.
Heifer International provides ducks, geese, honey bees, cows, water buffalos, sheep, pigs, and even tree seedlings. It also provides experts to help people maximize the value of their animals. My wife and I have visited the ranch at Perryville, Ark., but the headquarters of the organization is in Little Rock. I encourage you to investigate at www.heifer.org.
* * *
Young people, are you interested in starting a rock band? I’m going to give you some basic rules.
Rule number one states that when you arrive for the first meeting of the group that you wear Levi’s. If you show up in anything else you will be taken by the police and placed in a military school where you will be required to wear a uniform. Rule number two states that all potential members of the group will audition as lead singer. The person whose voice is nasal, raw, shrieking, unintelligent, etc., will be selected as the lead singer. Rule number three states that the person that can swallow the largest portion of the microphone will be given special consideration. Rule number four states that everyone be able to withstand the constant glare of spotlights, smoke bombs, strobe lights and other equipment that is run by an egomaniac in the control booth. Being deaf is a definite plus.
* * *
The first restaurant that we ate at when we moved to Lincoln City, some 31 years ago, was Pier 101 in Lincoln City (415 SW Hwy. 101, 541-994-8840). We have continued to eat there on a fairly regular basis (especially when Diane publishes a coupon in the paper) and in point of fact, at one time, my sister was the manager and for years one of our daughters was a bartender.
Our family gathers there for special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries. The ambiance is rustic and the service has always been excellent. This is a very popular restaurant with the Portland and Salem tourists. Try it — you’ll like it.
* * *
How many times have you told yourself that you are going to do a particular thing, yet you never get around to doing it? Our particular thing is going to eat at Pacific Oyster in Bay City (150 Oyster Drive, 503-377-2323). Again and again, friends tell us how they have enjoyed eating “out on the pier,” in Bay City. The seafood couldn’t be any fresher, especially the oysters since they are commercially shucked right there and shipped everywhere. Send us an e-mail of encouragement to give us that extra push to enjoy great food.
* * *
Don’t forget to write down the date of Feb. 29, 2009, for the next Tour of Lincoln County Convicted Felons’ Homes. See for yourself the dirty bed sheets that dealers use to hide drug deals behind their windows. See basement grow rooms and possibly find a few leftover marijuana plants. See if you can find bullet holes in the walls. Special suits will be provided in the meth labs. Remember, the proceeds of the tour fees go to help itinerant raccoons with their dental bills. The bus will leave from the Lincoln County Jail and No Nose Noonan will be the tour guide, if he gets out in time.
* * *
I have waited until the end of this column to tell you a secret. There is a restaurant that serves four course dinners for a pittance, that never advertises, but fills its tables with locals who are in the know. I suppose that you would like to know all about the Historic Anchor Inn and Restaurant (4417 SW Hwy. 101, 541-996-3810). Here is a secret: they only serve dinner on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. The menu is limited to about three entrees, but with a multitude of variations. They have a beer and wine license and the meal consists of a salad, a soup, the pasta entrée, and a dessert. Dinner reservations are taken for 5 and 7 p.m. The owner, Kip Ward, has been in the food service business in Lincoln City for over 30 years. Did I tell you that the décor is out of this world?


Nov. 21, 2008
I believe that the current trend of making motion pictures by constantly cutting from scene to scene every two seconds began with MTV and music videos. Today we find this in commercials, in movie trailers, and in movies themselves. I am going to demonstrate to you what would happen if writers wrote that same way. To illustrate I am going back a few weeks to something that I promised you, that is a little more information about our recent trip to Idaho, Montana and Washington. So here goes: Sandpoint/beach/lakeside/park/deck/Bailey’s/geese/sailboats/dinner/rain/railroad/marina/waterway/closed restaurant/balcony/mountains/regatta.
Wow, wasn’t that informative?
• • •
While I’m thinking about travel, I would like to comment on the state of plumbing in motels. Motel chains spend millions on their establishments, but they buy the sink faucets at garage sales. You pull and pull and suddenly you are covered with water. Every motel in America has a different kind of tub/shower faucet and they have vague instructions. They are guaranteed to either scald you or freeze you. I say fie on them. I went to George Morlan Plumbing Supply and bought the greatest sink faucet in the world. It is soooo smooth.
• • •
In this day and age of political correctness I found the following definitions.
Fat — Horizontally challenged
Alive — Temporarily metabolically-abled
Wrong — Differently logical
Dead — Living impaired
Pregnant — Parasitically oppressed
Poor — Financially inept
Homeless — Residentially flexible
• • •
A year ago or so I wrote an item in which I complained about the waste of energy that we see every night and I singled out bridges that are lighted decoratively. A reader sent an e-mail telling me that lights were required on bridges so the drivers could see the road. She missed the point that I was talking about. I was referring to lights on the sides of bridges, to show them off to visitors.
Now we have an article in National Geographic called “The End of Night: Why We Need Darkness.” It points out that you can’t even see the stars anymore. The New York Times in November had an article that pointed out the new energy-efficient system in Manhattan that included dimmers, timers and motion sensors. I personally am disturbed by the large motels in Lincoln City that feel it is necessary to light the ocean with floodlights. Obviously they have not walked on the beach by moonlight, as I have. It is a wonderful experience.
• • •
Did I tell you? I hate snow!!! I grew up in Minnesota and lived in Montana and Eastern Oregon and I shoveled all kinds of that white stuff. Occasionally, when we drive over a pass and some lingering snow will be present, I might get out of the car and walk over and touch the stuff and say “Yuck.” Sometime during the NFL season they will start advertising snow tires and antifreeze. What a turnoff. They could easily replace those with ads for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.
• • •
During the past few years I’ve been trying to complete a goal of reading the classics. One of my favorite authors has been Thomas Wolfe and I am in the midst of reading “Look Homeward Angel.” I would like to reproduce a paragraph for you to indicate the richness of his work: “Nacreous pearl light swam faintly about the hem of the lilac darkness, the edges of light and darkness were stitched upon the hills. Morning moved like a pearl-gray tide across the fields and up the hill, flanks, flowing rapidly down into the soluble dark.” Imagine an entire book filled with such images. This is genius. If you only like literature in which things blows up, it might pass you by.
• • •
In addition to liking cheddar cheese with apple pie I will also confess that I like peanut butter on Danish and bear claws. So there, too.
• • •
It is that time of year when we honor Walt Kelly and the greatest Christmas carol ever written, and I quote,
“Deck us all with Boston Charley,
Walla Walla, Wash. an’ Kalamazoo!
Nora’s freezin’ on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

Don’t we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby Lilla boy Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly didn’t love Harold,
Boola Boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!”
There is more, look it up on Google (this drove Microsoft Word’ s spelling and grammar checker up the wall).


Nov. 7, 2008
It has come to my attention that if we could harness the energy expended by all of the athletes of the world in giving high fives, we could solve the energy crisis. Did you watch the Olympics? The volleyball players gave high fives after each point no matter who was winning or losing. I got tired watching them and I thought that they could be better players if they didn’t tire themselves out with high fives. Solar, wind, clean coal, and nuclear power could never equal this potential source.
• • •
Allow me to discuss the age-old controversy of mayonnaise versus Miracle Whip. I stand four square in the Miracle Whip camp and you should know that at our house we buy it in the handy 55-gallon drum. Miracle Whip has a tang that is not present in mayonnaise. Salads, coleslaw, sandwiches — all are enhanced by Miracle Whip. The slight drawback of cholesterol can easily be remedied by the ingestion of five Lipitor tablets a day.
• • •
A few months ago, baseball players in both the American and National leagues were breaking their bats at an abnormal rate. It was suggested that the bats today were being made of inferior wood. Then the problem evaporated and we have heard no more about it. Now, I will explain to you what has happened. In Little League, high school and college, players use aluminum bats; when they get to the big leagues, they use wood. Now each bat has a label stamped on it in a special place so that when you hold the bat with the label up, the ball strikes the edge of the grain, because that is the strongest place. I believe that the players didn’t know this and the league administrators had a little talk with them and solved the problem. Thank you for your attention to this problem.
• • •
I would like to say a word of praise for one of the most outstanding people in the media business: Christiane Amanpour. She regularly goes to dangerous places and reports what is actually happening. I have watched her year after year and I admire her as one of the greatest women in the world. That’s my opinion
• • •
I have written on numerous occasions that I really enjoy eating at restaurants that have a senior menu. My wife and I recently ate at Tubby’s restaurant in Grants Pass, and found that almost every item on the menu came as either a full order or a half order. This is what I call an ideal menu. The restaurant is about two blocks from the first exit going south. Captain Ron’s restaurant in Lincoln City is another that thinks about children/seniors in their menu.
• • •
I read an article the other day that said that to keep your brain active in old age you should do the following: work puzzles, do Sudoku, study maps and plan trips. Now, here is my warning. If you have one of those GPS/Garmin displays in your car that tells you where to go and when to turn, your brain is going to dry up and you are headed for “the home.”
• • •
Let us discuss football for a moment. You have probably seen players with tight elastic bands on their arms just above the elbow. Now, it is my belief that this has the same use as the elastic band that surfers use to keep attached to their boards. In other words, this arm band is meant to keep track of the football player’s arm when it is torn off in play.
Additionally, I would like to discuss the habit of football players of pointing at opposing players across the line. What are they pointing about? I believe that the following dialogue accompanies the pointing. “Did you smell that guy’s breath?” “Old 91 could use some Right Guard.” “Did you see that girl he was out with last night?”
Your imagination could produce many other possibilities.
• • •
Have you ever returned to a restaurant after an absence of two years and had the owner/waitress ask you if you are going to have your usual? My server at Shirley’s On D Bay confronted me recently with that question. I then enjoyed some of the best pancakes that I have ever eaten. I must admit that I have known Shirley for 31 years.
H. Paul Bruncke is a former teacher who lives in Gleneden Beach. Write to him at hpaulbruncke@centurytel.net
October 24, 2008
In the Sunday Oregonian, there is a column by Bobby Wolff called “Aces On Bridge.” In a recent column, this answer appeared: “In non-competitive auctions, unless the two combined hands are known to possess at least invitational values, jump raises or jump rebids by one player tend to be invitational. Equally, jumps in a suit that partner has shown, or implied, are also invitational. However, jump shifts (jumps in a new suit) tend to set up game-force. In competition most jumps are invitational, not forcing, because one can so often start by cue-bidding.” If you can understand this, you have the capability to go out in your garage and invent a cure for arthritis.
* * *
This time of year, there is a wonderful activity in the Columbia River Gorge called the Fruit Loop. This consists of 36 farm stands, in and around Hood River, that sell the most delicious produce. One of them, Rasmussen Farms, has 50 varieties of apples including heirloom varieties. Packer Orchards sells a wide range of cookies, with samples available. There is a lavender farm and the Apple Valley store with items found only once in a lifetime. Take a trip, try a B & B and hope your car has a big trunk.
* * *
Have you ever done something stupid for 20 consecutive years? My wife and I found out recently that we had mistakenly ignored a wonderful cultural asset of the central Oregon coast, namely the Newport Symphony Orchestra. So, after living in Lincoln County for 31 years, we finally attended what turned out to be the opening concert of the 20th anniversary year of this talented group.
We were in awe of the musicianship that was displayed and especially of the conductor, Adam Flatt, who could possibly win the Tim Robbins look-alike contest. The jewel-like auditorium responded with perfect acoustics. We have been traveling to Portland to hear the Portland Symphony for years but now a short trip to Newport will bring us hours of wonderful music.
Editor’s note: The next NSO concert, featuring works by Mozart, Stravinsky and Canning, is set for 7:30 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 15. For tickets, call 541-265-ARTS.
* * *
As I grow older I find that my capacity for food is shrinking. I find that many restaurants are taking advantage of this phenomenon by installing Senior Citizen menus. The central Oregon coast has many retirees and they are seeking out these eateries. The Hilltop Inn in Lincoln City has been a leader in this movement. The Surfrider at Fogarty Beach has a new senior menu. The Avanti in Lincoln City also has such a menu, but you must ask for it. I welcome readers to submit their favorites. Send them to hpaulbruncke@centurytel.net.
* * *
I have discovered the perfect eating apple. It is named Honeycrisp. I found some in Hood River, Fred Meyer featured it in a recent flier and Barking Dog Farms near Lincoln City recently had some. This is a juicy, sweet and crunchy apple that was developed by an Oregonian working at the University of Minnesota, from the Macoun and Honeygold apples. I like to eat them sliced with a chunk of sharp cheddar cheese. Heh, heh, heh.
* * *
I have been observing women’s clothes for 77 years. Yes, when I was born, I said, “Mom, that’s a great nightie.” I enjoyed the clothes of the 1930s, 40s and 50s, and the innovations of the Hippie 60s, but I must admit that today’s clothes puzzle me. It seems that all women buy their clothes at one store, Goodwill, and they buy them two sizes too small. Many parts of the anatomy are peeking out day in and day out. As to color, a full rainbow seems to be the ideal. I am looking forward to the 2010 teens for a little more class.
* * *
I’ve been toying with the idea of taking a trip to the Galapagos Islands. I saw a TV news program that said it was being overrun with tourists. In my research I found that the isles were sadly lacking in certain amenities. I couldn’t find a single casino and nowhere could I find a 24-hour buffet. I was hoping to find refrigerator magnets with pictures of ugly lizards. I guess I can get along without a Galapagos T-shirt.


