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An act of piracy

Published on April 4, 2018 4:59PM

Captain Dan Draper and a close personal friend

Captain Dan Draper and a close personal friend


By Patrick Alexander

Oregon Coast TODAY

As Lincoln City wraps up its seventh Festival of Illusions, drawing a close to 10 days of magic-themed fun, thousands of thrilled audience members find themselves in need of entertainment — and a snack.

So what better time to check in with Dan Draper of Captain Dan’s Pirate Pastry Shop for a magical edition of Ask a Pirate?

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I saw a guy juggling machetes at the Festival of Illusions. What’s the most dexterous thing you’ve ever done with your cutlass?

Often Utterly Cuts Hand

Dear OUCH,

Well, there was that time I met Lefty. Of course, he wasn’t called Lefty then; but the name followed soon after.

Other than that, the cutlass is pretty good for picking my teeth. But it’s useless for removing naval lint. It’s like trying to touch your ear with your elbow, there’s just no way to really get the angle right.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

It seems like the most useful magic trick for a pirate would be the disappearing act. What’s your strategy when you have to make a quick exit?

Vamoosh & Appear Nearby In Safe Harbor

Dear VANISH,

It’s debt collectors rather than redcoats that I’m running from these days. When I see them coming, I hop on to a Segway with a plank on top. It’s got a little notch for me to put my peg leg so I’m rolling along like a little Lego guy.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

My mother got sawn in half at last year’s Festival of Illusions and has been a little crooked ever since, as someone with great experience in wooden legs, do you have any tips for how she can get around?

Having A Little Frustration Over Faltering Footsteps

Dear HALF-OFF,

It might depend on which direction was she sawn in half. Are we talking horizontal or vertical? With or against the grain, if you will? I suppose most people normally choose horizontal because, if you think about it, vertical would take forever.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

Magicians are famous for pulling bunnies out of top hats. What kind of creature would you keep in your tri-corner and why?

Please Use less Leverage

Dear PULL,

Head lice, because they don’t talk back. I have a good troupe of head lice, specifically trained to dance along my part and stay quiet. They are emotional support lice and yes, I have the certificate to prove it.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I saw a great mind-reader at the Festival of Illusions this year. If you could read anyone’s mind, whose would it be?

Please Share Your Choice for Hair-raising Entertainment

Dear PSYCHE,

There are some people in DC that are tempting, but I’m not sure if that would be good bedtime reading. Really though, I think a two-year-old would be the most illuminating. Just to find out what they are thinking when they grind those cookies into the carpet.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

Watching the jugglers this year, I thought of you, running a bakery while keeping up a full slate of pirating activities. How do you juggle that schedule?

Laying Around; Zero Energy, Ever

Dear LAZEE,

Between sips of a light chianti; my baking tipple of choice. When I hit the high seas, I switch to rum. It’s easier to drink and easier to spell, too.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

I once saw an illusionist pull the tablecloth off a fully set table and all the glasses stayed standing. Are you ever tempted to try that with your sails and a few crewmates?

Can’t Resist A Silly Hypothesis

Dear CRASH

That would work well. I have a very stable crew. Stability is crucial for being a pirate; you never know who you might need to tie the anchor to.

Dear Cap’n Dan,

The Festival of Illusions left us entertained and thoroughly famished. Knowing that you are a magician in the kitchen — what would you recommend for a family riding high on endorphins and looking for something sweet?

Went In Reluctantly, Exited Delighted

Dear WIRED,

For someone fresh from a magic show, there’s only one choice — the Shipwreck turnover; they seem to disappear before our very eyes.

We spent a great deal of time and effort to get the right combination of bacon and caramel. Otherwise it tastes too bacony or it tastes too sweet. Then you have the tangy flavor from the apple and some cream cheese to smooth the whole thing out.

It got its name after the first one came out of the oven and blew up on us. It was all over everything and one customer came in and said ‘it looks like a ship wrecked in here’.

Now people come in and say ‘I’ll have three shipwrecks.’ Where else can you say that?

Captain Dan’s Pirate Pastry Shop is located at 5070 SE Hwy. 101 in the Taft district of Lincoln City. Opening hours are from 8:30 am to 3 pm every day except Tuesday. To reach them, call 541-996-4600.



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