October 10, 2008
As I drive about I see signs in front of lounges and restaurants that say JAZZ TONIGHT. My very suspicious mind leaps to attention because I have been exposed, over the years, to a number of types of jazz. To what type does the sign refer? I took the time to go to Google and look up types of jazz and this is what I found. Types of jazz; Traditional, Big Band and Swing, Bebop, Cool, Mainstream, Vocal Jazz, Third Stream, Hard Bop, Progressive, World and Ethnic, Avant-garde, Fusion, and Crossover were found on one Web site. On another I found these additional types: New Orleans, Kansas City, Chicago, Ragtime, Bossa Nova, Post Bop, Acid Jazz and Smooth Jazz. Have you had enough? I hope these lounges and restaurants make bigger signs and define what is playing.
• • •
Readers of this column know that I am always amused by the personal ads in the London Review of Books because they are off-the-wall. Here is one from a recent issue that doesn’t even specify if it is a male or female writing the ad.
“This ad is a web of deceit, spun with threads of fabulation, arranged in radials of hubris and hanging with the vestiges of good intention between the washing line of virtue and the gazebo of dissipation. If you reply immediately it will leap off the page, wrap itself around your head in a split second and cling there for the rest of the day. So maybe wave a broom about a bit first. Box no. ____.”
• • •
There are many products on the market to make your house smell good. There are candles, things that plug into the wall sockets, incense, etc. I am wondering why the people that use these products to screen off the odors in their houses don’t just clean their houses. Of course if the odors come from a pet, that’s a different story. They are stuck with a smelly house.
• • •
It has come to my attention that the lobbyists for the auto industry are trying to replace the system to determine miles per gallon. The new system involves taking one of each model of cars to the top of Pike’s Peak. Each car will have the engine started then the transmission will be placed in neutral and the brakes will be released and the driver will proceed to the bottom of the mountain. At this point the amount of gasoline and mileage will be measured and the mpg. Noted. This will be published on the window of all new cars and used in commercials. I am amused by current ads that state that the vehicle can get 450 per tankful. Does the vehicle have a 45 gallon tank?
• • •
On occasion I will read diner comments, on the Internet, for various restaurants. I find that these people fall into two categories. The first is the rave review where the eatery can do no wrong. These folks recommend the place to one and all. The second category consists of people who are going to show off their knowledge of food. They pick on some obscure item such as possible freezer burn on their piece of meat or the insolence of the waitress. The fact that they have to write this is a pitiful try at fame.
• • •
My wife, my sister and I have recently returned from a 2,000 mile trip to Idaho, Montana and Washington. We really enjoyed the scenery and saw preparations for a snowy winter by various state highway departments. Here are a few obscure thoughts about the trip. If you are passing through Priest River, Idaho about breakfast time be sure and stop at the AJs Café. Investigate the mini breakfast, which consists of one egg, two strips of bacon, one piece of toast and hash browns. Now check this out, the price is $3.79. How about that? One of our adventures took the form of the 110-mile boat trip on Lake Chelan on the Lady of the Lake II., At the halfway point you disembark in the village of Stehekin, Wash. You are immediately confronted with the Stehekin Landing Resort with its restaurant. Placed prominently on the counter are about seven of the best looking pies you have ever seen. We tried blackberry and it was incredible. Well worth the 8-hour trip. We discovered that Lake Chelan is 1,486 feet deep and the only access to Stehekin is boat or airplane. More to come in future columns.



September 26, 2008
Across the world each year, more than 160,000 citizens 55 or older attend learning adventures organized by a Boston based non-profit called Elderhostel. There are Elderhostel classes on the Oregon coast that inform seniors from across the country about the flora and fauna of this area. One of the most popular speakers is Al Rice, who, with slides and videos, acquaints people with the life cycle of the wood duck.
With the aid of miniature cameras no bigger than a matchbox that have audio and infra red capabilities, Al shows folks the one-day old chicks fluttering out of the nest box and swimming away in the lake below. Al can watch them hatch while sitting in his living room. Thanks to Al and his friends, 127 chicks were hatched around Lincoln City’s Devils Lake this year.
• • •
Have you heard of the Bulwer-Lytton contest put on each year by the English department of San Jose State University? This is named after Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who wrote the famous line, “It was a dark and stormy night.” Here is one of the winners as reprinted in the Oregonian. “Vowing revenge on his English teacher for making him memorize Wordsworth’s ‘Intimations of Immortality,’ Warren decided to pour sugar in her gas tank, but he inadvertently grabbed a sugar substitute so it was actually Splenda in the gas.”
• • •
My recent item concerning my attempt to design a video game where whole cities would be destroyed, alerted reader Virginia Dale who took exception to my suggesting that Omaha be a candidate for the game. It would seem that Virginia grew up in Omaha and holds it in reverence. I am therefore considering exchanging Omaha for Pigeon Forge, Tenn., a much better candidate.
• • •
Many years ago, a college professor gave me a definition of humor that I find is always true. Here it is: Humor is the juxtaposition of the incongruous. Have you ever heard a better definition?
• • •
I know you are out there, all of you people that have to heat up your apple pie and then smother it with vanilla ice cream. I defy you to try my favorite way to eat apple pie – and that is cold with cheddar cheese. Now sometimes I ask for this in a restaurant and they bring me pie with shredded cheese. This is an abomination. It must be a nice slab of cheese, not one those wimpy little slices that they put on hamburgers. I have spoken.
• • •
During the past few years, the television networks handling the NFL games have added a new dimension: having very nice looking young women doing color commentary on the sidelines. I find this distracting. A typical report during the game might tell us that the coach’s father shops at Safeway or some other useless fact. I say, let the announcers in the booth make a mess out of the game and forget the color commentary.
• • •
Lincoln and Tillamook counties are filled with beautiful parks, most of which have picnic tables. I keep dreaming of going to one of these parks, let’s say Fogarty Creek about 10 a.m. some day, and having a brunch. Now the question is, what should be on the menu? I have put a lot of thought into this and I am going to list some items. I would be glad to hear from readers about additions to my list. Here’s the list: bagels, smoked salmon, cream cheese, splits of champagne, blue cheese, salami, Ritz crackers, green onions, deviled eggs and chocolate éclairs. To start with.
• • •
In this day and age, one must dress properly to do any activity outside the home. Sporting enthusiasts can’t possibly play any sport or even go into the woods without visiting Cabelas. Camouflage for everything, and Speedos. Bicyclists cannot pedal a foot without the proper clothing and water bottles, etc. I foresee that this trend will carry over to activities in the home. Dishwashing will require face shields, forearm protectors and special boots in case the sink spills over. Rubber aprons with special Nike logos will be de rigueur. Remember at Christmas to ask for gift certificates from Cabelas.

August 29, 2008
One of the most active tourists spots in Lincoln City is the west end of SE 51st Street. There you will find Mo’s, Eleanor’s Undertow, Tiki’s, the Taft dock and a meeting of Siletz Bay and the ocean. Now, what would happen if you turned on 50th Street and headed toward the ocean? I’ll tell you. You will go past the famous Beach Dog Café, where Sonia and Roger will create the breakfast of your dreams. They are the most accommodating people on earth. A little more of this, a little less of that, is no problem. Sausage is the featured food at both breakfast and lunch. But the menu includes all of the regular items. If all five tables are filled, it’s worth the wait.
• • •
In the movie “Two Weeks Notice,” there is a scene at a charity event and the staff consists of mimes. The stars alight from a limo when the door is opened by a mime. Here is my question, if a mime opens the door for you, should you pretend to reach in your pocket and give him a pretend tip?
• • •
The owners of this great paper decided to send me to the Olympics to cover every facet of that sporting event. Now Mr. Price relied on his friend Big Guido to get me the tickets, at a reduced cost. Unfortunately the tickets brought me to Beijing, Manitoba instead of Beijing, China. I was pleased because there was no smog to bother my breathing, although it was quite difficult to find any type of sporting activity. The curling rinks were melted, but the Canadian football season was in full swing. I tried to send my stories, but there was no e-mail and the mail was delivered by a man on a John Deere tractor. I’m hoping the stories get here soon as they are filled with poignant details.
• • •
I am presently working on a new video game and I spend my hours programming software. This game will allow the player to blow up the city of their choice with huge balls of orange flame, and noises beyond belief. My current problem consists in selecting the possible cities to give the player a wide range of chaos. Here is a partial list of cities, most of which deserve to be blown up: Las Vegas, Cleveland, Branson, Omaha, Newark, and Gary, Ind. I would appreciate your nominations for additional cities. Send to e-mail address listed below.
• • •
My wife regularly watches two soap operas. I watch on occasion and I will ask her if a particular actor is good or bad. The other day I asked about an actress and my wife said, “She can go either way.” That is a puzzlement.
• • •
A recent trip to the State of Washington took us through Portland at noon. That means it is time to stop for lunch at Gustav’s. There are a number of these restaurants in the Portland-Vancouver area and they have a great menu. Remember the 60’s when everyone had a fondue pot? They seemed to fade away and recently have staged a small rebirth. If you want to reintroduce your taste buds to fondue, Gustav’s is the place to go. You grab the long forks and stab away. The lobbies feature rotisseries roasting wonderful meats. Great beer and wine lists also.
• • •
Yours truly has visited 47 of the 50 states, to date. Missing are Rhode Island, Connecticut and Alaska. My goal is to visit these three in the next few years. I am currently studying attractions, accommodations and dining in Alaska. As I was perusing the Web I found an interesting bed and breakfast in Kodiak, Alaska. Here is the name, “Bev’s Bed and Get Your Own Darn Breakfast.” It seems that Bev provides all the kitchen equipment and a full supply of breakfast type food. You are on your own. If you have any travel tips about Alaska I would be glad to hear them.
• • •
When you get old you spend a lot of time in doctor’s and dentist’s offices. You begin to notice the quality of the magazines that confront you. In my study I’ve found that Dr. Builder’s office in Newport has a great supply of magazines, as does Coast Hearing. On the other end of the scale is the Lincoln City Medical Center, where you get to fight over a November 1968 Newsweek.
• • •
Last May, my wife and I were able to enjoy an evening with Dave Brubeck courtesy of my sister Marilyn, at Orchestra Hall in Minneapolis. Dave was in the Battle of the Bulge in World War II and he had some difficulty rising from the piano. Three thousand people couldn’t get enough of “Take Five” and other standards. A wonderful night.
H. Paul Bruncke is a former teacher who lives in Gleneden Beach.
Write to him at hpaulbruncke@centurytel.net
August 15, 2008
The Avanti Restaurant in Lincoln City is akin to the Sandy Phoenix, arising from the ashes on multiple occasions, always improving upon the last rendition. Now a new element has been added: the creation of a beautifully illustrated Southern Italian cookbook. The Laurettas have been creating some of the best dinner fare in Oregon and even have a web site to aid neophyte cooks. The cookbook retails for $29.95 and is available at the restaurant. Do you like meatballs? They have The Best on the Planet.
• • •
Recent statistics have revealed the following information. Four out of every three weddings performed in Las Vegas result in divorce. The statistics are even worse if an Elvis impersonator takes part in the ceremony. In that instance, five out of every three weddings end in divorce. I believe that this information comes from the Reno Tourist and Convention Bureau.
• • •
If you watch TV, you will note the many ads for car insurance. Each claims that they will save you $300, $400, or even $500, if you switch to their company. Now I am going to give you a secret system that I have developed, First, you buy a policy from company A for $1,000 and then you switch to company B and save $300. You are now paying $700. Then, switch to company C and save $400. You are now paying $300. Now here comes the best part. Switch to company D, who saves you $400, and they owe you $100 and you still have a policy. Eureka! Remember you heard it here first, in Econ. 101.
• • •
I’m warning you now: watch out for Christmas. With the current global warming trend Santa’s workshop will be underwater and the elves will all be donning snorkel gear. If you come down in the morning and all your presents are water soaked, don’t blame me. You have been warned. You should leave a big towel for Santa with his milk and cookies.
• • •
There are many kinds of disasters that confront mankind, such as tsunamis, earthquakes, and tornados, but according to ads on TV the absolute worst thing that can happen to a suburban household is to have weeds growing in the cracks in the driveway. Your neighbors shun you and people drive by with sneers on their faces. We won’t even talk about neighborhood pets. Roundup and other companies are ready to send aid but the stigma will probably remain. You could probably send a card of condolence.
• • •
In May my wife and I flew to Minnesota for family reunions. On the return flight, across the aisle was a young woman with a 6-year-old daughter, a 3-year-old daughter and a baby. Before the plane left the gate, the woman stood up and addressed the nearby passengers. She said, “I want to apologize for my children now, before we start.” Everyone laughed and during the flight the two girls watched movies on a laptop and the baby was great. A wonderful story.
• • •
The time has come for the Sandy Phoenix to contribute positively to the global energy problem. Now, consider this: what is one of the greatest garbage problems in the world? With companies such as Starbucks in every nook and cranny of the world (and their many competitors), it becomes obvious that coffee grounds are going to bury the habitable part of the world. Here comes the solution. Dry out the grounds and burn them in a steam- powered vehicle. Remember The Stanley Steamer Car? It held land speed records for a time. One drawback was a wait while the boiler heated up. Now consider the aroma as you drive down the road powered by coffee grounds.
• • •
The time has finally come for a television channel that only has one program and runs it 24 hours a day. Every time I switch to the Discovery Channel they are showing a program called “The Deadliest Catch.” It seems that there are people from the Oregon and the Washington coasts who appear on these shows. Don’t tell my niece that I wrote this because she works for the Discovery Channel in Chicago. She gets very defensive.
• • •
On Hwy. 101, between Nehalem and Manzanita, there is a restaurant called the Bunk House. My wife and I stopped for lunch recently and found a menu section titled “Smaller Appetites.” I ordered a cheeseburger and was overwhelmed with 4-inch high sandwich with two big slices of tomato, lettuce, three big slices of sweet onion, cheese and a 1⁄4 pound burger with secret sauce, plus a side. The price was right.

Aug. 1, 2008
Creativity on the coast — here is an example of creative thinking in the world of restaurants, as found at the well-known Kernville Steak and Seafood House, just a mile or two south of Lincoln City. I refer to a new innovation called the Kernville Dining Club. Imagine that a husband and wife have a great restaurant but would like to own the property and make their employees the recipients of health insurance. John and Kathy Bingham, the owners, have devised a fund-raising plan that benefits everybody. They are selling memberships in the form of gift certificates in denominations of $100 through $500 (the latter makes you a charter member). When you use your gift certificate you also receive a 10 percent discount. In addition you will receive a newsletter, invitation to special events and wine tastings, and other benefits. This would be a great gift idea. Contact the Binghams at 541-994-6200.
• • •
Recently a space ship landed on Mars with equipment to sample the soil. A scoop, like a miniature steam shovel, scraped the soil and found something white. There was speculation that it was ice; however, certain people in South America who deal in white powder immediately began investigating the possibility of buying a space ship. You just call the NASA used space ship department. The boys in South America have the money.
• • •
Just a note to retirees. This is an old saying. “Life begins when the kids leave and the dog dies.”
• • •
I was watching the Wimbledon Championship and I noticed that the ball boys give some players three balls. They stare at the balls then discard one and put another in their pocket. My question is, what do they see on the balls that makes them decide which one to reject? I think that I have figured it out. When they look at the balls a little face appears on each ball and three little voices say, “Pick me. Pick me.” It’s the best voice that gets the player’s attention and is not rejected. Maybe ESPN will get a close-up of this event.
• • •
Recently a businessman paid a lot of money to have lunch with Warren Buffett. During that time he picked Mr. Buffett’s brain about good moves in the market. Now I must tell you that a few days ago Warren called me and said he would like to go to lunch. I said, “Warren, you will have to pick up the lunch tab because I’m a little short this week.” He said, “OK,” and that he would like to pick my brain about the market. Now I must choose a quiet place to have a luncheon.
• • •
When I was a youth, many years ago, some friends and I drove to a garage in Coon Rapids, Minn., where we saw an Auburn Speedster, one of the most beautiful cars ever built. I was allowed to sit in the passenger seat and there, in front of me, on the dashboard was a plaque that said, “This car was driven 100 mph by Ab Jenkins.” Ab Jenkins was a famous race driver who became the mayor of Salt Lake City. A few months later I was reading an article about Auburn Speedsters in a car magazine and it said that those plaques were glued to the dashboard before the car left the factory.
I mention this fact because every time I see the words “organic” on food these days, I become suspicious. Did you know that there are 53 different chemicals that you can use during the food growing process and still legally call the food organic? Each agricultural industry has pressured Congress to enact special legislation. I guess this item stretches your imagination, but I stand by the concept.
• • •
Ask your doctor if Supremo-Alpha-R is right for you. There are possible side effects of using these pills including loss of all of your limbs, a 98 percent chance of having a heart attack, and loss of breath when getting out of bed, but we believe that the advantages of using these pills far outweigh the possible bad effects. So rid your life of hangnails FOREVER.
• • •
I was reading the Eugene Weekly the other day and I found an ad for the Langenburg Oxygen Water retail store. In the ad I found the following water qualities listed: Mineral balanced, structurally restored, microclustered for hydration, highly-advanced purification, and high levels of stable oxygen. Could someone tell me what these mean? Microsoft Word never heard of “microclustered.”


The triumphant return of the S.P.! Bruncke returns, July 18, 2008.It’s been nearly a year since H. Paul Bruncke retired from writing The Sandy Phoenix column in the Oregon Coast Today. Apparently, somebody foolishly told him they missed reading it, because this week the Phoenix arises once more. H. Paul is back, writing twice a month for the OCT.

If you had recently strolled on the beach at 51st street in Lincoln City, sometimes called Mo’s beach, you would have noticed some ashes in the sand. Your first thought would have been that some picnickers had been there and had been roasting a few hot dogs and creating some s’mores, but you would have been wrong. What you had found is the few remnants of the latest rebirth of the Sandy Phoenix and a column devoted to information that you probably never wanted to know anyhow. I’m loaded with a new MacBook Pro. You have been warned: hang on to your La-Z-Boy. Here we go.
• • •
Do you like contests? Do you have a computer? Are you on the Internet? Do you like vocabulary and geography? On the Internet is a vocabulary test called freerice.com. You are given a word and four possible definitions. If you pick the correct answer 20 grains of rice are donated to people in Third World countries. You are scored and for each three correct answers your score goes up one point. Each time that you are wrong it goes down one point. I think the top score is 55. I know people that have donated hundreds of thousands of grains of rice. The geography test is called freepoverty.com and donates water to Third World peoples. You are shown a map and asked to place a flag in the appropriate spot. Levels are easy, medium, hard and super hard. Good luck!
• • •
Our trips to Riptide BBQ, a restaurant that shares quarters with The Bay Station breakfast and lunch café in Depoe Bay, have produced some very enjoyable eating. Having partaken of both ribs and pulled pork, I have found both to be delicious and with just the right amount of heat. We have done both take out and eaten on the site; I recommend eating at the restaurant so that you can sample the three different sauces. My wife really enjoyed the Waldorf salad and I could eat their baked beans all day long.
• • •
A recent trip to Minnesota alerted me to the cult of John Deere that permeates the Midwest. At both the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store and another restaurant chain called The Machine Shed I found great amounts of gift shop shelf space devoted to John Deere items, My favorite was a T-shirt that said “ FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS RIDE ON RED TRACTORS.”
• • •
In coming columns there is the very slightest chance that the sport of golf will be mentioned. In fact the odds are extremely great that golf could be mentioned to a point that you might become sick and tired of hearing about it. Well, with that preamble, let me tell you about a web site that I was alerted to calledcallawaygolfpreowned.com. It seems the company takes clubs in trade, etc., and refinishes them till they look like new. I took advantage of the site and ordered a Big Bertha driver and a 3 and 5 wood. They work beautifully and I saved a bundle of money. Thanks to Rudy, the golf pro at Chinook Winds Golf Resort.
• • •
Let’s talk about my idea of pure bliss. That would be sitting in the afternoon looking out at Siletz Bay from the lounge at The Bay House. In my hand would be a chocolate martini. I heard you say, “ugh.” Really, it’s like drinking Bailey’s. Oh, didn’t I tell you that I have a tremendous sweet tooth? I make faces when I drink beer, which drives my wife wild.
Now back to the Bay House. Sitting on the table in front of me is a delicious appetizer, possibly tapas, which I consume with great delicacy. Meanwhile I might be watching the wildlife on Siletz Bay through the restaurant’s binoculars. I am sitting in a big overstuffed chair and I don’t ever want to leave.
• • •
I now wish to sharpen an old complaint. Do you ever read personal ads in various newspapers? You know what I mean, “Woman 45 WLTM (would like to meet) man 45-60 for walks on the beach, evenings with wine and dancing, and quiet talks.” How insipid can you get? Now I offer you a typical personal ad from England and the London Review of Books.
“This time next week you’ll think replying to this advert the best decision you’ve ever made. At the same time you’ll be regretting your choice of footwear. Why? Because dark soles aren’t allowed on mother’s newly laid laminate. Don’t worry, I’ve already bought you slippers (size four) and pyjamas (size ten) and a brush for your beautiful long red hair (I’ve had ‘Susan’ engraved on the handle, that’s what I’d like to call you). Size ten Susans with size four feet, please, reply to box---.You can be any age but if you are 42 with birthday on Sept.6 it will be a distinct advantage. Otherwise we can just pretend.”

Sadly, the unrelenting pressure to excel that IS feelancing for the Oregon Coast Today proved too much for our favorite columnist. Though H. Paul Bruncke is no longer filing weekly "Sandy Phoenix" dispatches, we're proud to continue to make available, for a limited time, some of his last columns. We thank Paul for his hard work and hope you'll enjoy reading this collection.

H. Paul signs off with a piece suggesting that big-screen TVs will result in a disclaimer clamor
Published July 13, 2007
I recently wrote about a great place to have breakfast before going to the Newport Farmers’ Market – specifically, Shirely’s on “D” Bay. I would like to add another possibility, and that would be Georgie’s Beachside Grill, adjacent to the Hallmark Resort on Elizabeth Street in Newport.
My wife and I have eaten there on a number of occasions and have always enjoyed our meals. For breakfast I am partial to an item called Joe’s Special, which combines eggs, ground beef and spinach with cheddar cheese. This comes with either of two kinds of potatoes and your choice of toast. My wife had a breakfast wrap that she said was delicious. This restaurant has a great view of the ocean and is only a few blocks from the Saturday Farmers’ Market.

* * *

Some people better beware. The people that advertise on the TV such as automobile companies and mortgage companies and who place very fine print on the bottom of the screen to tell you the bad aspects of their products are in for a rude awakening. With the advent of big screen TVs in every house, the people with the flat screens will be able to read those fine print words and find out what a lousy deal they are getting from these companies. ‘You mean that I have to pay $120 a year for my free credit report?’ You bet you do, sucker. For your information, you can, by law, get a free credit report once a year. These are FREE.

* * *

Have you noticed that most car ads on TV are about SUVs and the ads that tell you about the great economy of the company’s cars are all sedans. I wonder why that is true?

* * *

I have written about a café in the state of Washington that is on Highway 101 south of Cosmopolis. I always loved the potatoes, at breakfast, at Clark’s, but on our last visit I watched the waitress/cook throw all of the potatoes that previously were grilled into the deep fat fryer. What came out was not very delicious, to say the least. What happened?

* * *

Did you know that when you have a wedding and you have a big cake that the caterers will charge $1.50 to $2 per slice to cut the cake? In order to save some on expenses, many brides are ordering individual cakes for each table and allowing the guests to cut their own. My niece in Minnesota bakes wedding cakes and recently had an order for 53 cakes. I think she will need a bigger van.

* * *

I am beginning to hate to watch TV because the people who edit programs feel that they need to cut from picture to picture ever two seconds. I believe that this trend started with MTV and music videos.
Now everything is a montage of scenes that flash by and you wish that some would stay on the screen for a few moments so you could savor them.

* * *
For the past few weeks I mentioned that I would like to hear from folks about their idea of a great picnic brunch. My editor, Niki, suggested that Bastille Day (July 14) would be excellent for such an undertaking.
In that case I will give you my list. Splits of Champagne, pate, smoked salmon, bagels, cream cheese, gherkins, blue cheese, deviled eggs, éclairs, assorted crackers, and I will think of other things when I go shopping. Trader Joe’s would be a great place to start.

* * *

My wife and I are thinking of going to Reno for a few days. Anything to do other than video poker that you can think of?

* * *

Folks, I have enjoyed the last two years of writing and I thank you for being so patient with my absurdities. Baby Clam is gone and the asterisks have to fend for themselves. Again, thank you and I have had a great time and gained a lot weight eating at all of those restaurants.


Big stars head to Big Sky Country
Published July 6, 2007

Imagine, if you will, that the daytime talk show, Live with Regis and Kelly, is aired each day from Shelby, Mont., instead of New York City. The audience, dressed in jeans and cowboy boots, is enthusiastic but not raucous and screaming, as the New York audience is each weekday.
Regis starts out by noting the weather outside is 32 degrees below zero, but is ready to turn because of a chinook wind. There is a spin of the wheel, and a lucky listener in Wyoming is asked a question. The prize is a trip to Glacier National Park and the show’s producer will drive the winners. They will stay at the Dreamland Motel in East Glacier and only have to share a bath with three other units.
Today’s guest is the Mayor of Two Dot, Mont., and he was chosen because he appears in his wife’s digital movie of the family and it has been shown at the church social. The show will close with Big Sky Bob and the Rustlers from Billings, who play “Montana, Montana, I Love You.”
* * *
(These asterisks are dedicated to Baby Clam. May he rest in peace.)
The news is filled with pictures from surveillance cameras depicting people in hooded sweatshirts stealing cash registers and other items. There are also pictures of small people in hooded sweatshirts at the wheel of a car involved in a drive-by shooting. I would like to suggest that hooded sweatshirts be registered with the police and a large ID number stenciled on the garment. This might help in detection.
* * *
I received an e-mail from Eleanor Pernula, who was responding to my item about overly lighted bridges and their effect on the environment. Eleanor pointed out that bridges need lights to alert pilots. I agree fully. My point was that, in some cities, they place lights about every three feet on the sides of the bridges for aesthetic effect. Electricity costs money to produce. Enough said.
* * *
I have yet to hear from anyone concerning my question of what would you include in a brunch picnic basket, if you really wanted to do a great job. I will give you another week, buts that’s all.
Editor’s Note: Bastille Day is quickly approaching. Surely Paul’s readers look forward to this traditional opportunity to grab a picnic basket and ponder all things French under a tree or on the beach! No picnic basket ideas? Zut alors!
* * *
I wrote about this long ago, but you probably forgot about it. This is about practice putting at a golf course. Now, I see people take out two or three balls and fire them one after another toward a hole. The second and third shots are adjusted from the first. It is my contention that this serves no purpose. When you are playing golf, you only get one chance to put the ball into the cup on each shot. I only practice with one ball and I make mental notes about the speed and direction. I think that this is a valid way to practice. Any argument?
* * *
I like to play video poker at casinos and I find that in the states of Washington, Oregon and Nevada, there are different philosophies about the question of video poker versus line games. In Washington, at one casino, my wife and I found that in a room of 200 slots, only two were video poker. In Oregon there seems to be a more liberal supply of video poker, but in Nevada almost half of the machines are video poker.
Video poker gives you an opportunity to enter into the game and select cards. In line games you merely push buttons.
I like to make my own mistakes. I really like multiple hand games.
* * *
Alas, Sue’s Home Town Café in Toledo, Oregon is no more. The property is for sale. Even though it was about 25 miles away, I liked to go there early in the morning. She opened at five.


No need to D-Bay-te where H. Paul likes to eat...
Published June 29, 2007
Where can you have a delicious meal and at the same time watch a mama seagull busy hatching young ones. I will tell you. The place is Shirley’s on”D” Bay on the western end of the waterfront in Newport. Shirley has been in the food business for longer than my wife and I have been in Lincoln Couty and that is 30 years.
As you look out the large windows there are some old posts in the water, each about 25 feet high. On top of one, someone has attached a rubber tire and inside the tire, Mama seagull, with the help of Dad, has fashioned a nest. In all of our 30 years, we have never found a seagull nest, other than this one. While you are watching, you are taking part in some delicious eating.
On a recent trip to Shirley’s I had a special which consisted of a mushroom and bacon quiche covered with small shrimp and then with hollandaise sauce. Talk about delicious.
You might want to take a small recorder with you because Shirley and the waitress can reel off specials faster than you can listen. Record them and play them back. You can recognize Shirley’s by the log cabin appearance of the building. See you there before the farmers’ market.
* * *
(The latest asterisks are made with Ethanol)
Another word about the Newport Saturday Farmers’ Market. The Jammin’ Grannies and their some 40 different kinds of jams and jellies are now housed in a wonderful trailer. They no longer have to unpack every Saturday. They just open the side of the trailer and go to work.
They have lots of samples. You won’t go away without a purchase.
* * *
I saw a very old movie on TV the other day which I remember to have two different names. One was “Ace in the Hole,” and the other “The Big Carnival.” This movie starring Kirk Douglas was filmed near route 66 in New Mexico and came out in 1951. In the movie I saw something that brought back memories, and that was a waterbag slung over a portion of the car’s bumper.
These waterbags were made of a very rough cloth and the idea was that as you drove, the water would go through the sides of the bag very slowly and evaporate, thus cooling the water in the bag. In the era before air conditioning, this was the way to get across the deserts of the Southwest. In the movie Kirk Douglas is a real rat.
* * *
I am going to pose a question for you and I would really appreciate an answer by e-mail. If you were going to have a really classy picnic, what would you include on the menu? Let’s say you are at the top of Cape Perpetua and you open your picnic hamper. What would come out? I will give you my list next week.
* * *
In this day and age when everthing is going green and economy of power is the watchword, could you explain why cities that have bridges, have to light them up? I don’t mean lights to illuminate the roadway, but lights fastened to the sides for effect. Please answer in 40 words or less.
* * *
Newport residents, hold on to your napkins! Guess what? The Pig-N-Pancake chain is looking your way. My wife and I find this is one of our favorite spots and from the looks of the parking lot there must be a lot of agreement.
* * *
I have decided that at the major ad agencies in the United States they have two categories of creative people. One is the regular run-of-the-mill kind who turns out the crummy ads each day. The other is the exceptionally gifted people that make the ads shown during the Super Bowl. These people are in a dungeon and only let out before each big game.


Ordering out for Chinese? Call from Rockaway Beach.
Published June 22, 2007

Here is a term for you: “comfort food.” What do you think of when you hear this term?
Well, I’ll tell you what I think of: chicken and dumplings. Now you might say, “Where would one find chicken and dumplings?”
I will tell you that on the central coast the best place on a Sunday is the Kernville Steakhouse. This excellent restaurant is about a mile south of Lincoln City and about 400 yards up the Siletz Hwy. Chicken and dumplings has been a regular Sunday item on the menu for years and the portions are generous.
The Kernville Steakhouse is also noted for having hamburgers that are charcoal grilled, giving them that just-right flavor. With its location on the Siletz River, the Kernville offers a great view of wildlife, including an osprey nest. You should know that I am also partial to the chicken and biscuits that my mother used to make. Another person I think of when I hear the term “comfort food” is Paula Deen on the Food Network.
* * *
(I picked up these asterisks at an antique mall in Lafayette, Ore.)
Nostalgia has swept over my body after writing the item above and, as a result, I am forced to write about the most American thing that I can think of, a Fourth of July Parade.
The best one in the country is coming up at Gleneden Beach, a few miles south of Lincoln City. It’s small-town America at its best and there is enough candy thrown out of the floats to fill a semi trailer. Join the fun and sample some great food including a breakfast at the community hall. See you there.
* * *
I saw a hunting program on television the other day and the men were covered with camouflage clothing, even up to their noses. If I was a deer and I was walking near these fellows, I would be alerted immediately. I would just say to the other deer, “I smell Jack Daniels.”
* * *
Oh my, oh my! Paris Hilton is the main news item these days.
Paris got to take three books to jail with her and one was the Bible. Paris found God.
This makes her the winner of the Hypocrite Olympics. Now I read in the Oregonian that an animal-rights group called PETA wants Paris to be a spokesman for chickens.
They want her to narrate a video showing how chickens are “crammed into tiny cages and suffer broken wings and legs.” Unlike prisoners in jails, the chickens get no medical treatment. I still can’t believe that I read this.
* * *
I also read in the Oregonian that a company wants to lay a fiber optic cable from Rockaway Beach to China. It will carry 62 million calls at once. I didn’t know that there were that many people in Rockaway.
* * *
(These asterisks are past their due date. Do you notice a little aroma?)
I saw this really trashy mural on the side of a motor home the other day and I got an idea. The kitsch artist, Thomas Kinkade, should go into the business of decorating motor homes. He could put those little yellow windows all over those big monsters. He could make another million.
* * *
Now, you go to a NASCAR race and you sit there and sit there, waiting for a crash. Maybe it never happens, alas. I have an answer to this problem. Let’s make NASCAR races a little more lively. I suggest that vertical steel plates be installed around the track and about every 15 minutes, in a random fashion, one would pop up in front of the racers. Things would go flying and crashing just like in the movies. It would keep the crowd on the edge of their seats. Reality racing — sounds good to me.

The West: Boots, backrubs & brothels
Published June 15, 2007
Have you ever bought something from a catalogue, or given money to a charity? Guess what happens next? You receive an avalanche of mail, including more catalogues. The mailbox is stuffed. Remember that I warned you.
* * *
Oh no! Just when you thought that I wasn’t going to write anything else about our recent trip, I sneak something else into the column. We were driving along, north of Monument Valley, and my sister said, “This is the road where Forrest Gump stopped jogging back and forth across America.” Sure enough there it was. That evening, in the motel, we turned on the TV and it was showing “Forrest Gump,” and there was the road.
* * *
Do you like trains? I love trains and we went on one the most famous trains in the United States, the Durango to Silverton Narrow Gauge Steam Train. Durango is a beautiful town, very clean and historic. The train winds its way for 45 miles to Silverton, taking 3½ hours to get there as it proceeds up the Animas River canyon.
Sometimes we looked down about 500 feet, directly below us into the river. The people on the train rushed to the view side and cameras clicked away. When it got to Silverton, the train made a left hand curve and ended up on the main street of town at the first intersection. Three hundred people got off and looked for a place to eat. We chose the Shady Lady Saloon, which in its heyday was a brothel (there are about 10 restaurants in town and all the rest of the buildings are gift shops).
While we were eating, the train backed out of town, turned around at a wye and came back into town for the return journey. As the train pulled out of Silverton, it passed an RV park. There, I saw a motor home with two gigantic flags on top. One was the American flag. I wasn’t sure of the other. Standing next to the motor home was a man dressed in a World War II officer’s uniform. Next to him was a 20-foot circle of objects that could have been white tombstones. He saluted as we left and then turned and started unbuttoning his uniform and got into the RV. It was, in fact, Memorial Day.
* * *
At the motel in Durango I was talking to the man behind the desk and he told me that I should read the local paper, The Durango Herald and on the third page was something called the “Blotter.” I got a copy and found the Blotter was a police log and I saw the following items.
“A white Ford Mustang was booted at Cold Stone Creamery, 598 Main Ave. The Mustang’s owners were upset,” and “A 70-year old woman in the 500 block of Camino del Rio had passed out several times during the morning.”
I guess life goes on in Durango.
* * *
If you are ever in Montrose, Colo., I highly recommend the 110 Café. There, two waitresses work as a team serving the customers; plus, the waitresses gave back rubs to all of the patrons.
Sometimes twice. It’s a great way to start the morning. It also results in very big tips.
* * *
About 15 miles northeast of Montrose is the newest national park in the country, The Black Canyon of the Gunnison. This is the narrowest and deepest canyon in the world and is well worth a short trip off the highway to visit the numerous viewing areas.
* * *
Paid advertisement: Gigantic Coins is prepared to sell you a quarter used by a famous person. We can’t tell you the name of the person but when you buy the coin it will be accompanied by a certificate naming the star. Remember the coin only costs you $78 plus shipping.

After 3,700 miles, Dundee is tops
Published June 8, 2007
We – my wife and sister and myself – have returned from a trip of 3,780 miles, which included seven states, five national parks and a collection of dead bugs on the front bumper that you can’t believe. Now as you know this paper is directed to visitors to the central Oregon coast, so the following might be a little bit out of right field, but you will just have to put up with it. Remember, this paper is free.
Following a minor blizzard in the Blue Mountains between Pendleton and La Grande, we passed what appeared to be a watering hole for cattle just north of Baker City, which had a sign that proclaimed that it was Beautiful Lake Bob. The people in Baker have a great sense of humor – some years ago I drove up to the edge of the Powder River in that town and a sign said Powder River Brownway. A little further along, standing in the middle of a bridge over Interstate 84, was a lonely cow. I guess that she had to get to the other side.
* * *
(My contract says that I have to put asterisks every so often.)
If you are in Salt Lake City and looking for great food I recommend the Red Rock Brewing Company at 254 South 200 West. Great food, great service.You can park in the back down the alley next door.
Now, in Zion National Park, you can’t drive your car past the gate without a special permit to go to the Zion Park Lodge. If you want to see the park you must take a shuttle bus and they come every 6 to 8 minutes and you can jump on and off at any stop. Getting into the park is a little bit tricky since there is about a mile long, narrow tunnel. Motor homes are stopped and allowed to go down the middle of the tunnel when all traffic is stopped. This might cause a little wait. At Mesa Verde National Park, if you are pulling a travel trailer, you must unhitch outside the visitor entrance and leave your trailer there until you exit.
* * *
I almost forgot to tell Ellen Weider that we did stay in Kanab, Utah, and went to Best Friends, where animal pets are rehabilitated and given for adoption. We viewed a video and met some of the volunteers. This is an admirable charity. Near the town of Boulder, Utah, we were getting hungry and found the Burr Creek Grill, in the middle of nowhere. I watched the customers come in and they all went through the same ritual. On a shelf in the dining area was a collection of about 15 bottles of beer. As the customers came in they went directly to the display and looked over the selection, they then chose a table and sat down. I guess beer is very important in those parts.
If you want to see beautiful country travel Utah Hwy. 12 from Tropic to Torrey. They say it is one of the top ten scenic roads in America, and I can believe that.
* * *
On the way to Durango stop at the Millwood Restaurant in Mancos and have some baby-back ribs. Very good eatin’. We went to Four Corners, where the local tribe asked for $3 per person to get to the monument.We did the obligatory picture taking, standing on the monument imbedded in the ground.
We then drove around the monument going through Utah, Arizona, Colorado and New Mexico.
About 100 yards before we got back to the entrance booth, a rattle snake crawled across the road.
It was about five feet long.
* * *
After driving 3,780 miles through 7 states I can tell you the worst place to drive is Dundee, Ore.


Breakfasts still dog dieting columnist
Editor’s Note: In honor of the start of the third year here at the Oregon Coast Today – and in honor of the fact that H. Paul Bruncke is on vacation this week – we’re pleased to bring you a gem from the archives: the first column Bruncke wrote for the OCT. The piece was written way back in May 2005, when the idealistic young columnist took on the world armed only with his pen, a caustic-but-cuddly tone... and a few bucks for breakfast.

The Sandy Phoenix, alias H. Paul Bruncke, arises from the ashes to regale you with all sorts of useless data and spurious facts. But, hidden in this morass, are words of wisdom you can’t afford to pass up. Item one is such a gem.
For years, yours truly would go out to breakfast every day of the year, including Christmas. I rationalized this action by saying that I was gathering data for my newspaper column. Then, a couple of years ago Dr. Ordelheide said that this was not a good plan and that my girth was expanding exponentially. He sent me to a nutritionist named Karen Holmberg, who gave me a diet plan which included eating at home. Now, a couple of years later, my waist has receded 10 inches.
Here comes the fly in the ointment. I have discovered the greatest breakfast restaurant. They make everything I love, unbelievable French toast, potato pancakes and many varieties of breakfast sausage. This find is called the Beach Dog and is to be found on SW 50th ST. in Lincoln City a few buildings west of Hwy. 101. Sonia and Roger, the owners of this five-table restaurant, will make anything you desire, willingly. They also serve a variety of sausages for lunch until 3 p.m. They open at 7 a.m. When I received my first order of French toast I went out to the car and got my camera. The picture is on the wall of the restaurant.
• • • •
Please remember that if you find a seal pup on the beach that you must leave it alone and stay away from it. The mother will return. She thought that she was leaving it in a safe place while she looks for food. She forgot about tourists.
• • • •
A public service announcement: We at Gigantic Oil are well aware of our responsibility to the environment, therefore we are beginning a new plan to increase the aesthetic value of our refineries. Henceforth, we will be sweeping the driveways to our plants on a weekly basis and cutting the lawns in front of the plants.
Of course, you realize that this incurs an added expense, which unfortunately, we must pass on to you, the consumer. This will only result in a small increase in the price of our gas of about 15 cents a gallon. Another public service of Gigantic Oil.
• • • •
I am going to tell you about a beautiful place on the Oregon Coast, but I am only going to give you vague directions. You will have to read this column again next week for exact information. The name of this spot is Keller Creek Picnic Area and the closest town is Yachats, Oregon. This is a small picnic area that has fallen into disuse and the picnic tables are sagging and covered with moss. However, the small stream flows under a bridge at this spot and continues through the beautiful forest. You can’t find a more idyllic spot. I will tell you that you must drive up the Yachats River about eight miles. More to follow.
About a year ago I was writing a column and I mentioned that my wife and I were thinking of buying a new refrigerator and debating the merits of top and bottom freezers. I received lots of votes for bottom freezers. A week ago we became the proud owners of a bottom freezer. Much less stooping.


'Beg your pardon?' No, thanks.
Published May 25, 2007 - Scroll down for past columns.As of this writing, 24,000 people had signed a petition to have the Governor of California pardon Paris Hilton from her 45-day jail stint. On the other hand, 53,000 people have signed a petition to have her serve the full sentence. I am proposing that a petition be circulated to pardon John Wilkes Booth, ex post facto. I’m sure that the above-mentioned 24,000 will sign the petition.
* * *
I note, with sadness, that there is a “for sale” sign on the Garden Art & Gifts building in the Nelscott area of Lincoln City. For many years this shop has been the leader in truly beautiful and aesthetic works. Even the color scheme on the building shows a lot of class and a design sense. What will happen in the future? We will wait and see. Nearby we find the rebirth of the Dory Cove restaurant in the form of Captain Ron’s restaurant, opened this week.
There is one unfortunate item to mention relating to these businesses. They are in the worst traffic area in Lincoln City and getting in and out of their parking lots is a chore for everyone.
* * *
I always marvel at the people in New York City who spend their days telling everyone that their city is a wonderful place. They are forever writing songs about New York and hoping that the music will drive the rats away. Do you think that they do all of this promotion because they have a feeling of inferiority?
Many years ago a friend of mine from Montana was in New York and a young man asked him about Montana and said that he might drive out there some weekend. For New Yorkers the end of the world is New Jersey.
It is an interesting place. On a trip to New York I was stopped on the street by a man who opened his palm to reveal a diamond ring, which he wanted to sell to me. I usually buy my diamond rings on QVC.
* * *
When you are driving in the early morning and sun is just coming up, or at twilight as it is getting difficult to see, you, as a good driver, turn on your lights. Now you will notice that there are vehicles on the road whose drivers refuse to turn on their lights. You may be assured that these vehicles are pickup trucks driven by very macho young men who are out to show the world how tough they are, and how stupid.
* * *
Here are a few humorous quotations from Ned Sherrin’s book.

“I’ve been in Who’s Who and I know what’s what, but it’ll be the first time I ever made the dictionary.”
Mae West on letter to the RAF in the early 1940s, on having an inflatable life jacket named after her.

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.”
Oscar Wilde, “The Importance of Being Earnest.”

How’s your Latin?
“Puella rigensis ridebat
Quam tigris tergo vehebat;
Externa profecta,
Interna revecta,
Risusque cum tigre mane bat.

Translation:
There was a young lady of Riga
Who went for a ride on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And a smile on the face of the tiger.
From “A Century of Humorous Verse”

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.”
Woody Allen, in “The New Republic”


LOL! This CASA is on the case
Published May 18, 2007 - Scroll down for older columns.
Have you ever been bitten by a mosquito? If you have, the law firm of Coronado, Coronado and Shores will help you get the money you deserve. Call 1-800-555-1212 for a free consultation appointment. Our law firm has been able to help many clients get money from city, county, state and federal entities that permit stagnant water to stand and create breeding grounds for mosquitoes. What are the consequences of a mosquito bite? Malaria? Unending scratching? Red blotches on your face and arms? Just think, You might be able to buy that BMW you have always wanted. Call today.
* * *
(during the Cold War these asterisks were smuggled out of East Germany)
Hey! What happened to Hydrox cookies? I never see them on the shelf anymore. Do they still make Hydrox cookies? Back in the 1950s my friend Duane and I hiked each summer in Glacier Park, Mont. We always judged the difficulty of the hike by the number of Hydrox cookies it took to make the hike. I personally like Hydrox over Oreos, but it seems that there are so many varieties of Oreos that there isn’t room on the shelf for any other cookie. Send me an e-mail if you find any Hydrox cookies.
* * *
Have you ever received a spam e-mail telling you that millions of dollars await you in Nigeria? You merely have to send a few thousand dollars to expedite their transfer to you.
I bring you a message of joy, as described in the June 2007 issue of The Atlantic. It seems that scammers are being scammed by other scammers, and this is their modus operandi. Legions of scam baiters seek to con the con artists, often with remarkable artistry of their own. They tease the scammers with promises of payments that never arrive, with wired funds from banks that don’t exist, with Western Union money transfers that go awry. They lead the scammers on wild goose chases to pick up checks from couriers who don’t materialize, insist the scammers perform ridiculous stunts and ask them to pose with demeaning signs. The article goes on with some zany things that the scammers have performed. It makes my heart swell to note that there are such clever people shooting a hole in spam.
* * *
Acronyms are flooding the world and providing people with little walls to hide behind to show their special expertise. Wally Kohl alerted me to some of the local Lincoln City acronyms that are bedeviling the area. Wally joined the 4 Cs, which is now the LCCC. Dr. O’Connor runs the OCCC. We just finished the LCCD gala. The Freed Gallery sponsors the LTBA and Wally just joined the OCVA. We have BAMA, at Salishan OCLI, and SNLH hospital and we have the NLCHM museum. Wally assures me that he can come up with more.
As a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) I have received three single-spaced sheets of acronyms used in the courtroom. I am a member of the Lincoln County Commission on Children and Families and after two years I still don’t know what we are talking about.
* * *
Isn’t it amazing that although the Portland Trail Blazers season is over, we still get front page headlines about the team? I am most happy that the team doesn’t pre-empt the Channel 8 news for at least six months.
* * *
(I bought these asterisks at a skybox at the Rose Garden. They were $5,000)
I’ve been reading a book about outsourcing and it comes to mind that if this practice continues there won’t be any people left in the United States who can buy the products that are coming every day from the Orient. If the people are working, it will be at McDonald’s. What do you think?


Paul runs for War Czar
Published May 11, 2007

Borrowed from the Oregonian, which borrowed it from the Washington Post.
“Jim was as nervous as an albino penguin in a bowling alley.”
* * *
(The Chinese outsourced these asterisks to Sri Lanka, where they were outsourced to Butte, Mont.
The world is flat.)
It bears repeating that motor homes (which you often see on the road, especially Hwy. 101) are driven by aliens. This is easy to spot, because the couple sitting in the front seats do not turn their heads nor do they ever smile — a sure sign.
* * *
The Sandy Phoenix has been on the cutting edge of journalism for some years. Over time, I have regaled you with personal ads from the London Review of Books. About a year ago, the advertising manager of the LRB, David Rose, took a number of the personal ads and placed them in a book titled “They Call Me Naughty Lola.” Recently I was thumbing through the January issue of the Smithsonian magazine and inside the back cover I found an article about the above-mentioned book, with illustrations. We are talking big time. Now I will continue to illuminate your life with a few more ads from the most recent edition.
• Before I turn 64 I want to learn to tango, wear outrageous hats and find a funny optimistic man to enjoy life with. Letters work for me. Female-London
• This column is not a great place for meeting like-minded people. It is the middle ring of the seventh circle of hell for lonely literary types. Woman, 46, finally ready to stare defeat in the face after three ads and 41 responses from goblin perverts.
• I am the only valid reason to visit St. Albans. Ambidextrous psychiatrist and amateur fire-eater. Female, 37.
• Catterick Ladies Circle. I don’t want to meet on Tuesday mornings anymore. I don’t want to take the minutes for Kate’s obituary notice in the paper. I don’t want to start the Christmas lights petition. I really don’t like golf. I don’t understand it and all that waiting around hurts my knees. I don’t want my picture taken with you all for the local paper, celebrating our ‘fun walk’ for the blind. I don’t want a video intercom installed to ‘make me feel more secure’ — it’s not like the Bronx here just yet. I know all about the benefits of a high fibre diet — please don’t make me listen to the man from the well-woman clinic give a talk about it. I’m glad that the grandchildren never visit; they smell and have terrible manners. I know that you all mean well, but I want to behave inappropriately with a man half my age and be the rumor that opens the meeting I’ll be absent from next Tuesday morning.
* * *
Aren’t you glad someone invented blogs? This keeps many people at home staring at their computers who might be on the road talking on their cell phones.
* * *
As we read in the news, six million cans of pet food were recalled. The immediate question is: What will they do with six million cans of pet food? Now we know the answer. They sold it to hog farms where it was introduced into the human food chain. Watch out for big agri-business; their goal is to make a lot of money. If they kill you they will most assuredly say they are sorry, OR NOT.
* * *
As of this writing the President had not selected a War Czar to run the wars in Iraq and the other one that I can’t spell. I would like to apply for this position. You may ask about my qualifications: I can only respond by saying that I have two sisters and twin daughters. If that isn’t enough experience to be War Czar, I don’t know what is.


Not a-mused? Send letters to Thalia
Published Friday, May 4, 2007

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
* * *
There is absolutely no one to blame for these columns except a muse. I could never come up with this stuff without help. Now, let us review the nine muses and their roles in the arts and history.

Calliope-Muse of epic song.
Clio-Muse of history
Euterpe-Muse of lyric song
Thalia-Muse of comedy and bucolic poetry
Melpomene- Muse of tragedy
Terpsichore-Muse of dance
Erato-Muse of erotic poetry
Polyhymnia-Muse of sacred song
Urania-Muse of astronomy

I guess that narrows it down to Thalia and Melpomene. I feel at times that the column is tragic, but I hope it is comedic. Now, if you want to blame somebody, blame Thalia.
* * *
On a recent trip to Florence, Ore., my wife and I stopped for breakfast at the Landmark Restaurant in Yachats. I have reported previously that when you are in a restaurant that has binoculars hanging on the wall or on the window sill, there must be many good things to see from the picture windows. At the Landmark restaurant and lounge you are perched above the Yachats River estuary and wildlife abounds. I can attest that the menu is designed to make a light eater’s selection a snap. One French toast, two French toast, three French toast, one pancake, two pancakes, three pancakes. Make your choice. The meal was delicious. When in Yachats you can’t miss the Landmark, it’s right on Hwy. 101.
* * *
(Saks Fifth Avenue has never, and will never, sell asterisks)
Here is a test that I would like you take and e-mail the results to me. Take a high powered rifle and put it on a bench rest and load it with a hollow point bullet. Twenty five feet away place one of today’s tomatoes on a table and put a black bullseye mark on the middle of the vegetable (or is it a fruit?). Shoot the tomato and you will probably find, as I did, that the bullet will be smashed flat against the tomato and the tomato will not even have a scratch on it. Who is responsible for these monsters? Bite into a hamburger that has a slice of tomato and your teeth are in danger. I will be waiting for the results of your test.
* * *
Many people in Portland ride their bikes to work. Do they have showers at work? It seems to me that the office might smell a little gamy.
* * *
Once upon a time there was a lighthouse keeper and every night for 20 years, at midnight, the foghorn would blow. One night the foghorn didn’t blow and the lighthouse keeper sat up in bed and said, What was that?”
* * *
I hope that I get my Spiderman Web Blaster at the annual Oregon Coast Today Christmas Party.
* * *
(Do you remember some years ago when a plague of asterisks rained down on a small island in the South Pacific, killing everything? Well, these asterisks just washed up on the beach at Coronado Shores from that event.)
Could someone tell me why a group of people stand around and clap at the beginning and end of the New York Stock Exchange day. Are they congratulating themselves that they pulled off another big day of making huge amounts of money? Watch out! The Mayor wants to tax them $8 a day to drive into New York in their BMWs.
* * *
Did you know that there is a Federal law that says that contractors, carpenters, plumbers and electricians cannot park more than 50 feet from the job? This sometimes entails parking in the middle of the street and blocking traffic. Write to your congressman.

H. Paul Bruncke is a former teacher who lives in
Gleneden Beach. Write to him at hpaul@actionnet.net.




Teeth, once gnashing, soon to be noshing
Published April 27, 2007

A very black cloud passed over the central Oregon coast recently. It was an Italian black cloud, with all that connotes.
I was informed, by two sources, that the Avanti Restaurant property in the Nelscott area of Lincoln City had been sold and that Leslie and Joe were moving away. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth here in Coronado Shores and all along the coast. But then another e-mail brought the sun back out with the news that the deal had fallen through and the Avanti would reopen on May 8. Oh, happy day! I was worried that I had to forego all thought of chicken marsala, meatball parmesan, raspberry Italian sodas, and to-die-for spicy minestrone. All is well with world, at least starting May 8.
* * *
(Pat Dunne hid these asterisks under a slot machine at Chinook Winds, but I found them.)
I want it known right now that for next Christmas I want a Spiderman Web Blaster.
* * *
I found this African proverb in Thomas Friedman’s book, “The World is Flat.”
Every morning in Africa a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn’t matter whether you are a lion or gazelle.
When the sun comes up, you better start running
Note: This columnist is retired, he watches the lion and gazelle from the mini-bus.
* * *
Have you been to Florence lately? Are you going shortly? I have a tip for you. About three miles north of Florence, on Hwy. 101, you will see signs pointing to the Darlingtonia Botanical Wayside.
You will probably say to yourself, as I did, that I have no idea of how far this is off the highway and I will go another day. Well, it is only about 100 yards east of Hwy. 101.
Now you will ask, what does “Darlingtonia” mean? It is the first part of a name for a plant, the Darlingtonia Californica, a plant that traps and digests insects. It is also called the cobra lily or the pitcher plant. From the parking area, it is about a 100 foot walk to see the plants, and there are many of them.
I have found them to be very polite plants and they do not burp or make noises when they eat a fly.
* * *
When I was a child, my family had a Saturday morning ritual. My mom and dad, two sisters and myself would get in the car and go to the grocery store. The name of the store was Kamm and Lind and they had those grabbers to reach cereal boxes down from the top shelf. They even delivered.
After buying our groceries, we proceeded each week to the Hamline Branch of the St. Paul Minnesota Public Library. I remember this as one of the most enjoyable things that I did when I was young. I would wander around the entire library pausing and inspecting books of every kind. I would borrow about seven a week and learn about many interesting things in our world.
I am afraid that computers are taking this enjoyable pastime away from children. I wrote recently of a children’s book collection at Newport High School. In response, Raylene Erickson wrote to me about a non-profit called Reach Out and Read. Rosie Sufficool wrote to me about ASK which stands for Adults Supporting Kids. There are many people in our state who are avidly interested in getting children to read. Why not be one of those people?
* * *
For a while I was keeping track of movie remakes. I give up. I think that they are all remakes.
Paul sees red over Auburn
Published April 20, 2007. Scroll down for earlier columns.

This month the Sandy Phoenix Health Spa is debuting a new technique featuring Encapsulated Moonbeams and Desalinized Sea Mist, commonly know as Sandy Phoenix Spin Drift.This will rejuvenate your life and send you to your cell phone to tell all of your friends about the wonderful way it makes you feel. This special introductory offer, of this efficacious treatment, is only $499.99, and we take Visa and Master Card. Watch for our ad in the Poultry Breeders Journal.
* * *
(Baby clam left these asterisks buried in Nestucca Bay)
Professor James Gundlach, who is retiring because he wore out his welcome at Auburn University by alleging that athletes were getting favorable treatment in the classroom, has the following five ways to improve the student in student-athlete.
1. Post embarrassing statements made by athletes under the names of the professors who passed the athlete in the embarrassing subject.
2. Institute a cliché penalty, so that every player must interview with a reporter for 10 minutes before each game and each cliché benches the player for one-tenth of the game.
3. Rank class performance rather than assign letter grades, and base coach pay on academic ranking of his or her players.
4. If athletes can’t find jobs, make the board of trustees guarantee them work.
5. Prohibit talking between coaches and players, so that all athletic communication must be written.
* * *
We have successfully negotiated Easter for another year. I propose that, next year, organizations that hide Easter eggs for children place them all over town and then at 7 a.m. on Easter morning place the GPS coordinates on a Web site. The children would place the latitude and longitude in their e-trex and head out the door to find the eggs. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?
* * *
The Sandy Phoenix Monument Company has the following item for sale and they are selling like hotcakes. This is the message:
John Doe
Born_____ Died_____
He had a nice lawn
* * *
The Sandy Phoenix is contemplating branching out into horoscopes. In an effort to get up to date in this craft he has enrolled in Horoscope 101. I will share with you my first homework assignment.
Aries-Love is around the corner.
Taurus-Love is around the corner.
Gemini-Love is around the corner.
Cancer-Love is around the corner.
Leo-Love is around the corner.
Virgo-Love is around the corner.
Libra-Love is around the corner.
Scorpio-Love is around the corner.
Sagittarius-Love is around the corner.
Capricorn-Love is around the corner.
Aquarius-Love is around the corner.
Pisces-Love is around the corner.
I think I’m getting the hang of this. My teacher says that next week I might try making negative statements.
* * *
Have you noticed that as you watch ads on TV you say to yourself, “What are they selling?” Then at the end of the ad they tell you the name of the product and it has nothing to do with the commercial’s content.
These ad people are producing mini movies.
* * *
I just read an article in which a woman said that she was a financial analyst for a casino. Wow! That sounds like a great job. When I think about this I can think of many possibilities and they are all golden. I bet one job is determining how big a safe to buy.

'Swiffer' is a hit; why not 'The Sniffer'!
Published April 13, 2007. Scroll down for earlier columns.

It has come to my attention that Britney Spears is searching for a new boyfriend. She needs one named Kevin Martin so that the media can call him K-Mart.

* * *( My credit card company
allowed me to use 25,000 frequent
flyer miles to get these asterisks)

Can you tell me a better way to celebrate your birthday than to have luncheon at The Bay House? Just the other day my wife and our daughter, Cathe, had the good fortune to wish me the best on my day at this wonderful establishment. As we sat there enjoying the view, it came to my attention that daylight saving time is a boon to The Bay House. It allows the diners an extra hour to enjoy the view of Siletz Bay and the wildlife that is on display. Relaxed dining is the watchword with gourmet food and the best possible wine list. On that day, Dr. Loosen was in the house.

* * *

Have you ever heard of the Oregon Coast Preview Book Center for Young Readers? I will take this opportunity to explain. Each year publishers of children’s books send over $30,000 in newly published books to Lincoln County. They are housed in Newport High School under the care of Doug Hoffman. On the first Thursday of each month a group of people gather to preview the books. These are librarians, teachers, parents and others. They can select a book and take it home to keep, if they agree to write a critique of the book which will be posted on the Internet. You can participate in reading books for children from birth to 18 years. Check with Newport High School. Nel Ward of Newport is one of the key people in the program.

* * *

Sally Field appears on TV to promote a drug called Boniva, which is taken once a month. It has competition in the form of a pill that is taken each week. In the ad Sally bemons the fact that her friend, who takes the other pill, spends a morning each week taking her pill. I take pills and it doesn’t take a whole morning to do it. Do you think that the friend uses an overlapping grip when taking her pill?

* * *

I think that NASCAR should have a money back guarantee. If you attend a race and there are no crashes, you would get your money back.

* * *

The administration is getting on the environmental bandwagon. I hear that conservative elements are backing a new SUV that runs on pinot noir.

* * *

I was watching a movie that contained a baby, and the mother sniffed the baby to see if it needed to be changed. I think that with American know- how we could develop a machine that would sniff the baby. It would have three lights on it. A yellow light if urine is present, a red light if the diaper is full and a white light to indicate all is well, for the time being. This would save a lot of sniffing.

* * * (Staples had a sale on asterisks, I bought a carton.)

Do you ever go to Branson, Mo.? If you have a feeling of adventure, not far south of Branson is Mountain View, Ark. There you will find the Ozark Cultural Center which consists of many elements. There are motel units that are very fine and creative. There are about 15 craftsmen and women producing wonderful works of art and there is an auditorium with a capacity of 1,000, that has nightly shows featuring bluegrass music. Last but not least, an octagonal restaurant called the Frying Pan that has wildlife outside each window. Twelve miles north of this place is Blanchard Springs Cavern that is awe inspiring.



Paul Bruncke is a former teacher who lives in
Gleneden Beach. Write to him at hpaul@actionnet.net.



H. Paul pays service to lips, Lifestraws
Published April 6, 2007. Scroll down for earlier columns.

The Sandy Phoenix, in his dual role as columnist and beauty consultant, has a little tip for you ladies. Do you suffer with little lines around the eyes, crows feet, and minor skin blemishes? Do not dispair. Do not pursue a series of Botox shots or laser surgery. Instead I suggest that you wear extremely shiny lip gloss in a very eye catching color. I have found that men are attracted to glossy lips in a most extraordinary way, and their vision is narrowed to that one area of your face. Take it from an old lip gloss admirer – this will save you much time, money and pain.

* * * ( I found, too late, that these asterisks were stolen from a mansion in Lake Oswego and sold through a pawn shop)

Were you aware that recently a Swiss company has developed something called Lifestraw. This device, about half the size of a clarinet, can deliver clean drinking water to people in Third World countries for $10 a year. The device, about 9 inches long and and roughly an inch in diameter, is used like a regular drinking straw. It is filled with halogen-based resin that kills bacteria on contact. Textile filters remove larger particles, and active carbon traps parasites. It requires no electricity or spare parts and can filter as much drinking water as a typical adult requires in one year. There is a web site, www.lifestraw.com.
If you are reading this column and belong to a service organization, such as Rotary International, this would be a wonderful project to stop waterborne disease in Third World countries.
* * *
Word has reached this reporter that the major schools of business in the United States have made a correction in their curriculum. The course that is being replace is business ethics, and in its stead a course is being introduced called Business Acting.
Included in the course are sections called looking innocent, how to face the camera when handcuffed, how to look when you shove the public relations vice president out the front door to face the reporters, looking smug when you receive your billion dollar bonus, and how to act in Jamaica when you move your company. Other sections are being developed daily. Donald Trump could be a guest lecturer.
* * *
In Gleneden Beach is a group called Coronado Shores Beach Club. It has officers and committees. It seems that the road committee got a sign catalogue for Christmas a few years ago. Now signs are everywhere. I especially like the sign that says “yield,” preceded by a sign that says “yield ahead.” I am expecting a sign ahead of that sign that says “yield ahead sign ahead,” and so forth. I start yielding when I leave my house.
* * *
I think that the Oregon Health Sciences University School of Medicine should institute a program to train health aides. These people would interview people that see drug ads on TV. You would walk in to them and say, “is drug X right for me?” This person would look up your record and the computer would tell if the drug is right for you. This would keep real doctors from answering silly questions when they could be treating disease.
* * *
Greg Wolfe found this in cyber space.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old students. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy father and Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” A little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
* * *
I previously wrote about the half order of eggs benedict at the Pig-N-Pancake and their excellence. I bolted recently and tried Pigs in the blanket. Equally great.DishNet synopses fire up H. Paul's synapses
Published March 30, 2007

We are very lucky to have the satellite DISH Network. One facet that I really enjoy is the info button on the remote. If you are watching a movie, a click of that button will tell you the names of three stars of the picture, when it was made, a synopsis, and possibly the director. As I scroll through the movie offerings, I am always amused by the premises of some movies. Here are a few that I copied down one morning.
In Argentina to sell her family estate, a woman has nightly visions of a ravenous raven (the only kind of raven to have) that devours parts of her body.
A schoolmate and an odd janitor help an overweight piano prodigy keep a tenuous grasp on sanity.
Valley girls and a trucker run into cannibal zombies.
A deluded Hollywood citizen is convinced that an unseen camera is broadcasting his life over the airways.
Two Arkansas railroad men steal a train and go to Chicago to fight for their jobs.
If you are interested in the names of these films for future reference, e-mail me at the address on the bottom of my column. I won’t tell anybody that you wanted to watch any or all of these.
* * * (these are not the cheap
Chinese asterisks that the man
in the bar tried to sell me)
This item comes to me from Greg Wolfe, who found it floating in cyber space. I made some deletions.
“Welcome to the Husband Store. You may visit this store only once, the instructions are at the door. There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is a catch… you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
On the first floor the sign reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
Floor 2: These men have jobs and like kids.
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
Floor 4 : These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework.
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak
The woman in question is tempted to stay but goes to the sixth floor, where a sign reads :
Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,021 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Have a nice day!
* * * (These are the Rolex of asterisks. I found them on eBay)
Be sure and ask your doctor if gumdrops are good for you. Remember to say, “Doctor, are red gumdrops good for me? Doctor, are green gumdrops good for me? Doctor, are white gumdrops good for me? Are black gumdrops good for me? Etc.” Doctors are happy to answer all of your questions, but Medicare doesn’t cover this.
* * *
Sometimes, when my resistance is low, I watch a TV program called “The View,” with my wife. One segment caught my attention. During this golden moment, Rosie O’Donnell revealed that when she went out the previous Saturday that she hadn’t washed her hair since Thursday. Oh, my heavens! Can you imagine the response of those in the audience? Did they cheer because they all had dirty hair? Or did they stifle a groan because this admission was so horrendous? I won’t tell the answer. Just think. Millions of women are actually listening to this.
* * *
Did you know that the Sandy Phoenix has been a shill for Tide Tables? What is going to happen next?

H. Paul Bruncke is a former teacher who lives in
Gleneden Beach. Write to him at hpaul@actionnet.net.

Paul dons his spring coordinates for visit to the culinary center

Published March 23, 2007. Scroll down for earlier columns.
Congratulations to the newly-completed Pacific Coast Center for Culinary Arts. This is housed in the city hall/library building in Lincoln City. The dining area will be called the 45th Room because Lincoln City happens to sit astride the 45th parallel, which is halfway between the equator and the North Pole. Now this writer, in an unceasing effort for complete accuracy, has taken out his handy GPS machine, and standing outside the above-mentioned building, has discerned that it actually should be the N-44.57.687 Room, give or take a few feet. And for your information, the longitude is W-124.00.924. The Sandy Phoenix always strives for complete accuracy.
* * *
Someday, in the not-too-distant future, I expect to see the following interview on the 5 p.m. television news. This is the interview of a mother of a newly convicted killer-rapist.
“My Jimmy is a good boy. The fact that he admitted to killing 14 people is obviously something that the district attorney made up. Jimmy was always a good boy, even though all of his teachers said that he tried to beat them up. Teachers always lie. Jimmy is a good boy. He always brought my boyfriend and I marijuana every week and sometimes meth. He always took care of his 23 guns, and he cleaned and polished them every week. He said that he was building a bomb, but that was only a boyish prank. We always loved all of his tattoos, especially the one that said ‘Mother.’ He even cut the grass. Jimmy is a good boy! I don’t understand why he got 50 years in prison. Jimmy is a good boy.”
* * *
Peter Sugarman once said,” A computer can smell your fear.”
* * *
Please add to the list of unfortunate movie remakes that I recently detailed, the following: “Doctor Dolittle,” “All the King’s Men,” the animated “Anastasia”, and “The Manchurian Candidate.” Just saw the Michael Redgrave version of “The Importance of Being Earnest” and the remake doesn’t hold a candle to it.
* * *
I read recently that there is a movement afoot to petition the government to create a Department of Peace. If the Department of Peace is as effective as FEMA, we should be at war with the entire world within a week of its inauguration.
* * *
The Sandy Phoenix wishes to inform you that about mid-August the entire movie industry will shut down because one-third of the actors will be in therapy and one-third in detox. The last third will be in Africa looking for babies to adopt.
* * *
Don’t you think that it would be fun if you had a laff-track machine that you could control for all of the sitcoms that are on the air? The programs would come with only dialogue and you, sitting in your recliner, could push a button after every joke, OR NOT.
* * *
There are many TV shows (and a lot of TV ads) which depict people out in the middle of a desert, talking on cell phones. Where are the towers? They must have a new kind of cell phone that works from a satellite. Picky-picky.
* * *
I was watching “My Fair Lady” on TV the other day, and a term came up that I hadn’t heard for a while: impudent hussy. That is a powerful description of a lady and I bet you are waiting to use it.
* * *
From cyber space:
“I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point to something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct.
“At last she headed for the door saying sagely, ‘Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself !’”
No curmudgeon here!
Published March 2, 2007 [Scroll down for earlier columns.]It has come to the attention of this writer that he is being called a curmudgeon, that is a grumpy, ill-tempered, old man and that his so called humor column is reflecting this mood swing. In an effort to stem the tide of this downswing I have decided to only write about beautiful, wonderful and humorous things. Well, here goes.
For those of you in possession of a Garmin etrex GPS (Global Positioning System) I recommend that you turn on your device and find N 44.49.746 and W 124. 03. 837. When you arrive go to the nearby fence and look to the north and take your camera and capture a picture of one of the most beautiful sights in the United States. Watch out for the moles across the street.

(I’ve decided to give up asterisks for Lent)

I have not had a chance to go to Cape Perpetua recently, but if I had, I would have provided the latitude and longitude of the lookout on the Cape above the Devil’s Churn and visitors center. When you arrive at the summit and look to the south, you will see a beautiful panorama of sky, sea and mountains.

*

It would seem that the Bay House in Lincoln City, the premier dinner house in North Lincoln County, has a full team of public relations people employed. Articles are everywhere especially concerning the wine steward Thomas “Mac” McLaren. Now I have a question for this gentleman. I am partial to white wines and to Riesling in particular, and the name most preferred is Dr. Loosen. So my question to you is, Is the Doctor in the House? Waiting for your reply.

* *

Well I think that this is about enough of this Mr. Nice guy stuff. Let’s talk about movies and remakes in particular. Here is a list of some of the movie remakes that are currently running on HBO and Showtime. “Fun With Dick and Jane,” “King Kong,” “The Longest Yard,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” versions of the “Titanic,” “Poseidon,” “Mighty Joe Young,” “Phantom of the Opera,” “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” “Alfie,” “The Producers,” and the stinker of them all, “The Importance of Being Earnest.” I have decided that HBO and Showtime are the places where lousy remakes of movies go to die. I’m waiting for Hollywood to remake “Lawrence of Arabia” with Adam Sandler.

* * * (You knew that I couldn’t last)

Everyday the local and national news programs talk about health issues and give us dire warnings about everything that we eat or go near. Did you know that watching news programs on TV is dangerous to your health? That remote in your hand is covered with bacteria, ready to do you in. A recent article in the Washington Post noted that researchers have found 182 kinds of bacteria on your forearm. Watch out!

* * *

I have become partial to an item at the Pig-N-Pancake in Lincoln City. I eat it for breakfast and I eat it for lunch. The portion is just right for an old person such as myself with a limited intake capability. I refer to a half order of eggs Benedict, which comes with either hash browns or fruit. You can’t go wrong with the Pig-N-Pancake chain of restaurants.

* * *

Sent to me from cyber space.
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”
“Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four to six.”

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

For the aurora borealis...
Dudley Do-Right out; Boris Badenoff, in.
Published Feb. 23, 2007 [Scroll down for earlier columns.]

I just read in the National Geographic that the magnetic north pole is now moving about 25 miles per year. Since 1831, it has moved 700 miles and is heading for Siberia. It seems that there is an underground flow of molten iron that moves the pole.
As an aside, it was noted that the magnetic pole takes the aurora borealis with it, and it will be moving from northern Canada to Siberia. In this day and age of GPS (Global Positioning System), the movement is a minor inconvenience. I’m sure glad that I have our trusty GPS machine at the ready.
* * *
Libby Durbin responded to my asides about asterisks with the following quote.
“For what are stars but asterisks. To point a human life?”
– Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)
Thank you, Libby.
* * *
If you are old like me, you might remember a vehicle called a Whizzer Motor Bike. Actually, you took your own bicycle and put a small engine into the frame and connected it to the back wheel of your bike with a large pulley. When you got on, you turned on the fuel valve, started pedaling and then pushed a lever to engage the engine and away you went. They got tremendous mileage and I loved the one I had. I wish that I still had it. Today bikes come in so many shapes that it probably would be very hard to fit in one of those engines. If you know about any I would be happy to hear about it.
* * *
On the Big Joe Polka Show on RFD TV they advertised a CD set that had 50 polka bands playing 50 songs. I wonder what would happen if the computer mixed up the bands and the songs. Who would know?
* * *
Sometimes I run out of things to write and at those times I turn to the trusty London Review of Books personal ads for inspiration or just plain plagiarism. Here are a few from the most recent issue.
“Play your cards right and I’ll marry you. Compulsive gambling female, 41, seeks non-judgemental male to whatever with fully functional credit cards, easily remembered pin number, and desperately poor tolerance of alcohol. Also seeks lateral thinking lawyer with track record of successful implausible embezzlement defence claims.”
“Fidelity. The recognition of the supreme importance of love. Intelligence. Beauty. Sense of humor. Sincerity. An appreciation of good food. A serious interest in some art, trade or hobby. An old fashioned and wholesome acceptance of monogamy. Courage. Borderline obsession with receipt collecting and completely unfounded fear of calculators. Formerly Rudolph Valentino-type Male 32, laterly tax evading, nervous asthmatic, 47 Seeks woman not unused to hiding under the kitchen table when the doorbell rings.”
“Man, 42, would like to meet woman to 50 to help harness the disappointment I routinely create in my relationships. Own tap shoes an advantage.”
* * *
The other day, I saw the word frock. You don’t usually see that word anymore. I can imagine that the only frock that most women own is a little black cocktail dress. Warning! Don’t wear one of these to a rodeo.
* * *
I was talking to a gas station attendant the other day who was a bit older than most. He mentioned that, many times, people forget which side of the car has the filler cap. He got into the habit of saying to those people, ‘Next time you steal a gray car, remember which side the filler is on.’ One day, he was working at a large station in Portland and he was serving a man in a new car that still had the sticker in the window.
He gave him his little speech and the man started looking nervous. There was a siren coming closer down the street and suddenly the man got out of the car and ran off. The siren was an ambulance and the car was stolen.Up with people? Harumph.
Paul's down on lenders, Intel and Tom Cruise
Published Feb. 16, 2007

Dear Sandy Phoenix Financial Advisor,
Can you help me with my financial problem? I currently have over $86,000 in credit card debt. I have a loan on my Hummer and a loan on my RV motor home. I am still paying for my Skidoo, and my 17-foot bass fishing boat. I am currently out of work. I recently experienced difficulty in purchasing a 72-inch flat screen high definition TV. My question is: should I declare bankruptcy? Please answer my letter.
Signed, I.O.U.

Dear I.O.U.,
Are you crazy? Don’t you know that that is not the American Way? America is built on consumerism and buy-buy-buy. Here is my recommendation. Go out immediately and get at least two timeshares. Buy at least three pieces of real estate. As you can see from ads on TV you can buy real estate with nothing down, put $10 or $20 into the property and then sell it for twice the asking price. You should go out and buy a Dodge Viper to go with your Hummer. Do you have enough gold and coins? I also suggest that you go online and find one of the Nigerian scams that promise you millions for a small investment. Don’t go to Nigeria to check on your investment, you might not come home again. This is my recommendation, buy-buy-buy. Those people declaring bankruptcy are not American.
Signed-The Sandy Phoenix Financial Advisor
* * *
(The United Asterisk Makers Union is going on strike in June. You have been warned.)

My wife and I save stamps at the Sentry Market in Lincoln Beach. We recently pasted all of our loose stamps in the shields and we estimate that we have enough to get a Lexus Limo. We will be visiting Mr. Robinson soon.
* * *
In a recent issue of this media giant, editor Niki mentioned Up With People. In the mid 60s, Up With People came to Helena, Mont., and the local Catholic college agreed to allow the performers of Up With People to double up with the students in the dormitory that night. The following morning I talked with the students and asked them about the experience. They said that the Up With People cast spent the entire night trying to persuade the students to leave college and join Up With People. Does the word cult mean anything to you?
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Intel has announced that they have produced a new chip that is so powerful that you will be able to watch an entire movie on your cell phone. Imagine Tom Cruise the size of a pencil eraser blowing up things. Just think. You will be able to drive down I-5 or Hwy. 101 in the summertime and watch a movie at the same time. Of course this presupposes that you can get cell phone coverage. We can’t in Gleneden Beach.
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I spend a lot of time in waiting rooms, hospitals, doctor’s offices, barbershops, etc. In some waiting rooms there is a November 2001 issue of Time magazine and in others a plethora of magazines and books. Barbershop 101 in the Taft area has great magazines and I always hope that there are many people ahead of me. My dentist’s office in Newport, Palmer, Romney and Builder, also has great magazines. Samaritan North Lincoln Hospital could use a couple more magazines, next to radiology.
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There was a big tea party in the area a short while ago and ladies that go to tea parties wear hats. I really admire a woman who wears a stylish hat. Remember Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”? Now that was a killer hat. We were in a department store in Edinburgh, Scotland, and the hat department was huge. I think that the Ascot Race in England is a great place to view hats, good and bad. Please bring back hats. They don’t go with Levi’s.
H. Paul Bruncke is a former teacher who lives in Gleneden Beach. Write to him at hpaul@actionnet.net.


The Brunckes are cache-ing on
Published Feb. 9, 2007

We did it! My wife and I became geocachers. We found the geocache at the Connie Hansen Garden and, per the rules, we placed an object in the container and took one to place somewhere else. To become a geocacher you need a computer and a GPS machine. We purchased a Garmin eTrex at Wal-Mart for a little less than $100. This little hobby is going to get us out of the house and walking in some very nice areas of the county. There are hundreds of objects hidden by geocachers all over Lincoln County. If you want more information about geocaching, go to geocaching.com and see for yourself.
There is an organization of geocachers and membership is free. Just sign up on your computer.
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In a recent edition of The Edge in the Oregonian they talked about the worst buzzwords of 2006. Tim Contreras of San Antonio put them all together. Here it is:
“As a responsible Professional Learning Community, by keeping our mission-critical information touch points price-optimized by the targeted completion date and by leveraging our assets, we conservate with our stakeholders, synopsize and electronify all process groups, relanguage the scope and computerate the critical path by surgerizing the triple constraints.”
So there too! Aren’t you glad you retired before all of this?
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I stopped at Mo’s in the Taft area of Lincoln City, the other noon, for my favorite, a cold shrimp sandwich with a cup of chowder. I have eaten at all of the Mo’s restaurants except the original on the Newport Bayfront. This includes Tolovana in Cannon Beach, Lincoln City, Otter Rock, Mo’s Annex in Newport and Florence. I must tell you that my first cold shrimp sandwich was made in the kitchen of the Annex by Mo herself back in the mid-1970s. I had a friend who was the mayor of Newport and a friend of Mo’s. The three of us were sitting at the table when Mo said that she would fix something for me for lunch. She came out of the kitchen with this wonderful sandwich. I’ve been eating them ever since.
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(We are hoping to find more asterisks at our next geocache location)
Let’s talk about commercials on television. First of all there is a McDonald’s ad that has a golfer prostrate on the green and using the tip of the handle of the putter to shoot the ball in the hole, ala pool hall. I can tell you that this is against the rules of golf, which say that you must use the blade of the putter to put the ball in the hole. Ask anyone. Ask Terry Jensen.
Secondly there is an eBay ad that has a woman dropping a ring that says “It” on it down the sink drain. In the ad they follow the progress of the ring through the sewer lines and find that it dumps into a body of water with fish in it. In the next scene the woman eats a bite of her salmon filet and finds the ring. Please tell me where a sewer line empties into a body of water with salmon in it, and would you eat any of the salmon?
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The A & E network has purchased “The Sopranos” from HBO and has made two changes. First, they have taken out many of the four-lettered words. Second, they have inserted ads every five minutes. What a mess.
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I am looking forward to the time when the Big Three automakers outsource their TV ads. In a effort to save money, the companies in the Third World that get the contracts would substitute a different car. Therefore you would have a Cadillac ad in which the car is actually a Kia.

H. Paul Bruncke is a former teacher who lives in Gleneden Beach. Write to him at hpaul@actionnet.net.